Stories of Awesome (Or something close to it.)

[TheNightingale]

Bottom post of the previous page:

I think NIghtingale is a pretty autistic player regardless of role.

Your words doth wound me,
I am burned. Get me ointment.
Back on topic, though:

You are Swarm-Of-Bees, the Roboticist!
You're looking forward to a nice, quiet shift, with nothing bad happening, or--
You are the Revolutionary! A Scientist just flashed you. Ah, well.
Nothing much of note happens, other than that the gateway is open.
A little while later, Mining delivers, and you construct a Durand for yourself, and one for the other Roboticist.
Something seems to be going wrong in the gateway. You head over there to see what's going on.
The entire Command staff, minus the HoP, has left for the away mission, and the HoP is by the gateway.
You announce your intent to go through and help anyone inside, and take an energy gun from a nearby table.
The HoP complains loudly, since that was his energy gun, and you just stole it.
You explain you're going to need a backup weapon for if your Durand gets destroyed.
The HoP doesn't believe you, and tries to shoot your Durand.
You gun him down with the Ultra AC2 and throw his body through the gateway.
The heads of staff have been defeated!

[confused rock]

Hyena was being a shit tbh
from the officers perspective it was probably like
>sec officer
>clown is breaking into upload after stealing caps id, has given an assistant all access, probably multiple
>go there
>am unrobust and slip
>he is somehow beating me with my baton even though i had pulled out a taser
>he is also slightly unrobust and stuns himself
>arrest
>hes probably a traitor or a douchebag
>know that gulag deals with shitlers
>gulag with as long a timer I can give, ensuring only traitors would try to break out
or something like that. but even though wiki timers are retarded, that still is worth at least 1,000 points.

[Cheimon]

Hell, 1000 points is as simple as major trespass (yup, upload counts) and assault of an officer (yup, stunbaton counts). Everything else can be ignored and that's still an entirely legit space law call.

[sirnat]

>You are nathan ward, the medical doctor!
>Run around do doctor things
>Xavier woods is gen who gives me hulk after finding out im implanted!
>I go around, got TK/Hulk with meson scanners, kind've like the combo with mesons and scrying orb
>Walk to dorms, see 2 ayyliens beside a guard on the floor
>Run in, kill the two ayyliens
>Save the guard
>Debrain both ayys
>Give bodies to chef
>Get a super disease from xavier doing work in viro as well
>Emily lasers me because i had syndi radio and heard me on it, that i got from ayys.
>She lets me go and apologizes
>I somehow left prints on hops computer, but i did it with TK (bug?)
>Detective then shoots me to near crit, thankfully ive got the virus
>Detective releases me after finding out what was going on
>Really salty honestly
>But I feel good I didn't shit around
>Oh and also survived the shuttle and healed some people.

[Qbopper]

>CMO tator
>I'm not very robust or good at antag
>have to kill a doctor and die, can't be that hard
>decide to play it cool for a while, usual round goes by, get braindamage, etc.
>shuttle ETA: 0:30
>haven't done anything or bought an item
>fuck
>shuttle arrives
>ERROR: SHUTTLE LAUNCH IN 10 SECONDS
>FUCK
>take off hardsuit and dash there
>make it onto the door tile
>takes off
>get dumped out in space
>with my last moments I buy a microbomb and shout "ALLA HU AKBAR"
>gib
>spectate my target
>still on the station

I'm the only one that greentexted. Christ, they must have been bad if I was the only one to succeed (to be fair I barely was able to kill myself)

I really need to practice at traitor more. This story isn't even "awesome", I was just glad I managed to somehow greentext by doing literally fuck all. Hell I probably would have forgotten to kill myself if I made it to the shuttle. Maybe next time I roll traitor I should give my objectives the finger and use my TCs to just try and help people or gimmick or something

[newfren]

The easiest way to practice traitor is to practice stealing shit as an assistant.

[IcePacks]

>play ss13
>admin: if you have at least a quarter of a brain i will make you a timetator
>have quarter of a brain
>partnered with hanz "lizard slut" leonid
>sans headset
>set to die if he dies
>shit happens; erase the ai because fuck you
>get arrested eventually trying to offset my hilariously shitty gun with diplomacy
>hey cap take these cuffs off i'm gonna kill myself
>he does it
>hahaha what an asshole
>die to carps eventually

[DrPillzRedux]

>hanging out with salts in the bar
>mime (Bryce Pax) storms in, hand teles salts
>rush through his chain of portals with nothing
>end up trapped in a xeno pen with them
>disarm him and beat the shit out of him
>he gets up and stuns me, pulls out a laser
>gets disarmed and killed by Salts
>drop his body off at medbay and go back to the bar

[ShadowDimentio]

>Be AI
>Be traitor
>Have to kill the viroguy
>Electroshock his door
>Zap him
>Cut comms so we can quietly kill him
>Order the borg to kill the virologist
>They've fucked off into space??
>FUCK
>Virologist breaks out with a C4
>FUCK
>Cut comms back on
>Everyone wants me dead
>FUCK
>They swarm me with minimal casualties
>I'm now dead
>Welp
>Shortly later a popup
>'Would you like to be the geneticist's holoparasite?'
>Are you kidding me
>Yes
>Be the geneticist's holoparasite
>They have all the powers
>We murderbone the entire station
>No survivors
>We're alone on the shuttle
>Geneticist says there can't be ANY survivors
>Tell him I understand
>He suicides
>Shuttle docks
>I GET GREENTEXT AS AI
>SOMEONE CARDED ME
>AND IT FUCKING COUNTED
>THE ONLY GREENTEXT
>THE RAREST

WOOOOOOOO

[Deitus]

snip

i was one of the morphs that round, i spent all shift just eating shit, there was another that spent the whole time just murderboning. was a pretty fun time until i tried to kill the spider to eat for health, shit is robust as fuck. kinda funny when i got butchered and exploded like a pinata full of the ENTIRE SEC ARSENAL, most of R&D, and a fucking mech from robotics.

good times.

[ShadowDimentio]

>Be mime again
>Be traitor again
>Be murderboner standard stand user again
>Be given all-access by the HoP
>Be walking into the armory
>Be looting the armory
>Be shot at by the warden
>Be tazing the warden
>Be murdering the warden
>Be called out by the AI who saw
>Be zapped by a door
>Be breaking through walls
>Be running
>Be in front of cargo
>Be attacked by esword stand user QM
>Be filling him with lasers
>Be victory
>Be drinking nothing for that sweet regen
>Be picking up his esword
>Be picking balls off wall because his stand trapped it
>Be in crit
>Be dragged to a doctor by stand
>Be healed
>Be going back to sec to finish what I started
>Be murdering everyone
>Be shot by an EMP and have weapons crippled
>Be murdering everyone still
>Be engaging a heavily armed officer, HoS, and RD??
>Be dodging because they aim like idiots
>Be going to flank them
>Be out of tasers and lasers
>Be punching and using an extinguisher
>Be outclassed in every way by stand who's fucking shit up
>Be victory x2
>Be trying to find some brute and burn medpacks on this goddamn map
>Be having trouble because the singu has eaten most of the halls
>Be at escape
>Be shot at by some guy named Sun
>Be killed by some guy named Sun because they could aim

Wew that was fun though

[Super Aggro Crag]

long story probably boring

>Decide I want to be a gimmick for a round
>Name myself Robbert Steale
>Be MIME
>Got a striped shirt and black pants, now all I need is the balaclava
>Score balaclava and fake mustache and a set of tools, begin my campaign of burglary and theft
>Create a stash in the theater back room with a lockable wardrobe, loot all the money out of the wallets in the dorm suites wardrobes, keep one wallet for IDs
>Steal all the money off the bar's gambling table and sax away from him
>Walk by the vault, some asshole is in there trying to loot the nuke core, grab as much money as I can as beepsky fucks him up, HOS comes in and ignores me to beat the shit out of the tater.
>Did not get all the gold or the champions belt, make promise to myself to go back after I stash it.
>Steal a pepper shaker from the chef, who starts screaming about robbery on the comms. However, no one cares.
>See an assistant ID lying on the ground and swipe it, now everyone thinks I'm Larry Spankenheimer.
>See chaplain getting dunked by beepsky, his bible on the ground. Pick up his bible and steal the space cash out of it, then uncuff him and send him on his way. He thanks me.
>The vault is locked down, the station is in chaos due to traitors with holoparasites, and no one is listening to PDA messages or reading notes so I doubt I can get insulated gloves. I resolve to break into EVA and make a spacewalk.
>Breaking into EVA from maint
>Get stunned by greyshirt sec conscript, dragged to brig which is in full Grey Tide Yakkety Sax Shitshow mode
>Warden is screaming at sec conscript for getting in his way
>Stripped of my gear and cuffbuckled, await my release patiently
>There is a pounding on the glass, a greyshirt with a circular saw is smashing all the brig windows and juking disabler shots. He manages to break my cell
>I remain in my cell to the greyshirts confusion as the warden comes barreling in. I lie down on the floor and he runs over me, repairs the cell, and beats the shit out of the greyshirt
>PING. The locker and my cell open, I get my gear, but my wallet is missing
>Harass the sec staff in the brig for 10 minutes until I get my wallet back while they're struggling to wrangle saxing permabrigsters
>Got my wallet, walk by EVA and notice it's been broken in already. Steal a suit and go into maint behind the vault. It's my time to shine
>Smash the window and the grille and start cutting into the reinforced wall. Realize they stole my welder and never gave it back
>Head into assistant tool storage to grab a welder, get murdered by three pissed off drink machines. Apparently every vending machine on the station is rampant
>Slowly die in crit for what seems like 20 minutes.
>But wait! A cargo tech with a chainsaw has arrived!
>He murders the vending machines and drags me to medbay. Half the station is flopping about on the floor in crit
>The medical doctors ignore my unconscious body. A medibot sits on top of me and injects me until I revive. Thanks, medibot.
>I return to maintenance, an emergency welder in hand, and finish my break in of the vault. A drone comes by and seals me in. Cheeky cunt. Break back out, spoils in hand.
>I go to store all my swag in my stash wardrobe, until the autodrobe bursts out of the theatre back room and tries to kill me. The barman and I kill it, and I get a new wardrobe to stash my stuff in
>Passing by the kitchen, the chef refers to me as her nemesis. Steal her salt shaker and PDA her telling her to stay mad, stay salty
>Get to arrivals pod and use my wardrobe to block myself in
>People keep trying to get into my pod, none of them realize to pull the wardrobe out and get in. I hear e-swords and smashing, the AI bolts my pod to protect me. Thanks AI
>Escape safely with every piece of gold and all the coins in the vault, bunches of space cash, salt and pepper shakers, the champs belt, an assistant ID and a monocle

it felt good to play a gimmick and survive a round for once

[ShadowDimentio]

Welcome to the sacred lineage of thief mimes.

[confused rock]

>highlander on ministation
>be lizard assistant
>go to medbay
>kill a nerd
>guy hiding in locker pops out
>knock down, gg
>suddenly plasma
>guy comes in to hide
>we realise we need each others help for ideas
>We decide to use chemistry, and try to find a way to empty the anesthetic tank
>guy with plasma tank comes
>my health hud says he is weak
>throw sword at him
>throw another sword
>stab him
>he ded
>get tank, tell the other guy to try eating charcoal to resist plasma
>follow the pinpointer
>dead lizard has disk, drag him to escape shuttle
>drag another corpse to escape shuttle
>swipe the 3 ids
>win highlander
>get a 3 month byond membership rather than an antag token
>win highlander

[Bluespace]

>'Would you like to be the geneticist's holoparasite?'
>Are you kidding me
>Yes
>Be the geneticist's holoparasite
>They have all the powers
>We murderbone the entire station
>No survivors
>We're alone on the shuttle
>Geneticist says there can't be ANY survivors
>Tell him I understand
>He suicides
WOOOOOOOO

I was that geneticist.
And oddly enough, I was your holoparasite when you were the mime traitor.

[ShadowDimentio]

We the murderboner meme team

[DrPillzRedux]

>latejoin as traitor
>buy grenade, syndi bomb, and pen
>shuttle is about to dock as I get to escape
>sneakily spawn bomb and use a nade to detonate it
>6 people gibbed, 7 others killed by blast, 2 more by space
>get revived on the shuttle and kill 3 people with my pen before I get arrested

[ShadowDimentio]

Witnessed status: Witnessed

[ShadowDimentio]

>Be an observer in a boring as shit malf round
>AI has no idea how to escalate things and everyone is dying for something to watch
>In walks HBL
>Calls bitches to the thunderdome
>Are you fucking kidding me
>YES
>Join in as one of a swarm of syndidrones each with a 10TC uplink VS a four man ERT with pulse cannons
>Everyone buys eswords, wisely
>Doors open
>Defeat foes in battle with my brothers
>Only lost one guy
>Next up is a detective (me) and guard VS some automaton assistants
>Wipe the floor with the assistants
>Attack the guard for an actual challenge
>SUDDENLY A CLOWN
>Clown has a baton and slips
>Kills the officer after I got tazed
>I prepare myself for slips
>Don't get slipped
>Defeat the clown
>Gloat victoriously
>Round three is syndiborg VS syndiborg, with me as one of them again
>We battle gloriously
>Nail the borg with two grenades and finish it with my LMG
>CAN NOBODY STOP THIS MAN?
>Final round
>Four man ERT with no special equipment VS two syndimedborgs
>I'm the RD with just a telescopic baton and a laser pointer
>With me is an ERT engi and two officials with laser guns
>Engi RCDs some walls up before the doors open
>Fuck yo walls we fighting bro
>Try laserpointering the borgs
>Can't hit them
>Fuck it
>Go at them with my baton
>Get a few hits between dodging their attacks
>Pulse rifle shots are breaking the walls down
>The officers are dead
>The walls broke and left behind metal
>THAT'S IT
>Grab the sheets and quickly make tiles
>A DECENT WEAPON!
>Start flinging tiles
>Borgs are getting dunked
>They manage to get the engi
>Kill them myself
>Be the ultimate victor

>Be next round
>Ask HBL if I get something cool for being the most robust combatant in the arena
>Get a wish
>Wish to be an ascendant
>Meme that entire round

What a Story of AwesomeTM

[confused rock]

>Be next round
>Ask HBL if I get something cool for being the most robust combatant in the arena
>Get a wish
>Wish to be an ascendant
>Meme that entire round

What a Story of AwesomeTM

Were you the inspector ascendant? If so you didn't hear, but the captain who got dunked started to try to argue in deadchat about how it wasn't validhunting or retarded when he attacked you. then he said the claims that he validhunted/was an idiot were memes.

[ShadowDimentio]

Yeah I was, and wow, what an idiot.

Yeah sure buddy try and attack the guy who's not only IMMORTAL, but also your boss. Great plan.

[Deitus]

snip

i was the guard in there, i would have whooped your ass if not for a) you surprise attacking me and b) that clown slip and you know it

the next round i got killed and incinerated by a shitty chaplain early ("throwing an oxygen tank and running circles around me totally means he was trying to kill me!"), but i saw the captain's assassination attempt. it was hilarious that he thought he wasnt validhunting when he literally made an announcement asking for the official's head before you even arrived, my sides were gone when you made that first "hello" and everyone realized you were ascendant, which was only slightly more funny when the captain tried to kill you with a shotgun (an ASCENDED LING with a SHOTGUN?) and then spent the next 10 minutes in dead chat attempting damage control and trying (and failing) to write off his validhunting accusations as memes. i later was built into an ai when laser went on his murderboner, why didnt you stop him when he was making such a mess of your precious station?

also

>be earlier on meta
>roll mime, figure ill just do some shitty meme and die so i can work on homework
>nope CE
>how the fuck di--
>you are the traitor!
>oh that's how
>decide to meme quickly and head out
>hide in confessional and pray for banana shoes and clown bomb
>GRANTED
>start timer and wait until its almost done
>drag it into escape screaming arab memes
>clowns have spawned
>some crew come to look
>as always, some idiot punches them and immediately gets memed
>prompty lose sides but get caught in the crossfire, figure that's it and move to close byond
>oh wait doctor reviving me
>ok a few more minutes
>get out of cyro
>its time
>SHOES ACTIVATE
>walk a few steps
>nuffin
>realize i need bananium
>pray fervently
>"i left some in the clown pile, go find it"
>ok
>run back to escape, get near doors and see chaplain run past with muh meme ore
>NO WAIT
>apparently the clowns still hate me, a few chase
>get overtaken while attempting to catch up with the chap
>dead again
>begin moving to close byond again
>get revived again
>i must die with memes, though!
>figure what the hell, ill release singulo
>release singulo
>inform crew of release due to singuloth's lonliness via ce intercomm as it eats engineering around me
>spend the next five minutes having a shitton of near misses with singulo as the station is torn apart around me
>server shits itself, ooc shits itself about server shitting itself
>continue on
>advanced magboots saves my ass so, so many times, is the real mvp
>eventually make it to botany, decide im not dead by memes yet
>get a quick cyro, head to bridge
>grab axe
>its time
>murder a few people in hallways
>hos runs into bridge, doesnt see my murderboner
>follow him
>"hey hos!"
>rush him
>get one or two hits in, suddenly he shits out a fucking holoparasite
>how the fuck
>get lit on fire but keep going at it, figure this is a memey enough end for me
>hos is down, but holoparasite teleports me a short distance away when i try to finish the job
>accept my fate
>waitaminute
>ce hardsuit is fireproof
>run back in, get a few hits, get teleported
>repeat ~3 times
>run back a last time to find a pile of bones
>mission accomplished
>grab custom hos laser, get a few more people killed
>shuttle is almost here, apparently filled with clowns according to a centcomm report
>run through escape, which is filled with bodies of those who incurred the clown mob's wrath
>singuloth reportedly eating bridge
>no evidence left behind, perfect
>haphazardly welderbomb shuttle, get up and try to attack captain (my objective was the medal anyway i think)
>get dunked since unrobust af
>sit contented in brig as shuttlebangs and miscellaneous explosions go off around me
>'twas a good shift

and also from yesterday

>mime
>tr8
>ask gods for morph
>get morph
>disguise as lightbulb
>proceed to eat all of armory, most of sec's lockers, some of robotics, cargo, hop office, cap's office, ai upload, and a shitton of miscellaneous crap around the station
>would have eaten medical too but a bomb went off there or something
>not really trying to stay alive that hard, kind of want to see how much shit pops out when i die and get butchered
>somehow manage to stay alive when shuttle arrives
>fuck it
>run into shuttle, glomp some people
>what seems like the entire shuttle after my ass
>yakkity harder than i've ever saxxed for not only the entire wait period, but all of the ride to centcomm as well
>most have given up at this point and just bucked in sets, a few determined sec and the hos still going after me
>dock at command
>still alive
>run around in command foyer while everyone post-round griffs

still kinda wanted to see how much shit would pop out if i was gibbed though :/

[ShadowDimentio]

HBL asked I not murderbone and to ignore other antags unless they're deliberately fucking with me. Thomas had the sense not to, so I could only follow him around and take the piss out of his rampaging.

Also what were you expecting, you had better gear than me. Try as I might, tasers beat a telebaton 100% of the time.

[confused rock]

The best part is, from what I hear, the ascendant was changed to have 600 hp- if the captain got gud, he actually could have killed you using a shotgun.
It was hilarious when he flailed at you and ran away.

[ShadowDimentio]

Why.

Ascendants are supposed to be your treat after winning as Sling, immortality with instakill powers and can go anywhere. Are people seriously that assblasted about not being able to kill Ascendants that they got nerfed?

Yeesh

[Super Aggro Crag]

why does the sling that hid in maintenance farting all round get the treat and the thralls that actually do all the fucking work get gibbed cuz "kek kek kek i am god now"

[PKPenguin321]

Why.

Ascendants are supposed to be your treat after winning as Sling, immortality with instakill powers and can go anywhere. Are people seriously that assblasted about not being able to kill Ascendants that they got nerfed?

Yeesh

pretty sure they are still invincible, i think the one in that story was just var edited by admins or something to have less health

[confused rock]

Why.

Ascendants are supposed to be your treat after winning as Sling, immortality with instakill powers and can go anywhere. Are people seriously that assblasted about not being able to kill Ascendants that they got nerfed?

Yeesh

pretty sure they are still invincible, i think the one in that story was just var edited by admins or something to have less health

they, like statues, have 10,000 hp. so they ARE killable. good luck doing so however.

[oranges]

>Be me
>Round start, i'm wiz
>first time ever wiz, knees weak arms spaghetti
>salty at dante killing me last round
>Name myself dantes mom even though I look like jon tron
>press summon spells, guns and events multiple times
>teleport to station
>spend rest of round looking for dante to give him my pumpkin pie
>somehow survive and greentext
>that was the story of the time I was dante's mom.

[DemonFiren]

The Dantism rubbed off on ya.

[RedMcCloud]

>Be me, Erma Felna, Colonial Marines
>skeleton crew, only like 5 marines in total
>decide to simply bum rush the station, all is going well, we close in on the hive
>and then the queen walks out
>she screams, everyone is knocked down
>I get facehugged, everyone is either facehugged or shooting at the queen
>everyone not facehugged runs away and gets hunted down and killed, I get put into a nest and start to struggle
>me and two others break free around the same time, I whip out my pistol
>go into a running battle with a drone and a runner, shoot the shit out of the drone and scare off the runner
>I punch the drone repeatedly when it knocks my gun away from me
>The drone knocks me down before fucking off
>Get up, retrieve peestol, run like hell
>Survivors are at LZ, one's chest explodes and I realize IC that's going to happen to me soon
>Go into convulsions, get on shuttle and run to medbay
>The things is almost ripping through my chest at this point
>Idiot inexperience doctor has to tell another facehugged marine to do surgery on me, they oblige
>Wake up a little while later, alive and well
>Parade around the Sulaco with my chestburster in my hand, crew is now minimally staffed and about 10 new marines have joined
>Get back down onto the station, set up a FOB and defend from many alium attacks
>After failing to raid the hive we retreat, stupid fucks leave me behind IN THE PITCH BLACK DARKNESS
>Don't care that I'm getting assfucked in the darkness
>Facehugged again
>Get carressed by a Praetorian, scream at squad and rest of marines on radio, make plan
>Break free
>Take out knife
>No one kills Erma Felna of the Extraplanetary Defence Force BUT Erma Felna herself!
>Queen comes over and checks my pulse before destroying my knife with acid
>Fug
>Try again and again to escape, get foiled every time by the affable Praetorian watching me
>'your chest asplode'
>ded

Spoiler:

TROPHIES ->

10/10 would be obscure comic book character again

[bandit]

This isn't really "awesome" so much as "awesome degree of failure" but:

Nuke op team is competent. They team up to tele-bomb the station many times over right off the bat. They get a Mauler and kill everyone. They stick together while doing this and manage to fight in a group. They grab the disk which is just lying in maint because the captain fucked off to space and it respawned. They lose, horribly. Why?

Spoiler:

They forgot to move the fucking shuttle from base.

[DemonFiren]

Holy fuck how can this happen.

[Danowar]

>Write a smut book about Emily and Dante
>Dante decides to read the entire thing out loud, with commentary, over the radio
>The station gets so utterly distracted by the book that nobody notices its actually Nuke Ops
>Station gets blown before Dante can finish

>I'm still not allowed to touch the lore of the game

[Deitus]

>Write a smut book about Emily and Dante
>Dante decides to read the entire thing out loud, with commentary, over the radio
>The station gets so utterly distracted by the book that nobody notices its actually Nuke Ops
>Station gets blown before Dante can finish

>I'm still not allowed to touch the lore of the game

>space station 13 has lore

since fucki'n when

[Danowar]

there is a #lorebus channel where I guess this stuff is discussed. My books are apparently non-canon.

[ShadowDimentio]

There needs to be an autobiography channel where the best of the best stories are made into little books

My greentext adventures should be ingrained in print for eternity

[1g88a]

>mime
>give clown sexy clown outfit
>clown later asks to erp
>nod and play along
>once we're both stripped steal all of their stuff and run away
>come back wearing their shit and the clown is still all naked and sad in the dorm cabin
>play sad trombone on their pda before tossing their stuff on the floor
>clown slips on their own pda

[DemonFiren]

Did you have the decency to help that clown back up?

(Also, I now wanna think about clown-mime crossbreeds. What abominations...)

[newfren]

>mime
>give clown sexy clown outfit
>clown later asks to erp
>nod and play along
>once we're both stripped steal all of their stuff and run away
>come back wearing their shit and the clown is still all naked and sad in the dorm cabin
>play sad trombone on their pda before tossing their stuff on the floor
>clown slips on their own pda

This is the best story in this thread.

[Ricotez]

there is a #lorebus channel where I guess this stuff is discussed. My books are apparently non-canon.

>#lorebus
>canon


>ss13
>canon


honestly the only parts of the lore that could be considered "canon" are: we work on Space Station 13, we research Plasma, the station is owned by Nanotrasen, Syndicate == Bad

[Anonmare]

honestly the only parts of the lore that could be considered "canon" are: we work on Space Station 13, we research Plasma, the station is owned by Nanotrasen, Syndicate == Bad

>Implying Nanotrasen isn't the demons
The only thing canon is that the Syndicate are the good guys against the oppressive and corrupt Nanotrasen

[Cheimon]

As if syndicate agents are ever portrayed as good. They're nuking stations, mass murdering people, stealing all the neat things.

[Anonmare]

As if syndicate agents are ever portrayed as good. They're nuking stations, mass murdering people, stealing all the neat things.

I thought we were talking about Syndicates? Why are you describing Assistants?

[RedMcCloud]

>Colonial Marines again
>lowpop round, like 3 aliens in total, about 10 or so marines
>bravo squad leader steals the shuttle and gets branded a deserter
>we find 3 survivors armed to the teeth, dragging around a dead runner
>two kill themselves by walking in front of the shuttle's autocannons, disconnect before we try to clone them
>last one is literally named Seitama Wanpanchu, gardener
>Seitama forcefully intergrates him into the marines, gets a pulse rifle and walks around the sulaco being a shit
>me and two alpha squad specialists to go down
>queen is literally right there, one specialist rockets her multiple times, gets knocked down and almost kidnapped
>bitches and moans as me and the other save their ass for losing the rocket launcher
>get back to the sulaco
>'an unknown organism is accessing the shuttle computer'
>ohshitligger.jpg
>the marines, being tards, send down the shuttle multiple times empty, it ends up getting infested
>shuttle comes back filled with Hivelords and the Queen, we managed to seperate the Queen, a Hivelord, and a Drone in the firing range after sending back down the shuttle
>marines a shit, tons of ff with grenades because theyre fucking stupid, riple autoloader comes along, promptly dies, drone becomes a Praetorian, fug
>just me and one other guy left, Praetorian comes out and fucks us up, I get knocked down but whip out my pistol and shoot at it as i run away
>get to upper floor
>blast doors are down, ask them to be opened, they comply
>like 15 people still stuck on the upper floor, medbay gets cucked first as everyone else hides in the cafeteria
>no medical supplies so i'm still kinda hurt, get salty
>'uss sulaco has sent a distress signal', try to defend cafeteria from xeno hordes with the help of like two other marines, both get fucked up and I get cut to shreds, bleeding everywhere
>suddenly we get a message back
>its in russian
>6 space russians wearing bomber jackets and lmgs board from cargo
>things are going good for a while
>Seitama is just sitting in the hallway, bleeding everywhere and buckled to a chair
>get medic to heal him, medic takes three years because theyre fucking stupid and have no idea how to medic
>get two revolvers
>"YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD"
>blast queen a few times, saving a russian that's being kidnapped, get cut up even more, health is in the red now (almost crit)
>limp away
>more praetorians, aliens somehow get behind us and murder our only doctor, I almost die to the same alien that got him but a russian saves me
>aliens broke armories, no more guns and ammo, theres about 8 of us left at this point
>everyone retreats, I fall down multiple times but managed to limp back to cargo and engineering
>I go to engineering when everyone else goes to cargo, faint in hallway
>this is the end
>but its not
>stand back up with health at orange, one level below red
>there were six of us
>hear plasma rifle fire down the hall
>there were five of us
>Seitama sacrifices himself to attempt to hold off the horde with an empty pulse rifle (you fool)
>there were four of us
>QM gets knocked down and torn to pieces
>there were three of us, just me and two russians with empty guns
>run back to cargo bay, multiple aliums in pursuit
>run down a useless hallway with blast doors to space at the end, we're trapped
>the russians, being russians, decided to strap c4 to themselves and bum rush the aliens
>watching xenos turn and run from russian's with c4 on their chests is fucking hilarious, but doesn't help me
>and then there was one
>run to back of hallway, pull out the only weapon I have left on me
>my knife

what happens next:


don't try to knife fight a Praetorian and a Runner at the same time, kids

[capi duffman]

Not awesome, but satisfying to me.

>Chef, latejoin
>Usual gang stuff, I care little about their petty fights.
>I start the kitchen ASAP, the brotanist is kind of surprised to see me.
>Before long I got everything in place, shuttle is about to come.
>Of course, gangs have most of the station under their grasp, even though the AI is doing it's absolute best to take them down, and security hasn't given up.
>Doms are set up, I guess I gotta help, right?
>The brotanist is defending the dom in genetics, and dunks Bones Mcgee.
>I have some looted gear, so if I get a lucky hit in with a stunprod, or a baton, I can kill him.
>But he's my brotanist, you don't kill the brotanist if you're the chef.
>He doesn't want to kill me either, and asks me to go away.
>Whatever, I'm not implanted, and for all I know, he can instakill me with the uzi.
>when I come outside medbay to go to the shuttle and await the end, a wild Dante appears and shoots me dead, because valid.
_____

hours later.

>Chef, latejoin.
>I set up the kitchen fast, the current brotanist gives me less, but I work with what I have.
>A random janiborg puts me in fire, you don't have to be very keen to see a rogue borg.
>Oh well, he excuses himself for that, so I merely point being put to flames in radio, someone will save the station.
>No, they don't, apparently half of the station is burning, comms are down, and there are WAYY too many borgs getting their valids on.
>I care little, the cooking must continue.
>The shuttle is about to dock, so I grab the cart, and prepare to get it full of food, as usual.
>It's been a while since I last saw another human, only borgs, tons of them.
>They kind of ignore me, I am ok with that.
>One of them finally approaches me.
>He says he likes me, and is willing to postpone my extermination indefinitely.
>How nice of him, I thank him.
>As I'm saying that, another borg enters the kitchen and shoots me until I even husk, rude.
>The shuttle is absolutely full of borgs, and also more than half of the way to the shuttle was full of fire, no way I'd have survived to arrivals nor escape.
>A very little before the shuttle docks, I get cloned by the friendly borg.

You know, you get that fuzzy feeling in your stomach when an antag more than able to kill you simply spares you, either because you were nice to him, or they appreciate your work at kitchen.

And then Dante appears with a weapon.

[Qbopper]

>assistant
>pray for gimmick
>"be a super late trick or treater"
>get gear, hack the theater's vending machine and get a chicken suit
>walk around yelling "TRICK OR TREAT!!"
>no responses
>wizard shows up
>tries to kill me when I ask for candy
>find bike horn
>go to bar
>TRICK OR TREAT!!
>honk
>bartender and his pals try to explain that it's christmas
>"I don't understand"
>honk
>"TRICK OR TREAT!!"
>ask roboticist for candy
>ACTUALLY BRINGS ME SOME CHOCOLATE
>continue to shit around
>follow two people out of the bar
>they go to the dorms
>please
>they go into a dorm room
>they try to push me
>get locked out
>ask for a hand
>roboticist comes by and unwelds wall
>they were doing it
>admin spawns two stacks of horns
>me and roboticist walk back and forth
>ERPers leave

was a good round

[Shaps-cloud]

Let me just clarify that the sound of 20 bike horns going off at once is a very aggressive sounding honk

[ShadowDimentio]

[airhorn]

[Deitus]

i've got a few i've been meaning to type up

>latejoin hos on meta
>comms silent, blood and piles of wood eveyrwhere
>what the fuck
>SUDDENLY TREE ATTACKS
>scoot by unrobust ass up to sec
>apparently station is covered in them
>announce for people to come to the armory
>hand out laz0rs to the haggard few survivors that come by
>spend rest of shift saving people, destroying trees, and making bad puns
>"all this wood im getting is giving me a murderboner!"
>nobody left alive willing enough to laugh at my excellent humor
>shuttle arrives
>HOWRYSHIT FILLED WITH TREES
>...but they aren't moving
>cautiously board
>shuttle launches
>TREES ATTACK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
>no survivors
>more trees at centcomm

and that was how centcomm went green.

>latejoin qm on meta
>nobody around
>dick around, get crates out
>decide to make doorbell out of transmitters/infrared laser
>put it on the same tile as the ordering computer, then put the computer back
>feel proud of myself for my incredibly minor achievement
>tell gods about it, half jokingly ask for reward
>get nothing
>eh oh well
>putter around, nobody really ordering anything
>greyshirt runs up, activates triplaser
>"hey what do you--"
>collapses dead
>laugh it off, damn greyshirts
>around this time i get a cargo tech, asks what happened to grreyshirt
>joke about laser of doom
>dum de dum
>hydroponist walks up, asks for hydro crate
>"sure fill out a form please"
>steps up to computer, activates triplaser
>drops dead
>weird
>techie examines them with health analyzer, max burn damage on everything
>weirder
>announce odd deaths over common, daisy holmes is buttblasted and demands i revive her or she'll shit vines all over me
>bitchiaintscared
>sec comes to retrieve the bodies
>ask what happened
>tell them
>they step in front of the laser, nothing happens
>some other grreyshirt has come to watch, tries it
>dead, max burn damage
>ok something is up what the fuck
>HOP and captain are here now, asking if i emagged it or something
>nigga is that even possible?
>they drag the bodies off, tell a sec to get the laser
>she complies
>walks in front
>dead
>IT KEEPS HAPPENING
>laser gets confiscated and put in sec
>ask the gods what the fuck is going on
>allah responds after multiple pleas
>"hahaha i got you man all of those people were just me in different jobs and i killed myself"
>ALLAH YOU SLUT
>scream over comms about what happened, nobody habeebs me
>announce intentions to desecrate chapel
>random greyshirt agrees
>we pull up floor tiles, disassemble tables, the works
>xmas tree suddenly starts being thrown telekinetically at us
>greyshirt books it
>FUCK YOU ALLAH COME AT ME
>emote pissing and shitting all over the floors
>allah tells me im rude
>fuck off allah
>ride back to centcomm

you had me scared ausops >:L

>roll for anything but captain
>get captain anyway
>ajfdajf;lkjgk;fnhagioew[ioa;
>do regular shit, secure disk, blah blah
>not 5 minutes in ai gets ionospheric law
>starts disregarding orders, locking down some areas
>sigh
>don spacesuit and backdoor card it, something about protecting apes
>go back to bridge to wipe law
>hop walks in with a player-controlled ian
>"hey cap what's--"
>FREAK OF NATURE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
>laser ian
>hop flips, disables me
>taze him right before i go down
>i get up first
>get his disabler
>empty it in him
>crowd gathered in front of bridge watching out cage match
>try to weld him in locker
>he gets out before i finish
>chain batons me trying to drag me out
>manage to get free
>taser again
>cuff
>horrible idea
>buckle him to chair, go to kitchen and get knife
>go back, grab hop and bring him to ian's corpse
>"i'm gonna make you WATCH"
>butcher ian
>hop is hysterical
>laugh like the psycho i am
>ai tells me im fuckin nuts
>agree
>get another idea
>"hey this meat looks delicious"
>"YOU WOULDNT"
>eat ian's meat
>ai is gagging
>hop is fucking screaming
>"mm-mm!"
>swears revenge on me
>take him to brig and bucklecuff, scoot out
>emote smacking my lips in front of his cell
>"dee-licious!"
>shuttle is almost here, scoot off to engineering
>grab some metal and r-wall myself in the pod
>ai tells me there's a new ai in r&d and the hop uploaded a law saying im nonhuman, says he's out for blood
>taunt him over comms
>back to centcomm safe and sound

the only thing more delicious than the meat were the tears

[DemonFiren]

0/10 not forcefeeding the hop