SS13 Classified Ads

[Bluespace]

So I had this idea in-game to make CentComm reports about certain people, label it classifieds, and see what fun stuff I could come up with.
Here's what I have so far.

[Classified Ads]

22 year old female medical doctor seeks captain or HoP for no strings. Pref clean but will practically take anything. Dial PDA Zoey Webb.

Assassin for hire! Do you hate people? Do you want a pesky co-worker dead? Do you have too much money and just wanna spend it recklessly? Just call Boris P. They'll die. Trust me. I'm serious. I'll kill anyone you want, just call. I probably won't even charge you.

pAI seeking human for loving relationship. Human must actually use doorjack instead of tools on occasion to help me feel wanted. Seek me in the pAI archives, i'm waiting for you.~

HONK! I do CHILDRENS PARTIES. BIRTHDAY PARTIES. PARTY PARTIES! It's shoe snatchin' willy! I'll steal your kids shoes, grandpa's shoes, your corgi's shoes! I just fucking love shoes, give me shoes!

14/F/SS13 lf hot male 4 cam, dial PDA Jack Steiner. xxx

Friendly changeling seeks human for proboscis fun and LSD production factory. Must have own milking tools. Dial Mr. Xi.

Want drinks? Thirsty? Want drinks because you're thirsty? I'm the barwoman. Visit the falcon. I get lonely. Valerie Williams.

Clown extermination service. Competitive rates. No honker too big. PDA Malphas Grant, i'm waiting.

Augmentations: quick, cheap, easy! Come to public garden of your nearest station and we'll take over from here!

I thought it was a pretty fun idea to do stuff that parodies people, and was wondering if you guys had any you could add?

[bandit]

only if there is one that just reads:

STOP.

[ColonicAcid]

There will always be one mating call that will live in infamy.
The mating call of the McDoughboy Family.

never forget "Ay yo gurl u wan sum fuk."

[Kiryuuin]

Friendly changeling seeks human for proboscis fun and LSD production factory. Must have own milking tools. Dial Mr. Xi.

Probably my favourite one. Proboscis milking, sign me up.

[MedicInDisquise]

Replace the normal and boring "this page is full of classified ads" at the end of the newspaper with this.

[Septavius]

Replace the normal and boring "this page is full of classified ads" at the end of the newspaper with this.

please

[Kraso]

There will always be one mating call that will live in infamy.
The mating call of the McDoughboy Family.

never forget "Ay yo gurl u wan sum fuk."

gOD

[mrpain]

/vg/station has random PDA spam ads that come up every so often, I find it really immersive and love it.