a former friend of mine killed himself

[Super Aggro Crag]

I'm using this forum as my blog from now on btw. It feels really weird and I'm having trouble sleeping. I always thought it would be me to be the first one of us to go. That or the kid with the heart condition or the dude who got cancer in his 20s. The last time we talked we fought about nothing. I guess he was sad because he lost his job? If I lost my job I probably wouldn't kill myself I don't think. I'd just take my last check and buy a bus ticket to an0n3s house and tell him to get me a job fixing keyboards or something. I knew he was depressed but I was told not to tell anyone. I wonder, if I did, would things be different? Feels weird man. Hard to sleep.

[oranges]

it is what it is

[D&B]

You can't blame yourself for it. Even if you say you aren't, right now you're probably on the bargain stage. From the way your post is written it seems you feel like you subconsciously think you could have done more, but if he was at the tipping point, then you alone would not have probably been able to stop it.

[ShadowDimentio]

Crag your life sucks man, I'm sorry you've gotta go through all this shit at once.

[Super Aggro Crag]

I told people at work today who knew him and did not yet know of his death. They seemed upset with me. Apparently I do not appear sad enough? I have a weird grief response,i told them. I certainly feel bad, but mostly for the people that knew and cared for him, I suppose.

[Armhulen]

Arguably the best person on the forums has the shittiest life

[ThanatosRa]

Crag. You're a good guy. Don't forget that.

[Super Aggro Crag]

Yes everyone loves me. Even my mom.

[DemonFiren]

Actually, seeing those two threads right next to each other (accident and this one) makes me wonder.

Jesus fuck. Crag, are you all right?

[Super Aggro Crag]

No not really

I want to fly a mutual friend across the country so they can attend the memorial service but I'm flipping poor unfortunately.

[DrPillzRedux]

Just don't become like me by drinking or drugging your troubles away. You're better than that.

[Super Aggro Crag]

When I have trouble I just jerk off until I bleed.

[Wyzack]

Your liver thanks you, but i am sure your penis is horrified

[Super Aggro Crag]

No its ok I'm pretty sure it decreases my chance of prostate problems

[ThanatosRa]

Well use it or lose it.

[Timbrewolf]

My door's open.

[firecage]

Such is life. It hands you a cookie, then kicks you in the knee, then kicks you in the stomach, then repeatedly beats you with a baseball back, and finally it takes the cookie back.

[Toronto88]

it is what it is

Wow well aren't you just a shining beacon of great advice? Go fuck yourself you callous little dweeb.

[oranges]

long day tonto?

[Toronto88]

That's irrelevant, did you really think what you said was going to be helpful at all?

[Lumbermancer]

Helpful? Do you come to spacemen forums looking for psychological counseling? SAC made a blog post and received positive replies.

You're being edgy for the sake of edginess, but I understand by now that's your whole shtick.

[Super Aggro Crag]

Don't be mean to tonto

[Lumbermancer]

I've never been mean to anyone on these forums.

[Toronto88]

Helpful? Do you come to spacemen forums looking for psychological counseling? SAC made a blog post and received positive replies.

You're being edgy for the sake of edginess, but I understand by now that's your whole shtick.

"it is what it is", yea that's real fucking helpful you smarmy little jackwagon. I'll tell you what it is, it's SAD! Just like Oranges ability to dispense relevant advice.

[Lumbermancer]

If you were less angry you'd notice I implicitly agreed with you.

[peoplearestrange]

This place has become much of a community than just a forum for a game anymore. Heck theres a few people here I'd consider friends. My guess was SAC feels the same and maybe was reaching out, or heck maybe its just a place to get stuff off his chest semi-anoymously with the chance of some feedback or something to take his mind off things.

Anyway, suicide is always a difficult thing to talk about, its a strange mental disease that we rarely know how to confront. All I can say is don't blame yourself, do what you're doing and carry on, talk to people and don't face things alone like they felt they had to. Life is a strange thing and death is stranger still, but the best way to deal with it is to at least communicate with some others.

I'm genuinely here if you need someone to PM n such, I think I know you well enough to say that.

[ColonicAcid]

I have no agency to know how you feel other than the fact that I get hard over anything to do with Albert Camus & Nietzsche. None of my mates have killed themselves, none of them probably will out of pure will, if they die it'll be something like cancer or occupational hazards or some shit (90% sure of this, I mean you never can be sure but there is nobody that I know that have an unstable psyche to actually go through with it.)

What you're going through right now, the feeling of "uncaring" that you show on the outside is known as the philosophy of the absurd. This is usually first shown by the fact that you stop caring about death. Mersault, when learning that his mother died, showed the same response. General uncaring, why should he care about someone who is not even in this world. He went to her funeral out of social norms, not out of mourning. If it was socially acceptable for him not to go he wouldn't have. He saw nothing connecting between him and his mother now that she had died. To him, she had finally escaped the paradox that is human life: We wish to find the inherent meaning of the university but as humans we never will. There is usually three ways to respond to this crisis:

1) Suicide, escaping the absurd. Camus counters this idea and states that it its inherently absurd to end your own life to escape absurdity.
2) Through religion, or belief of any kind that transcend our own existence and realm. Known to philosophers as the "leap of faith" and to Camus as "Philosophical suicide".
3) Acceptance. Mersault accepted this, and to his credit died to his beliefs. All through The Stranger Mersault could have shown remorse for his actions, shown remorse for his mother's death, but he never did. Through this he showed ultimate free will, he had accepted that in the end, we die, and when anyone dies they die not having answered the most important question in life, "Why are we here." If he had plead for himself, especially since he was a white Algerian that had killed an arab (contextually) he would've gotten a much more lenient sentencing, but his general contempt, nay, general uncaring of the situation made him look like a sadistic murderer, of which he clearly was not since when we had Mersault's agency we saw that he did not understand the outcome of his actions until after the event. It was instinctual, not pre-planned as the prosecution made it look like.

It's okay to not feel remorse or regret at learning someone chose to take their life. I'm not going to sugar coat it, could you have prevented it? Perhaps, just like there is a tiny, tiny astronomical chance that somehow through the power of atomic quantum linking that a gun shows up in front of me and shoots me. In life, nothing is "impossible". It's just the "impossible" is statistically more unlikely than the "possible." Many people see death in many different ways, some exhibit the Kübler-Ross model, others see it in your view. Without any emotion. The most important part of accepting death at its face value, physiologically a person's biological inputs and outputs cease to function is to know why you are accepting it. Is it because you have given up in face of absurdity or because you have come to accept it. Whilst they may seem like it's the same flip of the coin, in reality it is a very important distinction to make. Eluding and accepting can have very different impacts in your life.

Basically, don't feel as if you have to bawl and shout and cry because your coworkers or colleagues do. You are your own human being, do what makes you feel better. If that is general uncaring at the situation, so be it. Don't do something because you feel you are forced to do. They may have seem angry at you because of you not caring as much as them, but you have to remember that at that time they had mixed feelings. If someone had told me someone I knew had died my mind would be all over the place. I wouldn't know how to formulate myself. Tell them at a later date that is how you deal with those emotions, they should understand you, and if they were harsh at the time may even apologise. I don't know the entire situation obviously but everyone is human at the end, and humans are instinctual and behavioural creatures.

[Super Aggro Crag]

Thank everyone

[starmute]

Suicide... is a selfish thing to do. I'm sorry for your loss crag. Although your friend killed himself try to live your life the best way possible. We only get one life to live and its best we don't waste it.

[DrPillzRedux]

Suicide is not a selfish thing. It's a mental issue and anyone thinking of doing it isn't in the right state of mind. They need professional help. It's very important to understand the signs of it and get them to treatment.

Despite what people say, meds do help start the path to recovery.