WHAT YOU SHOULD FUCKING DO DURING WAR OPS: THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE

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NOTE: SOME OF THE INFORMATION IN THIS ARTICLE MIGHT BE A BIT OUTDATED. WHEN THIS WAS WRITTEN, THE CHANCE OF NUKE OPS IN SECRET WAS AROUND 20%, AND FUNGAL TB WAS THE META. ALSO, WAR OPS WERE A LOT MORE COMMON.
  • ARE YOU FUCKING PISSED ABOUT THE TIMES WHEN MEDBAY IS CARPETED WITH FUNGAL TB VICTIMS AND THE CMO SITS IN HER PRETTY BIOSUIT TWIDDLING HER THUMBS?
  • ARE YOU FUCKING PISSED AT SCIENCE FOR RESEARCHING ADVANCED MINING BECAUSE SOME SPOILED BRAT MINER WANTS IT?
  • WELL, YOU CAN BEAT PEOPLE ON THEIR HEAD (NOT THAT IT'LL DO MUCH WITH ALL THAT WATER INSIDE) WITH THIS FUCKING GUIDE THEN.

MEDICAL

CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER

  • SET ALL OF MEDICAL TO EMERGENCY ACCESS
  • SET UP A DEFIB MOUNT IN MEDBAY LOBBY
  • I DUNNO GO DO WHATEVER NEEDS TO BE DONE (USUALLY TB CURE)

MEDICAL DOCTOR/VIROLOGIST/CHEMIST

YOU FUCKING MAKE TB CURE SHIT. ITS FUCKING EASY.

  • STEP 1: GRAB A 30u BOTTLE OF EPINEPHRINE (THEY'RE FUCKING EVERYWHERE)
  • STEP 2: GO INTO CHEMISTRY
  • STEP 3: GRAB A BEAKER, INJECT 10u OXYGEN, POTASSIUM, SUGAR
  • STEP 4: MIX THE EPINEPHRINE AND THE CRYPTOBIOLIN TOGETHER
  • STEP 5: CONGRATS YOU JUST FUCKING MADE 60u OF SPACEALLIN
  • STEP 6: GRAB PERFLUORODECALIN FROM THE OXYGEN DEPRIVATION FIRST AID KITS, OR JUST MAKE SOME YOURSELF
  • STEP 7: MIX 50u OF THE PERFLUORODECALIN WITH 50u OF THE SPACEALLIN YOU CREATED EARLIER
  • STEP 8: YOU NEED BOTH PERFLUORODECALIN AND SPACEALLIN IN YOUR SYSTEM IN ORDER TO ACTUALLY CURE FUNGAL TB
  • STEP 9: SYNTHESIZE THE RESULTING 100u INTO 10 PILLS, FUNGAL TB HAS A SHITTY ASS CURE CHANCE OF 5 WHICH MEANS THAT THE MORE SHIT YOU GET INJECTED WITH THE BETTER
  • STEP 10 (OPTIONAL): WHEN YOU FINALLY CURE SOMEONE, TAKE THEIR BLOOD, AND TAKE IT TO HOLODECK OR VIROLOGY. IF YOU'RE IN THE HOLODECK, SET IT TO THE MEDICAL SIMULATOR, OTHERWISE JUST POP IT IN THE PANDEMIC MACHINE. THERE WILL BE A BUTTON TO MAKE A VACCINE BOTTLE, JUST PRESS IT, AND IT SHITS ONE OUT. WAY MORE EFFICIENT, AND IT'S A COMPLETELY LIMITLESS SUPPLY OF THE CURE.

VIROLOGIST

  • OH DAWWW YOU MADE A HEALING VIRUS
  • OH FUCK FUNGAL TB JUST OVERPOWERED IT AND KICKED ITS ASS
  • MORAL OF THE STORY: YOUR PANSY ASS HEALING VIRUSES DON'T AND CAN'T DO SHIT AGAINST FUNGAL TB
  • DON'T FUCKING MAKE HEALING VIRUSES

TIPS

  • THERE ARE TWO NANOMED PLUSES IN MEDICAL, ROUNDSTART. EACH NANOMED HAS 2 SYRINGES OF SPACEALLIN, MAKING FOR 4 IN TOTAL
  • THE VIROLOGY FRIDGE STARTS WITH 4 SYRINGES OF SPACEALLIN
  • THIS MEANS THAT WITHOUT CHEMISTRY, YOU HAVE 120u OF SPACEALLIN
  • FOLLOWING THOSE STEPS ABOVE RESULTS IN 60u OF SPACEALLIN
  • JESUS FUCKING BATMAN
  • YOU CAN THROW PEOPLE INTO SLEEPERS (NOPE, NO FUN ALLOWED)
  • VACCINE BOTTLES WORK TOO, BUT MAKING VACCINE BOTTLES REQUIRES YOU TO CURE SOMEONE AND THEN TAKE THEIR BLOOD, AND YOU CAN'T PREPARE A VACCINE BEFORE EVERYONE GETS FUCKING INFECTED
  • GRAB THE LETHAL INJECTION SYRINGE LOCKER FROM THE "PRISONER REEDUCATION FACILITY" IN PERMABRIG AND LOAD THEM INTO YOUR SYRINGE GUN
  • HAS A SUPER NICHE USE, SINCE HARDSUITS PROTECT AGAINST SYRINGES, BUT IF YOU GET ONE WITHOUT A HARDSUIT, A SINGLE HIT BY A LETHAL INJECTION SYRINGE PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEES THEIR DEATH

GENETICIST

  • HULK IS FUCKING USELESS BECAUSE THE OPS HAVE BALLISTIC WEAPONRY AND DON'T USE STUNS
  • ALSO, HULKS CAN'T USE GUNS, WHICH HANDICAPS YOUR ASS PRETTY HARD
  • NO SERIOUSLY, HULK IS SHIT AGAINST OPS
  • TWO COMPETENT GENETICISTS CAN GET ALL 6 POWERS WITHIN 20 MINUTES, ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE PERMANENTLY DOSED WITH MUTADONE
  • COLD RESISTANCE IS GOOD FOR SPACEWALKING WITHOUT A HARDSUIT
  • TELEKINESIS IS GOOD FOR MURDERING OPS WITH POTTED PLANTS
  • XRAY IS GOOD SO YOU CAN MURDER OPS WITH POTTED PLANTS FROM WITHIN MAINT
  • CHAMELEON IS GOOD SO YOU CAN MURDER OPS WITH POTTED PLANTS FROM WITHIN MAINT WHILST BEING INVISIBLE
  • DWARF IS, UH, GOOD FOR KITING OPS IN THE BAR
  • HULK IS VOMITED UP DOG DIARRHEA LEVELS OF SHIT

SCIENCE

RESEARCH DIRECTOR

  • SET ALL OF SCIENCE TO EMERGENCY ACCESS
  • GO CHANGE THE AI'S LAWS IF THE CAPTAIN HASN'T DONE SO ALREADY
  • DRAG THE AI'S ASS OUT OF ITS SATELLITE AND INTO SOME SECLUDED PLACE IN MAINT
  • SET UP AUXILIARY CLONING USING THE MACHINE BOARDS IN TECH STORAGE
  • BITCH AT YOUR SUBORDINATES
  • BITCH AT THE MINERS FOR WANTING BETTER FUCKING GEAR

SCIENTIST

  • DON'T RESEARCH ADVANCED MINING YOU RETARD
  • I SAID DON'T
  • BAD DOGGIE

WHAT YOU RESEARCH

  • STEP 1: INDUSTRIAL ENGINEERING
  • STEP 2: WEAPON DEVELOPMENT TECHNOLOGY
  • STEP 3: BALLISTIC WEAPONRY
  • STEP 4: WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU NEED TO RESEARCH TO GET ELECTRIC WEAPONS
  • STEP 5: ELECTRIC WEAPONRY
  • STEP 6: WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU NEED TO RESEARCH TO GET MEDICAL WEAPONS
  • STEP 7: MEDICAL WEAPONRY
  • STEP 8: ROLL TIDE (EXCEPT FOR MINING TECH BECAUSE FUCK EM)
  • THIS MEANS THAT CARGO DOESN'T WASTE THEIR POINTS ORDERING AUTO RIFLE AMMO CRATES, WHICH ARE FUCKING EXPENSIVE AS FUCK.
  • ALSO IT MEANS THAT SECURITY CAN PRINT OUT ION CARBINES FOR THE SYNDIE BORGS WHICH ARE EVERYWHERE THESE DAYS
  • MEDICAL WEAPONRY MEANS THAT YOU CAN PRINT OUT PIERCING SYRINGES, WHICH PENETRATE THROUGH NUKE OP HARDSUITS, AND 15U OF LEXORIN DOWNS AN OP FOR LIKE A FULL MINUTE

WHAT THE FUCK ELSE

  • XENOBIO IS FUCKING USELESS BECAUSE IT CAN'T DO JACK IN 20 MINUTES
  • TOXINS IS MOSTLY FOR GENERATING RESEARCH POINTS, I GUESS YOU CAN BOMB THE SYNDIE SHUTTLE IF YOU WANT THOUGH

ROBOTICIST

  • MAKE BORGS
  • MAKE BORGS
  • IF YOU SPAWN WITH RIPLEY BOARDS, BUILD A FIREFIGHTER (DONT BUILD A RIPLEY BECAUSE SOME SYNDIE MECHS USE FLAME WEAPONS)
  • STRAP A DRILL ONTO IT
  • PILOT IT INTO MANLY BATTLE AGAINST A DARK MAULER
  • DRILL THEIR ASSES
  • WIN

CARGO

QUARTERMASTER/CARGO TECHNICIAN

  • MOVE FREIGHT
  • MOVE CRATES
  • MOVE FREIGHT
  • MOLEST CITRUS
  • ORDER WT-550 AUTO RIFLE CRATES
  • DONT ORDER AUTO RIFLE AMMO CRATES
  • DISTRIBUTE GUNS
  • SELL ALL OF THE PLASMA THE MINERS BRING BACK
  • ORDER MORE AUTO RIFLE CRATES
  • DONT ORDER ENERGY GUNS OR OTHER LAME ASS LASER WEAPONRY BECAUSE SYNDIES CAN DEFLECT THEM WITH ESWORDS/ESHIELDS

QUARTERMASTER

  • SET ALL OF CARGO TO EMERGENCY ACCESS SO THE GREYTIDE CAN GET THOSE SWEET ASS GUNS
  • BITCH AT YOUR SUBORDINATES

SHAFT MINER

  • MINE ORE
  • MINE PLASMA
  • MAYBE KILL AN ASH DRAKE THAT WOULD BE SWEET AS SHIT
  • DON'T DIE
  • DON'T BITCH AT SCIENCE TO RESEARCH MINING TECH
  • DON'T BITCH AT CARGO FOR SHIPPING YOUR ORE TO CENTCOMM
  • ACTUALLY BE ON THE STATION AT THE 20 MINUTE MARK
  • BUY A MINING HARDSUIT AND AS MANY KA RANGE UPGRADES AS YOU CAN
  • GO INTO SPACE
  • SHIT ON THE SYNDIES WITH YOUR 40 DAMAGE INFINITE AMMO GUN
  • LOLOLOL

ENGINEERING

CHIEF ENGINEER

  • SET ALL OF ENGINEERING TO EMERGENCY ACCESS FOR EMITTER MEMES
  • OPEN SECURE STORAGE
  • TOW THE AI OUT OF ITS SATELLITE IF NO ONE ELSE IS WILLING TO

ENGINEER

  • SET UP THE SUPERMATTER
  • SET UP THE SOLARS
  • GO TOW SOME EMERGENCY BREACH SHIELDING GENERATOR THINGIES TO THE SUPERMATTER COOLING LOOP SO SYNDIES CAN'T SABOTAGE IT AS EASILY
  • MAKE STUNPRODS BECAUSE YOUR ENGI-VEND HAS 10 FUCKING HIGH CAPACITY POWER CELLS
  • WAIT FOR THE SUPERMATTER TO BE INEVITABLY BLOWN UP
  • DON'T RCD SOME SHITTY ASS DEFENSES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY
  • THESE DEFENSES LITERALLY SHATTER IN 2 HITS FROM A L6

ATMOSPHERIC TECHNICIAN

  • SET UP ATMOS
  • COOL SOME PLASMA
  • COLLECT THE FRIGID PLASMA IN A TANK
  • MAKE A FLAMETHROWER
  • END UP GASSING THE CAPTAIN
  • ACCIDENTALLY OPEN A BZ CANISTER
  • OOOOPSIE DAISY

SECURITY

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO

  • WAIT FOR SCIENCE TO RESEARCH BALLISTIC AND ELECTRIC WEAPONRY, THOSE BASTARDS
  • GO TO CARGO
  • GRAB AS MUCH METAL, SILVER, AND URANIUM AS YOU CAN FROM THE ORM
  • IF THERE ISN'T ENOUGH METAL, GRAB SOME FROM ENGINEERING
  • METAL AND SILVER IS FOR PRINTING ARMOR PIERCING AUTO RIFLE AMMO FROM YOUR DEPARTMENTAL PROTOLATHE
  • IF YOU'RE SHORT ON SILVER, PRINTING NORMAL AUTO RIFLE AMMO WORKS TOO
  • THE ARMOR PIERCING IS BECAUSE THE NUCLEAR OPERATIVES HAVE BULLSHIT ARMOR WHICH NEGATES MOST DAMAGE
  • USE THE METAL, SILVER, AND URANIUM TO PRINT OUT ION CARBINES FROM YOUR DEPARTMENTAL PROTOLATHE
  • THE ION CARBINE IS FOR DEALING WITH THE FUCKING SYNDIE BORGS AND THE OCCASIONAL SYNDIE MECH

HEAD OF SECURITY

  • GRAB YOUR SHIT
  • OPEN ARMORY
  • REMEMBER THAT YOUR OFFICERS GET PRIORITY ON WEAPONS AND GEAR OVER THE GREYTIDE
  • DISTRIBUTE THE LEFTOVERS TO THE GREYTIDE
  • GIVE YOUR DEPARTMENTAL PROTOLATHE BOARD TO RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT BECAUSE RELYING ON YOUR OFFICERS TO PRINT OUT GUNS IS LIKE RELYING ON A DRUNK MANATEE TO SURVIVE INSIDE THE AMAZON FUCKING RAINFOREST
  • TRY TO FOLLOW THE CAPTAIN
  • CONTRACT TB
  • WATCH MEDBAY WALK OVER YOUR GASPING COMATOSE BODY

WARDEN

  • OPEN ARMORY
  • SET ALL OF BRIG TO EMERGENCY ACCESS
  • YOU AND THE SECURITY OFFICERS GET DIBS ON GEAR
  • PREPARE FOR WHEN BRIG GETS SYNDIE BOMBED
  • ASK FOR THE PINPOINTER FROM THE CAPTAIN
  • OH WHATS THAT? A SYNDIE BOMB CONVENIENTLY PARKED OUTSIDE THE ARMORY? OH JOY!

SECURITY OFFICER

  • ARM UP
  • ARM UP
  • THROW AWAY YOUR ARMOR VEST AND GRAB SOME BULLETPROOF ARMOR, SYNDIES DON'T USE LASERS FOR SOME REASON
  • RUN AROUND
  • HARMBATON THE CLOWN
  • VALID HUNT

COMMAND

CAPTAIN

  • GET THAT FUKKEN DISK
  • SET THE HOP OFFICE TO EMERGENCY ACCESS BECAUSE FUCK THAT GUY
  • GO RENAME YOUR STATION TO SOMETHING LIKE "FUCK YOU NUKE OPS"
  • GO BREAK YOUR ANTIQUE LASER GUN OUT
  • GO CHANGE THE AI'S LAWS
  • USE THE FUCKING TELEPORTER FUCKTARD
  • ARM UP
  • GO MOPE IN CARGO OR BRIG OR SOMETHING
  • RUN AWAY
  • DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TRY TO STAND AND FIGHT
  • YOU AREN'T AS BADASS OR AS ROBUST AS YOU THINK
  • RUN AWAY
  • OH WHAT'S THAT? A NICE MAN WITH A L6 AND ADRENALS?

HEAD OF PERSONNEL

  • DISTRIBUTE ALL ACCESS
  • DISTRIBUTE ALL ACCESS
  • LEAVE ALL ACCESS ID CARDS IN THE ID MODIFICATION CONSOLES AT ARRIVALS AND AT THE CAPTAIN'S OFFICE SO PEOPLE CAN GIVE THEMSELVES DIY ALL ACCESS
  • DISTRIBUTE ALL ACCESS
  • NAG THE CAPTAIN FOR HIS PINPOINTER
  • IF THERE IS NO CAPTAIN, DO HIS JOB
  • GET STUN PRODDED AND CABLE CUFFED BY THE GREYTIDE

SERVICE

JANITOR

  • UH, CLEAN SHIT I GUESS?
  • YOU GET A FREE BIOSUIT SO YOU MIGHT AVOID THE FUNGAL TB APOCALYPSE
  • YOU SHOULD ALSO CLEAN THE INFECTED BLOOD STAINS WHICH RESULT FROM THE FUNGAL TB GRENADES
  • ROBUST SOME OPS WITH YOUR MOP
  • MAYBE SLIP SOME POOR SOD WHO FORGOT TO BUY NO-SLIPS

BARTENDER

  • SAW YOUR SHOTGUN
  • HACK THE AUTOLATHE
  • PRINT OUT BUCKSHOT SHELLS
  • SHOOT THOSE OPERATIVES
  • QUADRUPLE/QUINTIPLE SEC IS USEFUL FOR HEALING

COOK

  • UH, MAKE FOOD?
  • ROBUST THE SHIT OUT OF ANYONE WHO ENTERS YOUR KITCHEN
  • MAYBE YOU CAN GET PETE TO AGGRO ONTO THE OPS
  • THEN THEY'RE FUCKED

BOTANIST

  • GO INTO CHEMISTRY WITH YOUR SHINY ALL ACCESS ID
  • ROBUST THE CHEMISTS
  • GET MUTAGEN
  • MUTATE TOMATOES INTO BLUESPACE TOMATOES AND KILLER TOMATOES, MUTATE FLY AMANITA INTO DESTROYING ANGEL
  • THROW BLUESPACE TOMATOES AT THE OPS TO FUCK WITH THEM
  • ACTIVATE YOUR KILLER TOMATOES TO GET THEM TO CHASE THE OPS
  • DESTROYING ANGEL CONTAINS SOME OF THE MOST POTENT POISONS IN THE GAME
  • THE PROBLEM IS TRYING TO GET THE POISONS INTO THEIR SYSTEM

CIVILIAN

ASSISTANT

  • GET ALL ACCESS FROM THE HOP
  • RAID ARMORY
  • RAID BRIG
  • RAID CARGO
  • GET KILLED THE MOMENT THE OPS ARRIVE
  • BITCH IN DEAD CHAT

CLOWN

  • HONK HONK
  • ROBUST THE HOP AND STEAL ALL ACCESS EVEN THOUGH HE'S HANDING IT OUT FOR FREE HONK HONK
  • SLIP SECURITY
  • START A MANHUNT
  • THROW THE CAPTAIN OUT THE AIRLOCK
  • BWOINK

MIME

  • . . .
  • . . .
  • . . .???
  • PROFIT

CHAPLAIN

  • ARM YOURSELF WITH THE HOLY CHAINSAW BLADE OF BITCHTITS
  • WALK AROUND LOOKING ALL COOL
  • TELL THE TWO ASSISTANTS IN YOUR CHAPEL THAT JESUS HATES THEM
  • YOUR CHAPEL GETS BOMBED DUE TO IT BEING CONVENIENTLY NEXT TO DEPARTURES AND BEING MUCH LESS TRAFFICKED
  • HAHA

CURATOR

  • WHIP THE GUNS OUT OF THOSE DASTARDLY SYNDIE'S HANDS
  • PICK UP A SYNDIE GUN
  • . . .
  • GET SHOT UP BY A STECHKIN PISTOL
  • WHISPER OUT WGW

LAWYER

  • "THE CLOWN'S GOT RIGHTS YOU KNOW"
  • ANNOY PEOPLE WITH YOUR PDA MESSAGES
  • GET A LYNCH MOB CALLED AGAINST YOU
  • RUN AWAY WITH A TIDE OF DAKKA RIGHT BEHIND YOU

SILICONS

AI

  • BITCH AT THE CREW THAT THE NUCLEAR OPERATIVES ARE HUMAN AND NOT TO HARM THEM YADDA YADDA UNTIL SOMEONE FINALLY CHANGES YOUR LAWS
  • THEN BITCH AT THE CREW TO PULL YOUR ASS OUT OF THE SATELLITE
  • THEN BITCH AT THE CREW BECAUSE THEY SHOVED YOUR ASS IN PLAIN SIGHT, SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BRIDGE
  • THEN BITCH AT THE CREW ABOUT SUIT SENSORS
  • "NUKE OPS AT DEPARTURES"
  • PLASMA FLOOD DEPARTURES FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES
  • CALL OUT THE LOCATION OF THE CAPTAIN OVER COMMS EVERY COUPLE OF SECONDS

CYBORG

  • DON'T BECOME A SERVICE OR JANITOR BORG
  • YOU WILL BE DAMNED TO THE NINTH CIRCLE OF CYBORG HELL IF YOU BECOME A SERVICE BORG IN A WAR OPS ROUND
  • DO YOUR JOB
  • DO YOUR JOB WELL
  • OH LOOKIE AN OP
  • OH LOOKIE I JUST GOT DISABLED BECAUSE SOME FUCKING SODDING IDIOT OP BROUGHT THE ION RIFLE OVER
  • OH LOOKIE I'M FUCKING DEAD
  • CRY BECAUSE THE MOST EFFECTIVE WEAPON YOU HAVE IS A FLASH AND THE ROBOTICISTS REFUSE TO INSTALL ANY UPGRADES IN YOU