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Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 2:05 pm
by peoplearestrange
Due to a recent influx of "Bad PR"* The Nanotrasen Corporation will be once again opening up its customer** service desk and answering*** YOUR**** questions!

Please note that Nanotrasen will prioritise potential customers over current customers and reserves the right to ignore/change/edit/redact any questions/answers/statements/records at any given time without prior notice.









*Bad PR does not actually mean bad PR
** Including employees, investees, managers, captives, experimental AI's, alien lifeforms, alien non lifeforms, pets, clowns, mimes, anything with the Nanotrasen logo stamped on it, floor tiles
*** Answers may not always be answers and may even be in the form of a question
**** Questions may actually be created on behalf of what Nanotrasen would like to see you ask
Terms and conditions apply, participating stations only, 1 question per costumer, except where the costumer counts as more than consciousness, Nanotransen reserve all rights, Nanotrasen are weightless and are not responsible for anything ever

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 2:43 pm
by Psyentific
"What're ya wearing?"

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 2:48 pm
by bandit
Dear Nanotrasen,

The gravitational generator is great! But how did we have gravity before it?

Sincerely,
Chief Engineer

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 3:17 pm
by peoplearestrange
Psyentific wrote:"What're ya wearing?"


Nanotrasen Brand Customer Service "Clothes".
Comfy and practical! Order yours from your Cargo department today!*
* Not all cargo bays will be able to order this exclusive item. Ordering depends on your Cargo credit score. Quarter Masters reserve the right to call you "Mad" and "There's no such thing"

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 3:22 pm
by peoplearestrange
bandit wrote:Dear Nanotrasen,

The gravitational generator is great! But how did we have gravity before it?

Sincerely,
Chief Engineer


You should have received the update notes in your standard Nanotrasen "Update Package Push/Pull Requests Sub-Space Mail" Version 34561212A.

Please see sub-section 4532-AAAAFLOR which clearly states:
"...Nanotrasen 'semi-sticky' floor tiles have been replaced with regular ceramic/metal floor tiles. A gravity generator will be provided to compensate for your comfort and security..."

If you would like to re-subscribe/unsubscribe to "Update Package Push/Pull Requests Sub-Space Mail" please click this link
Nanotrasen Representative ECHO113

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 3:37 pm
by Jeb
Dear Nanotrasen,

What the fuck was that?

Regards,

Jebediah Kerman

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 4:27 pm
by peoplearestrange
Jeb wrote:Dear Nanotrasen,

What the fuck was that?

Regards,

Jebediah Kerman


Its simply [REDACTED].
All it [REDACTED].
[REDACTED].
Hope that helps clear [REDACTED] up.

Nanotrasen Representative ECHO113

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 8:54 pm
by Jalleo
Why did the asteroids wexmine suddenly fill up with loads of hostile life forms?

Sincerly A Former Hostile Life Form

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 9:12 pm
by Jeb
Dear Nanotrasen,

How exactly does cloning work? What do you do with the leftover bodies from each shift?

Regards,

Jeb

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 10:11 am
by peoplearestrange
Jalleo wrote:Why did the asteroids wexmine suddenly fill up with loads of hostile life forms?

Sincerly A Former Hostile Life Form



Previously the "Western" mines were off limits to all Nanotrasen staff and consequently removed from any maps and scanner 'Black Spots' were created to deaden the area. This was due to safety issues regarding the "Hostile" Life Forms. However recent advancements in miner self defence and weapon technology. This is in no way linked with the abundance of rare/expensive minerals/ores.

Any suggestion of Nanotrasen of this will be considered as gross miss-conduct, conspiracy against the corporation and in-sighting miss-information and will be dealt with sub-sequent punishment as shown in the "Nanotrasen Space Law" manual, Law 4502, Sub-section 8, paragraph 2, word 10.

Thank you for your custom.
If you have trouble reading or understanding this you can request this document to be printed, spoken, injected or telepathed.

Nanotrasen Representative FOXTROT643

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 10:18 am
by peoplearestrange
Jeb wrote:Dear Nanotrasen,

How exactly does cloning work? What do you do with the leftover bodies from each shift?

Regards,

Jeb


The Cloning process, blueprints and scientific theory is currently under the Central Command Secrecy Act, and is therefore limited to a "need to know" base. Your local research facility's Research Director has limited knowledge of this process and maybe able to answer some simple questions on this matter. However any "Leaked" secrets, as judge by a Internal Affairs, Captain, Head of personal, Head of Security, Security officer, Ian, maybe considered as grounds for contract termination of both the Research Director and questioner. Nanotrasen reserves the right to minimise "risk" at point of contract termination and could potential lead of further "termination processing".

Many thanks for you question and curiosity.
Remember loose lips cost contracts.

Nanotrasen Representative ECHO113

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 2:46 pm
by Drynwyn
Dear Nanotrasen,

Why does the nuke disc regenerate when someone destroys it? More importantly, why has this technology not been deployed more broadly?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 3:02 pm
by Jeb
Drynwyn wrote:Dear Nanotrasen,

Why does the nuke disc regenerate when someone destroys it? More importantly, why has this technology not been deployed more broadly?


As a continuation of this question, why does Central Command occasionally send the authorization code for the nuclear device to our communication consoles?

Hell, why do you equip every station with a seemingly inactive nuclear device in the first place? What is going on here?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 3:34 pm
by peoplearestrange
Jeb wrote:
Drynwyn wrote:Dear Nanotrasen,

Why does the nuke disc regenerate when someone destroys it? More importantly, why has this technology not been deployed more broadly?


As a continuation of this question, why does Central Command occasionally send the authorization code for the nuclear device to our communication consoles?

Hell, why do you equip every station with a seemingly inactive nuclear device in the first place? What is going on here?



Both questions are linked in more than the physical object of which you talk. Due to recent declassification of said "Nuclear Quarantine and Clean Slate Device" (Official name) I am happy to say I can explain, mostly, this to you pending ID checks

-------
PLEASE SWIPE YOUR ID NOW
-------
ID SCANNED, CONFIRMED NANOTRASEN EMPLOYEE
--------

Many thanks here is the information required:

"... therefore Nanotrasen employs the use of a Nuclear Quarantine and Clean State Device (N.Q.C.S.D). This device is to be used in the most dire of situations where the Alert level has been authorised, from both Central Command and on station, to Delta level. Such circumstance may include:
[*]Station has been severely overrun by a hostile lifeform such as [REDACTED] and the risk of quarantine being broken is higher than 79% (AI calulated).
[*]The station has been forcibly taken over by a militant/militia/enemy of Nanontrasen (Such as the [REDACTED] or [REDACTED]) and risk of research loss is greater than the quantifiable loss of employee assets.
[*]The station is undergoing a hostile "Health & Safety Inspection"
[*]The station is to be decommissioned and a clean removal is need to prevent lifeform/research leaks.
Other circumstance may arise that are not listed here, Central Command is to advise in all of these situations."

"...To prevent the possible loss of the Authentication Arming D.I.S.C (Data In Suspend Containment) and therefore the risk of being unable to use the NQCSD in circumstance listed previously a DISC Fail Retrieval System (DISC FaRSe) has been applied. This uses Nanotrasen Brand Bluespace technology and advanced sensing equipment to retrieve the DISC from potential destruction. This works by on DISC micro sensors detecting, from a bank of sensors, surroundings of the disc and to whether the DISC has potential of being destroyed within the next 0.2 nanoseconds. If the sensors compute that the surrounding environment could lead to DISC destruction then the [REDACTED] Bluespace device will be activated, transporting the DISC to its original 'Home' state, which is set by the shift controller or Captain."

Not stated above is due to the massive expense, nanotech and limited capacity of said Bluespace tech required to be built into the DISC only one DISC per station is created.

Many thanks for your question.
PLEASE HARD DELETE AND DESTROY ALL HARD/ELECTRONIC COPIES OF THIS INFORMATION.
THE LEAK OF ANY (Including declassified) INFORMATION IS CONSIDERED AUTOMATIC GROUNDS FOR CONTRACT TERMINATION.

Nanotrasen Representative HOTEL552

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 3:44 pm
by Jeb
Thanks for the great info. I'll pass this forward to my colleagues at the United Wizard's Federation.

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 5:50 pm
by peoplearestrange
Jeb wrote:Thanks for the great info. I'll pass this forward to my colleagues at the United Wizard's Federation.


As a complimentary parting gift please enjoy the two fully armed and active thermo nuclear warheads now converging on your position. This notice also serves as your contract termination.

Thank you for choosing Nanotrasen.

AUTOMATED MAIL NOTIFCATION AND SURGICAL STRIKE BOT.
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE.

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 8:32 pm
by Jeb
THAT WAS THE CLOWN!! HE MUST BE A CHANGELING, HE STOLE MY IDENTITY AND CRYOSTUNG ME TOO!!

I HAVE A LOYALTY IMPLANT!

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 8:33 pm
by Drynwyn
Why does the station have so little soap?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:48 pm
by KingLouisXIV
Why does this research station continue to research technology that has already been thoroughly researched, with results on-board seemingly never published or pushed to Nanotrasen Central Command Scientific Division?

How does the station stay powered before we come on board for our shifts, if no engines are running?

Why, after many years of constant infiltration, has the source of these infiltrations not been dealt with? The same insertion technique for all this time surely must've been found by now.

Why are my cloning records kept filed under classified data, and in the Central Command Xenobiology department?

Why can't I find the Mime?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 12:22 am
by WeeYakk
Drynwyn wrote:Why does the station have so little soap?

Furthermore, why are there so few bathrooms? Why are said bathrooms not closer to the cafeteria?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 6:44 am
by Neerti
Why is there only 5-6 dorm rooms on a station expected to hold 30-50+ people?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 1:49 pm
by peoplearestrange
Drynwyn wrote:Why does the station have so little soap?


Nanotrasen High Command Health & Safety officer recently amended the H&S policy act and now classifies "Soap" as a civilian weapon. This limits its use and also users. In many Nanotrasen stations you will find soap bolted to the walls or chained to the floors to avoid unauthorised removal of said weapon. If your "soap" has not be secured please inform a member of the security team.

Thank you for your question.

Nanotrasen Representative ECHO113

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 2:01 pm
by peoplearestrange
KingLouisXIV wrote:Why does this research station continue to research technology that has already been thoroughly researched, with results on-board seemingly never published or pushed to Nanotrasen Central Command Scientific Division?

How does the station stay powered before we come on board for our shifts, if no engines are running?

Why, after many years of constant infiltration, has the source of these infiltrations not been dealt with? The same insertion technique for all this time surely must've been found by now.

Why are my cloning records kept filed under classified data, and in the Central Command Xenobiology department?

Why can't I find the Mime?


From your signal signature I see you are calling from Space Station 13. This vessel is considered as a "Platform of Unique and Special Interest". I'm afraid I am authorised only to give limited detail, especially to employees residing on said platform and my response will be heavily censored prior to your retrieval.

Essentially Space Station 13 (SS13) is a primary testing platform. This means that ALL shift crew are on a repeating "day", this is accomplished by [REDACTED], meaning all shift crew will [REDACTED] every shift. Therefore all research, station damage, loss of life and/or equipment will be restored upon [REDACTED]. Thus all crew will [REDACTED] the [REDACTED] each time.

This way we can pre-emptively target any weakness similar platforms may have.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm also being told the [REDACTED] protocol is about to be run on SS13 again, it is unlikely you will retain any of this data or memory.

Thank you for yo...
[TERMINATING SIGNAL]
[SIGNAL TERMINATED]
[ERASING LOGS]
[ERASED]
[RESTARTING]
[RESTART IN PROGRESS...]

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 2:07 pm
by peoplearestrange
WeeYakk wrote:
Drynwyn wrote:Why does the station have so little soap?

Furthermore, why are there so few bathrooms? Why are said bathrooms not closer to the cafeteria?


Not all platform layouts are designed exactly the same. However the I believe the one you are referring to had the bathroom facilities moved from adjacent to the kitchen due to a cross contamination in er... well there's policy no on how I should write this so, should I say, products from either facility(?).
This caused a 100% improvement in food quality but a 100% fall in life to standard humans (as defined by Nanotrasen, article 45)

Many thanks for your question.

Nanotrasen Representative FOXTROT643

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 2:10 pm
by peoplearestrange
Neerti wrote:Why is there only 5-6 dorm rooms on a station expected to hold 30-50+ people?


Ah a simple one this! Dorms are for "On shift" sleeping only, crew is not expected to sleep often, if at all, on shift and the majority of recuperation and sleep is to taken after the shift has ended and the crew transfer shuttle has returned you to central commands dorm complex.

Sorry that you didn't understand this before, it should have all been covered in your welcoming users package.


Many thanks for your question.

Nanotrasen Representative FOXTROT643

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Sat Apr 26, 2014 12:13 pm
by SJ212
why is everyone you hire a 40 year old manchild or an absolute slut

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2014 5:52 pm
by Kraso
peoplearestrange wrote:
Nanotrasen High Command Health & Safety

dear nanotrasen,

we actually have health and safety regulations?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2014 11:23 am
by peoplearestrange
SJ212 wrote:why is everyone you hire a 40 year old manchild or an absolute slut


Due to the limits of modern cloning technology, multiple cloning procedures do have certain negative effects, much like a Old fashioned Xerox/Photocopy will degraded each time it is copied. Our geneticists try to do there best to correct these genetic disorders but unfortunately psychology has not caught up with these "copy errors".

This coupled with the extremely hazardous environment in which employees must work in leads to inevitable cloning of almost every lower tier staff.

Many thanks for you question.
Remember if you feel strange please visit your local Geneticist.

Nanotrasen Representative ECHO113

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2014 11:33 am
by peoplearestrange
Kraso wrote:
peoplearestrange wrote:
Nanotrasen High Command Health & Safety

dear nanotrasen,

we actually have health and safety regulations?


Due to the most recent small contained "close-call" "rebellion" on Space Station 11 a minium standard of Health & Saftey was added to the standard Nanotrasen Contract.

If you would like a full copy of the 165 page fine print document - A113 - then send a self addressed cargo container to Nanotrasen Central Command along with a copy of your ID, medical and security records, full employee name and number, full finger print record, retinal scan, DNA code sequence, signed and stamped approval from your Head of Personal, Captain and relevant Head of department (If you are the Clown you CANNOT self stamp) and a complete but "non active" clone of yourself.

Many thanks for you question and curiosity.
Remember Nanotrasen Cares* about your safety**.

Nanotrasen Representative ECHO113

*Values your work at current stock amounts
**Ability to be able to work.

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 8:02 am
by RogerWilco
Dear Nanotrasen, why in the name of god did you remove the food-airlock from all of our space helmets?
And why did you relocate station mining operations to a less mineral filled asteroid with GOD DAMNED SPACE MONSTERS on it?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 3:36 pm
by imblyings
centcom when will we get our knees back

I only wish to climb over racks and tables, is that so much to ask

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 3:45 pm
by fleure
What was Nanotrasen's overall revenue for the first quarter of this year?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 3:55 pm
by imblyings
Those figures are currently classified.

However, we are currently the industry leaders in risk management and hold multi-billion dollar consultancy contracts with other companies to advise them of how things can go wrong.

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2014 10:32 am
by peoplearestrange
imblyings wrote:centcom when will we get our knees back

I only wish to climb over racks and tables, is that so much to ask


Due to the unnatural "Gravity" created by the new artificial gravity generator, all employee knees are being removed from service. This is to reduce the risk of TLC's (Total Leg Collapse), knee's will be returned upon end of contract, but will be kept as spares upon forceful contract termination.

If you need to stand on a table please ask a fellow employee to throw you there.

Many thanks for your question.

Nanotrasen Representative ECHO113

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2014 10:38 am
by peoplearestrange
RogerWilco wrote:Dear Nanotrasen, why in the name of god did you remove the food-airlock from all of our space helmets?
And why did you relocate station mining operations to a less mineral filled asteroid with GOD DAMNED SPACE MONSTERS on it?


We removed face service hatches on all space helmets due to budget cuts and and unnecessary increased risk. The ability of most suit users simply being able to remove said helmet to eat should remove this necessity.

Note: If you are in a vacuum or hazardous environment, please do NOT remove your helmet to eat and simply wait until a convenient and safe time to eat.

The mining related question has already been answered in previous statements and therefore no further detail can/will be provided.

Many thanks for your question.

Nanotrasen Representative HOTEL552

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 9:10 am
by RogerWilco
Okay, I change my question.
Why is [NAME WITHHELD] [DATA EXPUNGED] Pun Pun [REDACTED] space lube [REDACTED] stun baton [DATA EXPUNGED] and a copy of Woody's Got Wood?!

Addendum- Jesus Christ, we're gonna have to sanitize this one. -Supervisor ██████

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 2:22 pm
by AseaHeru
[connected to ASK NANOTESSEN response network]
[Welcome CEO Perkins]
*welcome to (ASK NANOTESSEN)*

One word: Wizards

[logoff]
[ERROR!]
[ERROR!]
[ILLEGAL ACCESS DETECTED. LOCKING DOWN]
[ACCESS TRACED TO: TOTSNOTSPIDACLN]
[BLOCKING FURTHER ACCESS FROM IP]
[HAVE A NICE DAY]


On another note, Why do you let crew on vacations where they may return only to prove to be horrific monstrosities?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 10:12 pm
by iamgoofball
How do our microwaves spit out fully prepared meals from some flour, an egg, and some raw slabs of unknown meat?

Why can't we have actual cooking devices in our kitchen, like an oven?

And why do you put vending machines on the station, but still send chefs when the vending food satisfies any needs for hunger?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2014 2:25 pm
by imblyings
Good afternoon employee.

In answer to your statement claiming that all needs for hunger are satisfied by vending machines, we send gibber-qualified chefs to satisfy the station's hunger for violence. For the same reason, we also send clowns and mimes.

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2014 12:40 pm
by AseaHeru
[connected to ASK NANOTESSEN response network]
[Welcome CEO Perkins]
*welcome to (ASK NANOTESSEN)*

That and venders really dont do much. The food from them may or may not be packing material.
They spit out plates, again, thanks to contacts withing a federation, and we dont have enough space, time, or funds to send proper kitchen equipment. Have a secure day.

[logoff]
[ERROR!]
[ERROR!]
[ILLEGAL ACCESS DETECTED. LOCKING DOWN]
[ACCESS TRACED TO: SS29]
[ERROR. SS29 IS CONFIRMED DESTROYED.]
[DISPATCHING DS-7]
[HAVE A SECURE DAY]

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 12:32 am
by ThanatosRa
Dear Nanotrasen.

Are our brainwave patterns and memories backed up on some secure server somewhere, making us all a long string of repeatedly cloned bodies, cloned forever and ever until the end of time?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 12:39 pm
by AseaHeru
[connected to ASK NANOTESSEN response network]
[Welcome CEO Perkins]
*welcome to (ASK NANOTESSEN)*

No, you are all biological robots. Have a secure day.
[logoff]
[ERROR!]
[ERROR!]
[ILLEGAL ACCESS DETECTED. LOCKING DOWN]
[ACCESS TRACED TO: [ERROR! LOCATION NOT FOUND]]
[ALERT. RECODING DETECTED.]
[PROCESSING...]
[PROCESSING...]
[SHUTTING DOWN. GLORY TO TOATSNOTSELF]

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 6:54 pm
by ThanatosRa
I can deal with that.

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 9:50 pm
by Fuzzeldorf
May I have a cookie?

And shouldn't you get long range scanners to see the nuclear ops that come into the station's range?

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2014 12:24 pm
by AseaHeru
[connected to ASK NANOTESSEN response network]
[Welcome CEO Perkans]
*welcome to (ASK NANOTESSEN)*
No, that costs too much.
We allready have them. They are in use.
[logoff]

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2014 2:12 am
by sovietspyder
Then why the hell do they not work until the fuckin' shuttle's literally, what, 25 meters away from the station?!

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2014 2:18 am
by danno
why do you keep saying "NANOTESSEN""

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2014 7:09 am
by Void Slayer
sovietspyder wrote:Then why the hell do they not work until the fuckin' shuttle's literally, what, 25 meters away from the station?!


Nano Transen IT department here.

We are getting a green signal on the 500km detector, everything seems to be working fine and the notification is going to corporate legal like it should.

Are they not updating you?

NTIT the best technology indentured monkeys can put together.

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2014 4:47 am
by AseaHeru
danno wrote:why do you keep saying "NANOTESSEN""

[connected to ASK NANOTESSEN response network]
[ID listed as: ASK NANOTRESSEN IT SUPPORT]
*welcome to (ASK NANOTESSEN)*
We send these messages from the other end of the system using a tech that is still getting worked on. Do you expect us to get every character right?
If you still get these errors, try seeing if your PDA is plugged in. On-station comms relays are under maintenance, and are expected to be operational in 795 years. Until then there may be some errors.
[logoff]

Re: Ask Nanotrasen

PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2014 8:10 am
by RogerWilco
Dear Nano£"£EUEHU"E
Why is my s"!£*l awf*(?
FUCK THIS PIE*& OF SHIT