My review of every single black-market item
Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2021 1:24 am
I will be reviewing every item found in the black market uplink. I will be giving them a score of one to five based on coolness, usefulness, and uniqueness. I've left out my opinions of the black market uplink as a concept, feel free to draw your own conclusions
Clothing
Space Ninja Mask 1/5
A real worthless item. The only gimmick I could see being done with this is making it difficult to identify your corpse or be a poser ninja killer. Looks bad without the rest of the set anyways.
Durathread Vest 3/5
This is station creatable and therefore not very unique. However, it is one of the only "armors" available to the crew and looks pretty cool.
Durathread Helmet 3/5
Not much to be said that can't be said about the vest. I guess you could wear it alongside a lab coat if you wanted to look like a dork.
Nanotrasen Branded Spacesuit Box 2/5
Ironic because most of the time you need to go into space to retrieve your item. Has some use I suppose. But if you really wanted a spacesuit EVA is a much better option. I think you can even order them from cargo.
Chameleon Hat (broken) 3/5
I guess it's kind of funny. Also has a little armor if that's worth anything.
Combat Medic hardsuit 4/5
A reskin of the CMO's hardsuit. Useful has good armor and beats EVA spacesuits by a lot. Shame it doesn't have any unique qualities.
Rocket Boots 3/5
Comical but Highly impractical. Give them to the clown or someone who doesn't know what they do to turn them into a pancake.
Consumables
Bowl of Clown's Tears 1/5
Useless unless you want to make a very specific cocktail and you don't have bananas.
Box of Donk Pockets 1/5
These are everywhere and can be ordered from cargo. I guess it makes sense in the +lore+
Bottle of Suspicious Pills 2/5
Who doesn't love drugs? Well, kind of irrelevant because the psyche starts pre-loaded with most of this shit. It would be more fun to beg for a prescription than buy these.
Strange Pill (floor pill) 3/5
A staple of any good station, although you can find them in maint pretty reliably.
Maintenance Pump-Up 3/5
An underrated drug all in all. But these things are readily available in maint or creatable yourself.
Tools
Experimental Wrench 1/5
A slightly quicker wrench. This is dumb because I don't recall a single wrench do-after. Not even a unique sprite.
Experimental Screwdriver 1/5
A slightly quicker screwdriver. Screwdriver do-afters are pretty hard to come by outside of window deconstruction. No unique sprite.
Experimental Crowbar 1/5
A slightly quicker crowbar. Crowbar do-afters are pretty hard to come by outside of window deconstruction. Suprise there's no unique sprite. For the whole collection, I will add there is not a welder variant, which is the only one that could be considered remotely useful. If there was, I would give it a 2/5.
Binoculars 2/5
If you want Binoculars this is your only option short of asking the detective. (not like he's using them) And for that, it's worth something.
Riot Shield 3/5
Pretty cool. Riot shields are useful but hardly unique. A middling to fair item.
Thermite Bottle 2/5
Thermite Is criminally easy to make. However, it's got nice flavor and not everyone has access to a chem machine. For that, I give it a 2.
Science Goggles 1/5
Holy shit. These are all of science and chem. They are even printable. Not even the sunglasses variant. In what situation would buying these be a good idea?
Clowny N-spect scanner 3/5
A gimmick item made after a gimmick item that no one uses. Contains a solid pun. Useful if you want to slip people but are allergic to bananas and soap.
Clowny N-spect scanner 3/5
A gimmick item made after a gimmick item that no one uses. Contains a solid pun. Useful if you want to slip people but are allergic to bananas and soap.
Weapons
Bear Trap 3/5
Surprisingly robust. The janitor has this round start. Nuff said.
Shotgun Dart 1/5
These are literally craftable at an autolathe.
Bone Spear 3/5
You could just make a normal spear, but where is the +style+ in that?
Chainsaw 3/5
Chainsaws are craftable. On the other hand, chainsaws are badass. 3/5
Switchblade 5/5
Badass, robust, and difficult to obtain otherwise. Probably the best uplink item despite the fact it isn't too interesting.
EMP Grenade 4/5
EMPs are useful. They are creatable yourself, and many antags have versions of this. But there is just something about the style of that freely tossed blue grenade through the air that makes silicons crap their robotic pants.
EMP Grenade 4/5
EMPs are useful. They are creatable yourself, and many antags have versions of this. But there is just something about the style of that freely tossed blue grenade through the air that makes silicons crap their robotic pants.
Misc
Clear PDA 3/5
Simple and stylish. Everyone will think you are really cool after they steal your PDA.
Jade Lantern 1/5
It's a green light and it's fucking lame.
Cap Gun 1/5
One of the worst fake traitor item toys. Go play the arcade.
Shoulder holster 3/5
Holsters are badass but I am biased as the creator of The Holster Overhall. (not this uplink item)
Flask of holy water 2/5
I suppose this could be useful, but hallow water and holy-melons are a thing. Perhaps this is a more convenient way to get holy water without a chap?
Strange Seeds 3/5
I don't know a lot about botany but I do know strange seeds are cool.
Smuggler's Satchel 1/5
This one really pisses me off. The smuggler's satchel has really been through the wringer. If this was the only way to get a smuggler's satchel I would be ok with it. But the smuggler's satchel is a traitor item. Not only that, tens of them can be found in the floor under the station. Why would you buy this on either the black market OR traitor uplink? The item itself is moderately useful if you have a specific use in mind. (planting a secret bomb or what have you.)
Clothing
Space Ninja Mask 1/5
A real worthless item. The only gimmick I could see being done with this is making it difficult to identify your corpse or be a poser ninja killer. Looks bad without the rest of the set anyways.
Durathread Vest 3/5
This is station creatable and therefore not very unique. However, it is one of the only "armors" available to the crew and looks pretty cool.
Durathread Helmet 3/5
Not much to be said that can't be said about the vest. I guess you could wear it alongside a lab coat if you wanted to look like a dork.
Nanotrasen Branded Spacesuit Box 2/5
Ironic because most of the time you need to go into space to retrieve your item. Has some use I suppose. But if you really wanted a spacesuit EVA is a much better option. I think you can even order them from cargo.
Chameleon Hat (broken) 3/5
I guess it's kind of funny. Also has a little armor if that's worth anything.
Combat Medic hardsuit 4/5
A reskin of the CMO's hardsuit. Useful has good armor and beats EVA spacesuits by a lot. Shame it doesn't have any unique qualities.
Rocket Boots 3/5
Comical but Highly impractical. Give them to the clown or someone who doesn't know what they do to turn them into a pancake.
Consumables
Bowl of Clown's Tears 1/5
Useless unless you want to make a very specific cocktail and you don't have bananas.
Box of Donk Pockets 1/5
These are everywhere and can be ordered from cargo. I guess it makes sense in the +lore+
Bottle of Suspicious Pills 2/5
Who doesn't love drugs? Well, kind of irrelevant because the psyche starts pre-loaded with most of this shit. It would be more fun to beg for a prescription than buy these.
Strange Pill (floor pill) 3/5
A staple of any good station, although you can find them in maint pretty reliably.
Maintenance Pump-Up 3/5
An underrated drug all in all. But these things are readily available in maint or creatable yourself.
Tools
Experimental Wrench 1/5
A slightly quicker wrench. This is dumb because I don't recall a single wrench do-after. Not even a unique sprite.
Experimental Screwdriver 1/5
A slightly quicker screwdriver. Screwdriver do-afters are pretty hard to come by outside of window deconstruction. No unique sprite.
Experimental Crowbar 1/5
A slightly quicker crowbar. Crowbar do-afters are pretty hard to come by outside of window deconstruction. Suprise there's no unique sprite. For the whole collection, I will add there is not a welder variant, which is the only one that could be considered remotely useful. If there was, I would give it a 2/5.
Binoculars 2/5
If you want Binoculars this is your only option short of asking the detective. (not like he's using them) And for that, it's worth something.
Riot Shield 3/5
Pretty cool. Riot shields are useful but hardly unique. A middling to fair item.
Thermite Bottle 2/5
Thermite Is criminally easy to make. However, it's got nice flavor and not everyone has access to a chem machine. For that, I give it a 2.
Science Goggles 1/5
Holy shit. These are all of science and chem. They are even printable. Not even the sunglasses variant. In what situation would buying these be a good idea?
Clowny N-spect scanner 3/5
A gimmick item made after a gimmick item that no one uses. Contains a solid pun. Useful if you want to slip people but are allergic to bananas and soap.
Clowny N-spect scanner 3/5
A gimmick item made after a gimmick item that no one uses. Contains a solid pun. Useful if you want to slip people but are allergic to bananas and soap.
Weapons
Bear Trap 3/5
Surprisingly robust. The janitor has this round start. Nuff said.
Shotgun Dart 1/5
These are literally craftable at an autolathe.
Bone Spear 3/5
You could just make a normal spear, but where is the +style+ in that?
Chainsaw 3/5
Chainsaws are craftable. On the other hand, chainsaws are badass. 3/5
Switchblade 5/5
Badass, robust, and difficult to obtain otherwise. Probably the best uplink item despite the fact it isn't too interesting.
EMP Grenade 4/5
EMPs are useful. They are creatable yourself, and many antags have versions of this. But there is just something about the style of that freely tossed blue grenade through the air that makes silicons crap their robotic pants.
EMP Grenade 4/5
EMPs are useful. They are creatable yourself, and many antags have versions of this. But there is just something about the style of that freely tossed blue grenade through the air that makes silicons crap their robotic pants.
Misc
Clear PDA 3/5
Simple and stylish. Everyone will think you are really cool after they steal your PDA.
Jade Lantern 1/5
It's a green light and it's fucking lame.
Cap Gun 1/5
One of the worst fake traitor item toys. Go play the arcade.
Shoulder holster 3/5
Holsters are badass but I am biased as the creator of The Holster Overhall. (not this uplink item)
Flask of holy water 2/5
I suppose this could be useful, but hallow water and holy-melons are a thing. Perhaps this is a more convenient way to get holy water without a chap?
Strange Seeds 3/5
I don't know a lot about botany but I do know strange seeds are cool.
Smuggler's Satchel 1/5
This one really pisses me off. The smuggler's satchel has really been through the wringer. If this was the only way to get a smuggler's satchel I would be ok with it. But the smuggler's satchel is a traitor item. Not only that, tens of them can be found in the floor under the station. Why would you buy this on either the black market OR traitor uplink? The item itself is moderately useful if you have a specific use in mind. (planting a secret bomb or what have you.)
