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The actual guide for Telescience is written horribly. I'm remaking it.

Welcome to Telescience, the room where you teleport things/people/bombs you aren't supposed to have into places said things/people/bombs aren't supposed to be, or use it for legitimate purposes.

Tha' Hell is This New Fangled Telescience Stuff That Runs on That Electricial-Tricity?

The Telescience Lab

Telescience is a single room at the south end of the Research department hallway.

This area focuses on teleportation, both sending and receiving. It is equipped with a Telepad, a secure room to teleport people and things in and out of, and several handheld GPS readers.

Telescience is imprecise, but potentially extremely useful. Try teleporting GPSs to see where they go, and then from there you can move objects or people back and forth from your lab. Like all science rooms, experimentation is key!

Holy Shit, I Will be the Ruler of Space and Time!

A word of warning. Telescience requires math. Of course, as a scientist, you have a good understanding of mathematical knowledge and projectile trajectory, right?

The telepad console has 4 settings:

  • Bearing (measured in degrees, can be changed from 0 to 360)
  • Elevation (measured in degrees, can be changed from 0 to 90)
  • Power (measured in integer units, can be changed from 5 to 100 provided you have enough Bluespace Crystals at hand, from 5 to 20 by default)
  • Sector (defines the z-level which we are beaming to or from, default is 1, corresponding to the main station z-level).

Together, these 4 settings define the coordinates whatever or whoever is on the telepad will find themselves after you push the Send button on the console via the following equation:

  • Telescience destinationX equation.png
  • Telescience destinationY equation.png


  • Telescience distance equation.png

For non-mathy people, think of the telepad as a cannon. Your bearing is the angle you rotate the cannon to, your elevation is the angle you point your barrel at the sky, the power is how hard you're going to shoot the projectile, and the sector has no analogy here.

For mathy people, think the same thing, but keep in mind the following

  • There is no drag/air resistance to calculate
  • The cannon's aiming is perfect
  • The terrain is perfectly flat
  • The gravitational acceleration in this world is 10 units/second^2
  • 0° is north.

Alright, I'm ready to teleport a bomb into the AI Core!

Not so fast. It would be way too easy to use telescience if the equations were that simple! To compensate, Nanotrasen has added some features to make telescience more inaccurate! Basically, there are little "offsets" that get added to the values you input. For now, we're just going to deal with two offsets, because that is how the teleporter currently is. Here they are:

  • The Power Offset. This is a number x such that -4 ≤ x ≤ 0. This will be added to the power that you input for the teleporter to use.
  • The Bearing Offset. This is a number x such that -10 ≤ x ≤ 0. This will be added to the bearing that you input for the teleporter to use.

So, in reality, here are the real equations we will be using with telescience:

  • Telescience real destinationX equation.png
  • Telescience real destinationY equation.png


  • Telescience real distance equation.png

To make things even more fun, every 20-40 uses the teleporter will have to be "recalibrated," which randomly changes the offsets. Yay!

Ugh. Fine. Just tell me what the hell I need to do!

My pleasure. Basically, we're going to substitute known values into the equations above and solve for the offsets. It's really not that hard. Here's what we're gonna do:

  1. Grab a GPS and teleport it to get a DestinationX and a DestinationY value, plus a Distance value.
  2. Plug said values into the equations above, along with the bearing you used to teleport the GPS.
  3. Solve for the bearing offset.
  4. Plug the power and elevation you teleported the GPS with into the distance equation above.
  5. Solve for the power offset.

Let's get started, shall we?

Step 1, in detail

Telescience Room
This thing.
  1. Grab two GPS's from the table to your left. Look at the image provided if you are retarded and can't find them.
  2. Take one and place it on the telepad. Again, look at the image provided if you have no idea what I'm talking about.
  3. Now, go to the telescience computer and use it. Set the bearing and elevation to whatever the hell you want, but 0° for the bearing and 45° for the elevation makes the following steps easier.
  4. Set the power to 20 or higher.
  5. Now hit send
  6. Use the GPS in your hand. This will give you a list of GPS's. Look for the one that is in a different room than the others.
  7. Write down the coordinates somewhere
  8. To calculate the distance the GPS traveled, we use the following equation

Telescience gps distance equation.png

We use 185 and 97 because the telepad is located at 185, 97.

Write down that distance somewhere.

Steps 2-3, in detail

Alright, so now you have some values. Time to plug that shit into the equations.

For the purposes of this article, the GPS that we teleported ended up at 184, 137. The distance the GPS traveled is 40.01249804748511...ish, or the square root of 1,601. The bearing, elevation, and power were 0, 45, and 20, respectively.

First thing we're going to do is plug the numbers we have into the DestinationX equation to determine the bearing offset.

Telescience plugged distanceX equation.png

Subtract 185 from both sides

Telescience plugged distanceX equation step 1.png

Divide both sides by 40.01249804748511

Telescience plugged distanceX equation step 2.png

Take the arcsin of 0.02499479361892

Telescience plugged distanceX equation step 3.png

By default, my calculator calculates stuff in radians. To convert to degrees, multiply by 180/pi

Telescience plugged distanceX equation solved.png

And we end up with a value of 1.432245340659903. Multiply that number by -1, and you have your bearing offset. It's either -1 or -2!

Steps 3-4, in detail

Now to solve for the power offset.

First, plug in your values. We know the distance is equal to the square root of 1601, so no need to calculate that again. Elevation was 45, and the Power was 20.

Telescience plugged distance equation.png

Well, the sine of 90pi/180 radians, or pi/2, is 1, so we can cut that shit out of the equation

Telescience plugged distance equation step 1.png

Multiply both sides by 10

Telescience plugged distance equation step 2.png

Take the square root of both sides

Telescience plugged distance equation step 3.png

Well, we know that PowerOffset must be a negative number. Therefore we can remove those bars and multiply the left side of the equation by -1.

Telescience plugged distance equation step 4.png

Add 20 to both sides

Telescience plugged distance equation step 5.png

Which is equal to -0.0031242678450383. Therefore, the power offset is 0.

Challenges for the Robust in All of Us

  1. Be useful and teleport dead bodies to Genetics for cloning, or injured crew straight to Medbay for treatment!
  2. Teleport an Engineering Cyborg straight to a hull breach!
  3. Borrow all the Chef's donuts!
  4. Teleport the last remaining revhead into the Brig for implanting!
  5. Find the remaining Bananium ore and construct a H.O.N.K. mech for the Clown!
  6. Teleport the Nuclear Device around during a Nuclear Operatives -round! Bonus points if it's right after they stick in DAT FUKKEN DISK and before they input the code! Double bonus points for teleporting it to the derelict!
  7. Teleport a bomb onto a malfunctioning AI's core!
  8. Teleport the WGW reader into LORD SINGULOTH!