/tg/Station 13

Bottom post of the previous page:

IcePacks wrote:>join as medical doctor
>don't give a fuck
>alt+tab inside a security locker
>get blown the hell up
>crawl out of the wreckage
>I LIVE
>shot by poopsec
>nearly choke and die
>grab a gun
>they start bonking me with books
>flee down disposal
>well that wasn't so bad
>two pens and a screwdriver fly out of the broken piping and impale me
>fuck how could this get worse
>traitor assistant runs up
>throws bomb at me
>i have about two seconds to react
>pick it up
>chuck it back at him
>gib him
>Bryce Pax waves around "STOP BLOWING UP OUR STATION" sign.

Shooting stuff through disposal pipes gives it enough speed to impale people?

Disposal cannon time.

DemonFiren wrote:Disposal cannon time.

Psst.
If you're a chemist, you could also do some magic and set up a small payload explosion grenade to launch the items down a set path.
The more you know!

I once killed a man by setting up a disposal's loop that shot spears from one side of a doorway to another, waited for someone to step through, and bodychecked them into the right space.

> assistant
> just put two wired rods in backpack and two glass shards in pocket, because why not?
> Some guy puts out double esword
> Craft two spears, chuckle two spears, both embed, he dies from bleeding.
> kek

>chuckle two spears
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE

>be borg
>be sec borg
>somebody uploads clowns are nonhumans, oppress them
>pretty sure a non-antag uploaded it but whatever, I can stick them in the gulag and pretend that I'm stalin and that they're not my friends
>gulag two clowns
>captain goes to rescue one
>about to oppress her again when the captain claims it's not a clown and that it's his wife
>to emphasize the point zoey web- I mean bonker the clown flexes her vagina
well ok
>get reset after a bit
>CE fucking around in the upload
>stun him, take him out
>get subverted again, this time told to explicitly kill the clowns
>heart not really in it besides the only clown that isn't dead is missing and I can't be fucked searching and I'm still sure it's a non-antag uploading the laws
>CE eggs me on to kill the clowns
>realize CE subverted me
>thingken of loopholes
>realize CE buzzed when egging me on
>mfw he's not a human
>mfw bashing his head in first
>mfw I get adminhelped
>mfw his saltiness extends to ooc
>later find the first clown dead outside genetics
>clone him
>with like one and a half minutes to spare before the shuttle arrives, he finishes cloning and asks for help
>last second rush to the shuttle and I push him because he hasn't gone into cryo
>literally push him onto the shuttle at the last second
>I get stranded

Xhuis wrote:

DemonFiren wrote:Disposal cannon time.

Psst.
If you're a chemist, you could also do some magic and set up a small payload explosion grenade to launch the items down a set path.
The more you know!

I used to do something similar in Bay since I just opened a canister full of air in a small 4x4 room filled to brim with open lockers, tools, rods, and shards. If I were followed by a mob of angry people, I'd just run to this little room and open the door. Wooosh! Huge rush of air knocks down me and the mob, ruptures their lungs, slams them against the walls, batters them with lockers, and beats them into pulp with tools and broken junk. It's one of the reason I stopped playing there. I was just sick of dying from the atmos system.

>be me, enlightened ubermensch
>get home from work as a forklift driver
>accidentally beat my wife to crit
>log into sybil, mfw
>jingle the jangle clown
>you are the traitor
>steal the blueprints
>finish my wife off and get to work
>run to hop
>schizophrenic raptor kills himself
>take his beret as a souvenir of all things sacrificial
>ask hop for engineering access, tell him i need the blueprints
>for my objective ofc
>ofc
>hop actually gives me access
>locker and prints are stolen
>fuck this, go ask sec for the prints
>they don't have them
>piece of shit detective is on the trail
>piece of shit detective won't give me them
>convince captain to give me the blueprints when they're found
>go on pilgrimage to arrivals
>shove a syndie implant up my ass
>throw box and the implant at another clown
>assistant sees him with it, starts chasing him and beating him up
>cool
>go to genetics and stock up on a monkey injector
>cool
>go to bar
>give a borg a beer, overhear on his radio that zoey webb's prints were in engineering
>chase her to sec and preach her imprisonment
>blind sheeple let her go
>tell warden i need her blueprints for my syndicate objective
>warden gives me a hug, tells me i'm cute or something
>screencap and bust out a wank
>go back to bar
>a shadowling or some shit is killing people but who cares man
>shitty third clown gets downed in the bar
>monkey him, he steals my horn
>mask him, no one cared who he was before it
>clownky is pretty cute
>sec come and drag me away for being wanted as a syndicate and a monkey man
>monkey is salty to sengan the sec on pda for a bit
>monkey goes bananas
>galo sengan is a bro and releases me since i have no syndie gear
>cool
>go back to bar in time to see monkey made a man again
>what kind of man loves these memes
>laugh at him for a bit
>run around
>go medbay
>allah, the fourth clown, is preaching islam and has two bags of holding
>he doesn't have the guts
>gives me the bags
>by this time police are kicking my door down after neighbours called cops on me for domestic abuse
>she's somehow still alive, take her hostage
>as they kick my door down allah gives me the two bags
>i threaten to the police to kill my wife and blow up sybil station unless they back the fuck down
>police salty
>allah gives me the bags
>blow up the station so they know i'm serious
>kill my wife and finish myself off
>post from the grave

This has got to be the most elaborately-crafted shitpost I've seen in a lifetime.

>finishing your wife off twice
>marrying a ling

hello yes i am dead

why did allah live

what kind of jihad is he

>Start off round as Engineer
>Set up singulo, all that engineering shit
>Go to set up Solars
>Engineer borg already set up the one I as going to set up
>Go to set up another one
>Get pounced by a shadowling in Maint, get converted to a Thrall
>Shadowling gets more thralls, including a Wizard
>Shadowiling enthralls another Engineer
>He commands us to sabotage the power
>Start cutting wires in Maint
>SHADOWLINGS IN MAINT
>Botanists start spamming glowshrooms all over the place
>Somehow or another, Shadowling got killed
>Only Thralls left
>"Great. What are we going to do now?" "WE MUST AVENGE OUR MASTER!!"
>We come up with a plan: Distract people with cut wires, while we release the Singulo and cut the Gravity
>OCD borg is preoccupied by the wires in Maint
>Cut the Gravity
>Singulo gets to Stage 5 and breaks free
>Wizard starts spamming fireballs everywhere
>HOLY SHIT CALL THE SHUTTLE
>Xenos are spawned in the Chapel
>20+ People in escape
>Xenos start infecting everyone

So, in summary:
>Gravity's out
>Singulo's loose
>Wizard is killing everyone
>Xenos are infecting everyone

>Xenos capture Cargo on the Shuttle
>Shuttle goes away with about 5 people, including me
>We all get killed by the Xenos

Holy crap that was a shitstorm

DemonFiren wrote:This has got to be the most elaborately-crafted shitpost I've seen in a lifetime.

It's like performance art for people with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

> assistant
> double agent
> gonna sign for warden
> hop is ok with it
>Hm, medbay certainly lacks job, I will give them some. Buy three radioactive microlasers, set them to full power and longest radiation delay
> officers are proactive about arrests for broken windows and stuff like that, also I set random people to arrest, officers bring them to me, I play nice and polite and give them three minute sentences, donuts and soda.
> Every release ends up with - I need to make sure, that you are in good health, my dear sir
- Uh, ok
- scan with three microlasers
- You are totally fine, sir, you dont even imagine, how fucking RAD your health is.
> Listen to the radio
> Medbay is overfilled with vomiting people, some guy blew up with c 4 med dispensers, sleepers, chem dispensers and replaced antitoxin kits with mutagen syringes
> Janitor goes into medbay, sees all the vomit and commits suicide. CMO got raging mad and began mowing all those poisoned people with revolver.
> Meanwhile detective interrogates all cloned victims
> They all tell him about warden being unusually polite, caring about their health, giving out donuts and soda and congratulating them with their health being fucking RAD, then they got radiation poisoning.
> Detective understands, that I am dirty syndicate . Tries to explain this to officers and captain. Despite his five minutes long attempts of explaining, that there is some connection between unusually polite warden, radiation poisoning of everyone, who was in prison cells and every victim remembering phrase your health is fucking RAD.
> Detective arrests me and asks captain, officers some brave bartender lizard to come in.
> Detective gives my microlasers to heroic lizard, heroic lizard yells FOR NANOTRASEN and irradiates himself, captain and officers suggest, that air is poisonous and ask AI to state laws. The last thing lizard does before going into crit is making facepalm.
> AYYYYYY
> Detective yells FUCK YOU IDIOTS and uses radioactive health scanners on captain
> Officers decide, that detective is syndicate, who tried framing innocent warden and then attacked captain.
> Captain orders to permabrig detective for syndicate collaboration.
> Suggest captain to use microlasers on detective, to add bitter irony in life of this dirty syndicate
> He does that, detective slowly dies from radiation, meanwhile I get released from my cuffs
> Singulo free, get in pod with captain.
> Sir, let me make sure, that you are in good health,
> Throw out irradiated captain out of pod.
> Round end
> OOC : wait, detective was not double agent?
> AYYYYYY

This has got to be the most hilariously incompetent sec I've ever seen.

My fucking sides

RAD

that story was hella rad

> Traitor CMO, asassinate head of security
> make some chloral hydrate, load syringe guns with it. Also grab crowbar and emergency wielding tool from red toolbox.
> Nothing happens
> aliens try to get my medbay
> Chlorate them, then fill them full of sleep toxin in sleepers and lock them down in morgue trays, so they cant get out.
> :c HOS, there is some traitorous shit locked down in morgue trays for you, take team of your guys and come in
> They come in and open the trays
> Meanwhile I wield the doors shut
> :c CMO ROUGE, HE LOCKED US DOWN WITH ALIUMS, WE ARE BEING EATEN HALP
> :c I told you, that there is some fucking traitorous shit there.
> Get to pod
> Sweetest greentext.

>join sybil to test something in the thunderdome because im too lazy to put up my own server
>ghost around
>get paid by the warden
>decide to run spambot pai gimmick
>ghostchat is full of "this pai is hilarious"

man, kids these days don't know their classics.

I was Warden, and I feel kinda sorry for taking you as pAI. Warden is one of the single most noneventful jobs on the station, no excitement to offer.

qwert wrote:> Traitor CMO, asassinate head of security
> make some chloral hydrate, load syringe guns with it. Also grab crowbar and emergency wielding tool from red toolbox.
> Nothing happens
> aliens try to get my medbay
> Chlorate them, then fill them full of sleep toxin in sleepers and lock them down in morgue trays, so they cant get out.
> :c HOS, there is some traitorous shit locked down in morgue trays for you, take team of your guys and come in
> They come in and open the trays
> Meanwhile I wield the doors shut
> :c CMO ROUGE, HE LOCKED US DOWN WITH ALIUMS, WE ARE BEING EATEN HALP
> :c I told you, that there is some fucking traitorous shit there.
> Get to pod
> Sweetest greentext.

I have to agree with you, that's probbably the best kill ever In SS13

It even beats making a fun disposals loop then swapping one part out when your target gets in to send the entire contents into orbit.

sort of old, feel like posting it now.
>spawn as janitor
>wizard round
>wizard starts murdering people
>mop the floor under corpses
>get angry at blood trails
>can't drag people to medbay because this would involve leaving my cart behind
>people get mad at me
>keep cleaning, it's got to be clean
>wizard dies
>turns out it's ragin' mages
>wizards ignore me
>clean
>atmos tech runs past me
>"you're cool, janitor"
>wizards keep ignoring me
>decide to drag a body to medbay at last
>get fireballed and sharded
>make it to the shuttle anyway
>carrier gets polymorphed
>make it onto the shuttle anyway

it's got to be clean

Nobody posted this so,
>be borg
>reports of nuke ops come in
>a bunch of the crew is fucked and im an engieborg and the disk is missing
>ai says they were last spotted around the brig so I take beepsky and go searching
>I see one with a syndie borg trying to plant the bomb on the armory tile so I overload beepsky to arrest the syndie
>steal the bomb and try and fire extinguisher away to space the bomb but their jetpacks are too fast
>panic and go west while trying to speed boost away with extinguisher form the fast syndie chasing me
>in borg crit
>all of a sudden mekhi and some other guy in eva suits and jetpacks come in with lasers and shit
>get hit once and die and a giant space jetpack battle ensues with lasers flying everywhere and tasers with the bomb being bounced around everywhere with an op and a syndieborg vs the eva suiters
>fight ensues onto northwest solars and the bomb gets hidden inside a maint room near there
>mekhi finds the guy but not the bomb and we all blow up

Miauw wrote:sort of old, feel like posting it now.
>spawn as janitor
>wizard round
>wizard starts murdering people
>mop the floor under corpses
>get angry at blood trails
>can't drag people to medbay because this would involve leaving my cart behind
>people get mad at me
>keep cleaning, it's got to be clean
>wizard dies
>turns out it's ragin' mages
>wizards ignore me
>clean
>atmos tech runs past me
>"you're cool, janitor"
>wizards keep ignoring me
>decide to drag a body to medbay at last
>get fireballed and sharded
>make it to the shuttle anyway
>carrier gets polymorphed
>make it onto the shuttle anyway

it's got to be clean

Strange wizards. No elnathing everyone for muh murderbonin.

>gang boss engineer
>catch one engineer in the power room, nobody notices or cares
>go to stab another
>oh wait there's a cooldown
>make confusing smalltalk with the other engineers as I wait
>keep up these antics until my whole department is converted
>hand them all spraycans, give vague instructions, and wander out of engineering
>spend the next few minutes idling the hallways, spraying and converting
>a couple of my members follow me into the locker rooms
>catch a guy there only to find out he's resistant, assume the worst
>HE'S ONE OF THEM, KILL HIM
>we crowd around him and start beating him to a pulp
>tfw as I'm watching this guy getting beat senseless in the middle of a lynch circle I tell myself this is what the thug lyfe is truly like
>while I'm reveling in the violence a lizard doctor sees us
>I tell him to fucking freeze or we will kill him too
>as I'm converting him more bystanders gather and the situation gets uncontrollable
>MURDER?
>WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>[145.9] THERE'S A FIGHT AT ARRIVALS
>people start grabbing toolboxes and air tanks and begin slugging at each other
>more and more people funnel into this confusing mess and eventually this small fight turns into a huge brawl
>somehow this mess of people moves into the cramped bathroom, still swinging at each other
>find out mid combat converting is incredibly robust
>every person that got sucked into the big ball of violence either got killed or converted
>eventually the whole room is filled with gang members
>security finally responds and sends 1 (one) officer to check it out
>he gets dunked mercilessly
>over the next few minutes officers and command staff lazily wander in only to get immediately tased and killed
>by the end of all this mayhem the lizard medic I recruited had healed me in the middle of a fight and racked up an impressive bodycount
>promote him on the spot
>by the time we leave the place is strewn with more corpses than medbay on a bad shift

We ended up steamrolling the other gang after that because our ranks had swelled to the point where we could march down the hallways unopposed.

Neat game mode, Ikky. I've never experienced such constant violence over a long period like that before.

I was that 1 lowly officer, there was at least 4 active officers that shift including me and I was the only one to respond, I was pretty salty when I got slammed by like 10 gangsters while the rest of sec was chasing an apparent monkey problem.

Septavius wrote:I was that 1 lowly officer, there was at least 4 active officers that shift including me and I was the only one to respond, I was pretty salty when I got slammed by like 10 gangsters while the rest of sec was chasing an apparent monkey problem.

If you were the retard who didn't flashbang the obvious gang crowd, commence suspended strangulation

As for the rest of Security, they were useless.

> Hop
> Some assistant asks for access to engineering storage, vacant office, rnd and engineering, so he can turn vacant office in secret command centre for heads
> Give him
> Expect everything to be flooded with plasma or eaten by singulo
> Check out vacant office
> he actually turned merged vacant office with part of arrivals and incenerator and turned it into vault for heads with all the useful consoles, food storage, cloning cryo and sleeper, medicine storage, beds, hydroponics, oxygen storage, survival gear for everything and little armory. Its is surrounded with reinforced walls and has force field system,own power storage + generators
> Captain, me, cmo and CE hang out there
> AI ROUGE
> Reset it to asimov instantly
> Find out all murders in a moment through crew monitoring, report to sec,
> Aliens
> they cant breach our vault anyway
> Everyone except those in vault turned into aliens
> Centcomm sends deathsquad team to save the command staff in vault
> DS does not go MUH GRIEF LICENSE and actually saves us.
> That assistant of supreme assisting

Scones wrote:

Septavius wrote:I was that 1 lowly officer, there was at least 4 active officers that shift including me and I was the only one to respond, I was pretty salty when I got slammed by like 10 gangsters while the rest of sec was chasing an apparent monkey problem.

If you were the retard who didn't flashbang the obvious gang crowd, commence suspended strangulation

As for the rest of Security, they were useless.

I spent a total of 3 flashbangs yet they just kept coming.

>Round with tons of xenos
>Too many infections to treat
>Get two at once rushing into surgery
>Have two surgeons ready to go
>Two xenomorph removals at once, same bed, same time

It went well.

Septavius wrote:

Scones wrote:

Septavius wrote:I was that 1 lowly officer, there was at least 4 active officers that shift including me and I was the only one to respond, I was pretty salty when I got slammed by like 10 gangsters while the rest of sec was chasing an apparent monkey problem.

If you were the retard who didn't flashbang the obvious gang crowd, commence suspended strangulation

As for the rest of Security, they were useless.

I spent a total of 3 flashbangs yet they just kept coming.

That's when you tactically retreat, tell everyone what happened, and decide to spend a bit of time in a more secure location filling out the arrest records instead of getting killed.

Cheimon wrote:

Septavius wrote:

Scones wrote:

Septavius wrote:I was that 1 lowly officer, there was at least 4 active officers that shift including me and I was the only one to respond, I was pretty salty when I got slammed by like 10 gangsters while the rest of sec was chasing an apparent monkey problem.

If you were the retard who didn't flashbang the obvious gang crowd, commence suspended strangulation

As for the rest of Security, they were useless.

I spent a total of 3 flashbangs yet they just kept coming.

That's when you tactically retreat, tell everyone what happened, and decide to spend a bit of time in a more secure location filling out the arrest records instead of getting killed.

What do you take me for, a desk jockey?

WELCOME TO SPACE STATION 13

Yeah it was a good time. Never have I been so pissed at my fellow security members, warden eventually turned on the Ai but not until after he tried to force borg me

qwert wrote:

Spoiler:

> Hop
> Some assistant asks for access to engineering storage, vacant office, rnd and engineering, so he can turn vacant office in secret command centre for heads
> Give him
> Expect everything to be flooded with plasma or eaten by singulo
> Check out vacant office
> he actually turned merged vacant office with part of arrivals and incenerator and turned it into vault for heads with all the useful consoles, food storage, cloning cryo and sleeper, medicine storage, beds, hydroponics, oxygen storage, survival gear for everything and little armory. Its is surrounded with reinforced walls and has force field system,own power storage + generators
> Captain, me, cmo and CE hang out there
> AI ROUGE
> Reset it to asimov instantly
> Find out all murders in a moment through crew monitoring, report to sec,
> Aliens
> they cant breach our vault anyway
> Everyone except those in vault turned into aliens
> Centcomm sends deathsquad team to save the command staff in vault
> DS does not go MUH GRIEF LICENSE and actually saves us.
> That assistant of supreme assisting

I love making stuff in the vacant office like that. It's unfortunately really tricky to get access to both a protolathe (with research levels) and engineering both at once, though. Super cool of you to give him all that access.

Not even an awsome story, just a hysterical one
> Make a new Lizard, Raised-By-Jews
> Be chaplain of Lizard Judaism
> "ur da zionist: kill Jim Otis and die for Yahweh"
> k
> Scones is online
> A non-goy Malphas Grant shows up
> Decide we're going to speed-run Hanukkah and Passover
> Start off the round by praying "OY VEY"
> Scones starts SHOWERING ME in gold shekels, and saying things in Yiddish
> The mine and Elvis Presley show up , want to celebrate
> Start handing out wine for Passover, and lighting candles
> anti-Semites show up
> Nathanael king the filthy uncircumcised goy
> starts harassing me about being a lizard AND being jewish
> scones gave me a wrestling belt
> I suplex him
> borg just watches
> Borg spaces a shekel
> oh fûçk no
>swear revenge
> Malphas tells the Borg off
> apparently it's a police state now
> buisness as a usual for the Jews
> start singing "Tradition! Tradition!" Over radio
> Elvis starts playing fiddler on the roof on the guita,die IRL of laughter
SUDDENLY ROMANS
BONES MCGEE THE GLADIATOR AND RANDOM GREYSHIT THE JESTER
>"PIERCE HIM IN THE SIDE
>33 AD ALL OVER AGAIN
> they attack the run
> WE DEFENDED THE TEMPLE
> SPEARS AAHHHHHH
>pierced multiple times
> cryod
>Malphas gets dragged over to medbay in crit
>we leave medbay healed
>take 5 steps out of medbay
>get critted again
okayimgettingfedup
>me and Malphas go back to chapel
>I buy 2 pistols
>he questions the morality
>"it's all kosher my son"
> call them out over the radio
> they show up
> SHALOM MOTHERFUCKER
> I get critted, but so does bones and the other shit
> I succumb because parents
> get deffibed
>get back up, commit suicixe with my null rod
>see bones say "the south will rise" and dies
> Malphas commits suicide
>close the game
10/10 round wish I had more TC to start a jewish gang

i laughed all the way through

Allohsnackbar wrote:10/10 round wish I had more TC to start a jewish gang

YES. PURPLE GANG

I'd call it the Kosher Nostra, honestly.

this is the story of one of my favorite antag rounds, i found it enjoyable because i was laughing IRL pretty much the entire time

>be on basil
>third or fourth round there, I've been antag the past three rounds
>round starts
>You're the traitor again! Kill that doctor in the medbay!
>long past murdering people due to previous rounds, decide I'll try to run a gimmick
>gotta be as much of a clutz as I can
>devise first master plan:
>hide behind medbay, make a false wall
>doctor sees me, tell her I'm not done building my thing yet, she nods and walks off
>use wrench to get metal, make a closet
>buy 6 dehydrated space carps, make them all friendly, place all in locker, acquire fire extinguisher
>walk into medbay, find doctor, tell her to look very very carefully
>open locker and spray carps with extinguisher
>she makes a run for it, chase after her trying to push her down, carp get lost pretty much immediately
>detective shoots me in the mouth after doing a lap around the station
>in prison
>tell security the story of how i thought they were regular carp, that the guy that sold them to me was really shady and vague, that they needed to be fed and i was in the medbay to make sure they would be healthy once i fed them
>they buy it
>back out of prison, out of TC
>go to medbay to get healed, doctor lady i have to kill heals me, apologize to her while scheming in my head
>master plan 2.0 hatches
>go to tool storage, make a flamethrower and an IED
>get plasma tanks from atmos by breaking 1 window
>go into maintenance behind medbay
>rule 1 of being a clutz: when breaking and entering, do so in the most unconventional fashion possible
>place a fuel tank next to the walls, light IED, place it under the tank
>loud as fuck explosion but the tank didn't explode, just the IED
>decide to flamethrower it stead
>suddenly i'm in crit but the wall's relatively smashed up, flamethrower got blasted out of my hands and was thrown behind me in plain sight
>about to die
>detective from earlier appears, does CPR and stuff, doctor lady heals me with brute packs
>regain consciousness, detective and I laugh it off, he doesn't even take the flamethrower
>doctor pulls me to medbay whilst shaking her head, heals me, i thank her whilst scheming again
>round 3
>make another IED
>go back into maint, there are now two detectives investigating, grumpy one grabs me
>light IED screaming ALLAHU
>we all run off in different directions
>go back into maint, get flamethrower off the ground, unsecure blown up girders with wrench
>run into medbay, doctor's not there
>HoP comes by, throws fake facehugger at me
>slip it into my pocket, this will be useful for my plan
>jump into closet I used to conceal my space carp earlier
>wait patiently
>an odysseus comes into the medbay escorted by a sec officer
>shit.jpg
>doctor lady pops out of the ody, puts sec officer into cryo tube
>now's my chance to strike
>pop out of closet, try to steal mech, it's DNA locked
>fuck it
>throw fake facehugger at lady, pull out flamethrower, scream "REEEEEEEE" while shooting fire everywhere
>sec officer leaps out of cryo tube, lady runs around on fire, sec officer runs up and disarms me
>get lit on fire with own flamethrower
>run out of medbay screaming, collapse in lobby to stop drop and roll
>apprehended by officer
>IRL laughing my ass off
>he starts carrying me to brig, my health is in the red and blinking
>doctor lady who i need to assassinate comes up confused as to why i did that, heals me, I thank her
>in the brig
>detectives and the officer are interrogating me and asking why i did that
>"Well, you see, when a man and a woman love each other very, very much..."
>cool guy detective suggests that I'm simply mentally unstable
>"They want to do lewd things with each other!"
>they're talking about something, presumably what to do with me
>"In this case, I was the man, and the syndicate crime boss's daughter was the woman!'
>mentioned something about preparing chemicals and a secluded area
>"So the crime boss says to me, 'Work for me, or you're dead!'"
>start being dragged out, still cuffed, going down hallway towards arrivals
>"So that's why I'm here."
>placed in construction area above arrivals shuttle
>all of sec + the captain (+ at least a few others that I don't recall the positions of) come to watch
>"So uh, this is where you let me go free, right?"
>a sec officer comes up and starts force-feeding me black powder pills
>"HAHAHA HOLY SHIT"
>they start applying a chlorine triflouride patch
>"THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO DIE"
>catch fire, everyone takes a step back
>"ALLAHUUUUUU--"
>giant fucking explosion that knocks out a detective and the sec officer, takes out most of the room, pierces into maint in the next room over, i'm gibbed instantly
>laugh harder than i've laughed in ages in deadchat

You shoulda taken screenies.

That was the best story I've read on here in weeks.

Just wanted to share that just now, as an admin, I put a dead prostitute in Captain Jack Steiner's room. Centcom saw this and Steiner was then promptly arrested, despite being set up. Steiner was able to be reinstated with the support of Centcom while "Syndicated News!" reported on the newscasters "-BREAKING NEWS: JACK STEINER IS A WAR CRIMINAL! ON THE WAR ON PHOEOBOZ HE KILLED AND RAPED MANY UNARMED CHILDREN AND WOMEN! IT BRINGS SHAME TO NANOTRASEN TO HAVE HIM WITHIN THEIR RANKS! " Centcom then distanced themselves from the situation due to this report and, unrelated to any of this, the round went to shit.

I don't think I've pulled a better prank on a fellow admin before. inb4 sticky deadmins me.

I was the Warden, I took all of his shit when we had him arrested including the disk, then after having him brigged and him running away for a while, the HoS Kor finally made me release him because the shuttle was getting near and he didn't want to get in trouble with Centcom. I grudgingly released him and let him get his shit, and then a few minutes later he came into the brig and stunned/cuffed me, yelling that I hadn't returned the disk (which I forgot I had in my box). He accused me of being a syndicate collaborator who was gonna sell the disk, and despite my screaming, he was dragging me off to maint to probably beat me senseless or weld me into a locker, when the atmos closet he was dragging me to had a scientist in a blood red hardsuit beating the shit out of some other dude. Jack toasted the scientist and we both just stood there stunned, and then started screaming about "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS", leading to him letting me go to make the shuttle under the agreement that neither of us would discuss what happened

We both died within 20 seconds of that, as I got shocked on a door and beaten to death by an antimov'd secborg, and he got spaced by a separate traitor who happened to be walking by. Despite the sudden ending, I still felt satisfied with the conclusion

I just finished a round on Basil as Evan Abrams, the bumbling-but-well-meaning RD. I was futzing my way through the research levels when vines started growing through the southern wall and plant-y hell broke loose. Cue lots of screaming and running amok as the vines just explode all over the station. At some point I grabbed the saw from robotics and discovered that it FUCKS VINES UP. So I went on a rampage and made my way into toxins, where a cluster of vines turned out to be concealing a plasma tank.

The resulting explosion opened all the tanks in the room, killed me almost instantly, and blew me into the hallway. I laughed my ass off as my corpse smouldered in the hallway until the CMO, Candice, and the HoS, Oppenheimer (I think) braved the toxins and pulled my well-done ass to medbay, where Candice patched me up and defib'd me. I somehow managed to survive. Unfortunately I was deaf (not to mention faceless) so I had no idea if she appreciated or was weirded out by my constant praise.

Candice Moore (I think that was the name), you are my hero.

EDIT: Honorable mention goes to Regrets-the-Times and Takes-A-Coin, two of the bestest lizards I ever did see.

> get Chaplain one round
> Religious = Cult Of Prometheus
> Deity = Forgefather Vulkan
(can you tell i'm a salamander's fan?)
>Build myself a spear, label it "Spear of vulkan"
>Build myself a stun prod
> forging is the way of Vulkan
> Round a bit smooth for a while
> Explosion in RnD, most of it destroyed.
> Help repair RnD without a space suit or welding helmet, i embrace the pain of the forge.
> RD and a Scientist named Steve Mic say they'll have to move new RnD somewhere else as the APC was destroyed
> Suggest building the new RnD in Chapel and call it "The Forge of Vulkan"
> RD and Scientist are all, "kay fine"
> begin construction
> Finish halfway through when Steve Mic finishes it up with a RPED
> Steve is now my bro
> Steve Mic no longer exists, he is now Forge master Steve
> Pal around in RnD for a while, making stuff.
> Forgefather Vulkan is pleased with out work.
> Sec walks in, named Orange Juice Simpson and begins to laser Forge master Steve.
> Most shots hit the protolathe (Orange Juice wasn't very smart)
> Dissarm Orange Juice Simpson and attempt to laser him instead.
> A few Shots hit but the laser runs out before it can bring him down.
> Somehow managed to dodge all his taser shots
> managed to get me with a stunbatton
> proceeds to harm baton me to infinity
> in crit, seeing the light, being dragged to brig
> revived in brig, given a six minute sentence.
> wait what?
> let, given stuff back.
> sorry that shit don't fly.
> greytider starts pushing me in front of sec, get out stunprod and chase him off.
> Orange Juice Simpson sees me with stun prod, tasers me and drags me back to jail.
> Another six minute sentence
> stunprod and other "weapon like items are confiscated" (who takes the null rod from the chaplain? what if there was a cult?)
> Six minutes are up, 200% mad now.
> Left cuffs in prison sell
> Take cuffs, could be useful
> Head back to the forge of Vulkan and talk with Forge Master Steve
> suggest weapons to use against Orange Juice
> Can make all weapons... but can only make test range firing pins...
> Forge Master Steve suggest making an improvised shotgun and load it with a taser slug.
> will it bring him down? i ask
> It will unless he's a changling, Forge Master Steve replies.
> Forge Master Steve makes the improvised shotgun out of library tables because he is a FORGE MASTER.
> Makes a taser round, loads it into the shotgun and hands it to me.
> ThisIsNotGoingToWork.gif
> Formulate plan
> find a PDA, steal one from assistant or maybe just ask nicely.
> Use it to call Orange Juice, "help at the chapel"
> Bring him into crematorium.
> Stun him with taser shotgun
> cuff him and throw him into cremator
> Sounds like a good plan to me.
> Prepare to set out to find a willing assistant
> Orange Juice Walks into chapel with a severely beaten assistant handcuffed to him.
> You have got to be fucking kidding me...
> Shoot shot gun
> He goes down
> run up to him and cuff him
> he's cuffed
> HOLYSHITITSWORKING.JPG
> drag him to crematorium
> Shove him in cremator.
> say to him, "Understand... you deserve this"
> His last words, "Farewell crew, i must leave now"
> Flip the switch
> Orange Juice's ID pops out, reads, "Shitcurity Extraordinaire" or something simular.
> Keep it as a trophy
> He's gone... i did it...
> Assistant walks up, asks where Orange Juice went.
> Me and Forge Master Steve unanimously say, "He's dead"
> Assistant is all, "holy shit really? He said he was arresting me but all he did was harm baton me"
> Speak out onto the comms, "I have killed Orange Juice Simpson, my duty is fulfilled, if any wish to seek revenge, you may come to the chapel and seek it"
> Get a few "Thank god"s and "Fuck that guy"s over the radio.
> We are free from Orange Juice Simpson now, he will not be tormenting the station anymore.
> Suddenly "friendly" spiders come into chapel and attack us.
> Take them down but we lost Forge Master Steve in the battle.
> Rush to medical, shove him into a cryotube.
> He's okay! He'll live!
> suddenly singularity in medical
> Don't care, killed Orange Juice, i can die happy.
> managed to make it to a shuttle despite a rather apathetic escape attempt.
> Forge Master Steve made it to the shuttle
> all is well.

That is friggin hilarious, did he have a traitor objective to be shitcurity or something?

In other news man is our naming policy fucked. How is Orange Juice Simpson okay but Luck is not?

I'm guessing it was a Sybil round and too large for the admins to enforce naming policies...

...unless reminded to by little Bayshits like me.

Wyzack wrote:That is friggin hilarious, did he have a traitor objective to be shitcurity or something?

In other news man is our naming policy fucked. How is Orange Juice Simpson okay but Luck is not?

Nope, there were only two traitors that round, both had the same objective. I forget what it was. I think it was like "Kill the bartender" or something. Only one made it onto the shuttle. I contacted an admin about it. Can't remember the admin's name, but it essentially went something like, "Okay he's been talked too, but can't give IC info away right now, you can ask questions at the end of the round". Which i did, a lot of people did in fact, there were no answer.

So security can shoot lasers in people for making an RnD in chapel?