Kainoa peanut: return of the 5 meter trash skinny man

[Timonk]

https://tgstation13.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=28822

Let's ask the important questions: is he a pedophile? Was that sob story made up? Is he mentally stable enough to play here? Was he ever mentally stable? Did he get mentally stable in the past 2 years? Is he gonna revert to extreme salt after getting owned?

[Timonk]

Also he changed his mind about being ready to come back in a whopping 1 hour and 8 minutes(!!)

[Farquaar]

I don't even really have much to say. I'm just here for the show.

[Vekter]

I'm hands off on it, but after hearing more about him, I'd be a lot more reticent to let him back in.

[Not-Dorsidarf]

hes only allowed back if he changes his user name to quinoa so i can stop being wrong about his name

[Tlaltecuhtli]

who?

[Timonk]

you

[Rohen_Tahir]

[TothBrush]

Thank you for asking these questions, you are the first person who has shown interest.

https://tgstation13.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=28822

Let's ask the important questions: is he a pedophile?

No.
When I was 15 years old I played 2 games of lifeweb out of curiosity. I played as a child because I was 15 years old.
In the first game nothing interesting happened, I starved to death and waited for the next round.
In the next round I joined as a miner child, a man walked into the mines with a pickaxe and killed me. He dragged my body into a room and raped the corpse. I got bored, then I left.
4 years later In the tg station discord someone mentioned lifeweb and I remmebered the experience. For some reason I thought it would be edgy humor to say I jacked off to it. I'm sorry, that was disgusting. I should never have subjected anyone to that discord message.

Now this is going to sound weird but since this is off-topic I do feel comfortable divering from the point for a moment to bring up some memories I have of this game.
When I first found ss13 I was at summer camp between 7th and 8th grade. I think I was 13 at the time, and I thuoght it was cool. I read the entire /tg/ wiki on my phone and thought it was the coolest thing ever. I literally read the wiki cover to cover. When i finally got home from summer camp I downloaded it and went to go play. I immediately dismissed most of the servers such as bay and goon since I didn't recognize any of it after reading the /tg/ wiki.

The only server I could find on the server browser that ran TG code was NoX.
I think that, and I think you'd agree, there is something very wrong with a 13 year old boy in a dysfunctional household playing on a roleplay server where the rules state that ERP and rape are acceptable. It simply made you valid. I can't remember how many times I was slip cuffed and then dragged to the dorms to be raped by some older more experienced player who thought they were fucking with me. I can't remember if they kept doing it after they doxxed my digg acount and found out how old I was.
Imagine this but instead of being glued to a wall in gmod, It was me being cuffed to a chair in a dorm room on deltastation while someone typed out their rape fantasies.
That shit really fucked me up and might have traumatized me, I lost many nights of sleep playing on NoX and really wish I could go back in time and not play on that server.

I never repeated what I saw on anyone else in this video game. I never went and did it again to another person. Strangely, when I play antag I don't even feel comfortable killing someone 1 on 1. It just feels bad I feel like I am singling them out and they just want to play, I prefer plasmaflooding so everyone gets a fair chance and I don't have to look at them while they struggle. I never sexualized what I saw in those games as an adult. I don't do that kind of thing. I'm sorry I thought it would be funny to say I did, I thought anyone who saw that message would just know I was trying to intentionally over exaggerate for comedic effect and that was really really really fucking stupid of me.

I rationalized it though. In my head they were just fucking with me and they were doing it to illicit a reaction because they were playing games and they enjoyed it. They just kept fucking with me, I was raging at them in chat and raging at admins too. I was completely paranoid, I was constantly in all caps insisting people were metagruding me. I saw a video a while ago of someone with schizophrenia having breakdowns in public insisting other people were stalking her. She kept raging and screaming at random people who just wanted to be left alone, insisting that she was being targeted and being stalked. I think I acted like that in response to the constant rape on NoX. That shit really fucked me up. Later when I played on yogs when I was 14 I kept doing this. People would fuck with me, in typical grytide fashion aka slipping cuffing stealing IDs and shoes and stuff, and I would always start panicking thinking they were doing to me the same things that was being done to me on Nox. I think this might be why I kept trying to laugh at rape jokes. I thought someone had to see things the way I saw them and validate that perspective. "LOL you got raped and murdered in a video game" isn't healthy though.

God it feels so digusting writing this out. I didn't want to have to defend myself, I know what I said was wrong. I know I know I know. I really wanted to just apologize as much as I possibly could and then wait it out and take whatever shit people would give me for it, but no matter how long I wait it doesn't get any better. Please if anyone reads this, I want you to know I do not think that my experiences justify what I say period. They don't. This is just an explanation. I just want to explain it.

Was that sob story made up?

No.
Here is a picture of me from 2019 the day I dropped out and moved home from the dorms at university. I am 6'1" and weighed 114 lbs in this picture. This is NSFW. https://tgstation13.download/dip/discordimageproxy.php/attachments/ ... nknown.png

At uni I never left my room unless I was forced to. Every 2-3 days I ordered a massive meal from uber eats consisting only of mcdonalds. Picking up these meals from the curb to put in my refrigerator was the only times I ever left my room unless there was an exam. I skipped every lecture, I did not attend labs, I turned in homework online and passed 6/8 of my classes by cramming from the textbook, usually in crazy frantic manic episodes where I would study for 16 hours straight back to back for a 1-3 days. I lived in a tiny tiny single dorm room knee high in garbage with the lights off like this for nearly 14 months straight. I was beating myself, I still have a scar on my hand from smashing my fists against my head.
Every day other than cramming was spent playing video games. I played league of legends 16 hours a day every day for a few months straight before getting permad, then when my wrist was so badly injured from playing league I would just grind rotmg with a hacked aimbot client with 1 hand until my wrist was ready to play again. At one point I played ksp, then later back to ss13, then later back to league. I was regularly skipping nights of sleep, sometimes two nights a week, having manic episodes where I would just grind nonstop at whatever game had my attention for hours. This was usually the source of the flaming and fucked up messages I wrote came from. Every single one of my league of legends permabans was recieved after 24-48 hours of sleep deprivation. Most of the times I've received ahelps in ss13 came after I skipped nights of sleep.

Is he mentally stable enough to play here?

The headmins politely asked me to not make another appeal for another year. They're probably right, this game and community isn't good for me at all. I'm not going to come back for a while.
I'm in a better place now in real life, I live with my dad who's concerned for my health and supports me gaining weight and seeing a psychologist. The psychologist isn't worried about me. I used to see him weekly, now I only see him monthly and since we rarely have anything to talk about I'll likely see him bimonthly soon.
I gained 13 lbs since my low point and weigh 126 lbs, which is a step in the right direction closer to my target of >18.5 bmi.

Was he ever mentally stable?

I don't know if I was ever mentally stable. Starting in kindergarten I had problems fighting with other kids. I didn't have any friends, and whenever someone made a joke at my expense I'd confront them and tell them to stop. They'd always say it's no big deal it's just a joke and make fun of me more, and then I'd get angry and start arguing with them. I ended up getting kicked out of my first school for arguing with other kids and then claiming I was being bullied, and then getting kicked out of my middle school for refusing to do homework and faking sickness over and over to stay home. I don't know if I was ever mentally stable, my parents just fought all the time. They would argue for hours in the kitchen while I tried to play video games and ignore them in the other room. Sometimes I don't know what's real and what's fake. My mom did things I don't think I have the words to describe. I dont know how to say it. She kept taking me to doctors and humiliating me in front of them, saying I was a bad kid and needed to be medicated and that I was making her life miserable. I was having night terrors and continued to wet the bed up through 12 years old. I refused to speak to psychologists up until after I cut contact with her, I thought that she was using them as a tool to try to control me. I think I just broke down writing this. I sometimes don't know who to blame or what to blame. We never stopped fighting, we never ever apologized. Nobody in my household was comfortable showing emotion or admitting to any weaknesses, no joking, no singing, no story telling. Mostly silence unless we were fighting. I had no relationship with my parents. We only fought, we picked fights over everything. I was obsessed with avoiding conflict and never opening myself up to attacks, I tried to never speak out or draw any attention to myself but it didn't work. She picked fights over things that were meaningless and bullied me for my clothes and hair despite me only wearing what she bought me and getting haircuts when she told me to get them. As I got older eventually she would start fights over me looking at her funny demanding I apologize. I blame alcohol and nicotine. I blame her dad for leaving her. I blame the fact that she was the victim of horrific bullying as a child. I blame my extended family who never stepped in and separated the two of us from one another. I blame the school system and medical system who repeatedly told me my family was loving and caring and good, because they were tricked by the act that we put on in public.

I don't know if the part of the sob story where I said I was being abused is made up or not. I don't know if she abused me or if I was a bad kid who was at fault for not doing what she said to do. My sister says she thinks my mom was verbally abusive towards my dad. My family outside of my household has only one time mentioned my household's dynamics. My uncle once said "Kainoa, your mom has too much control over your life". That was the only time anyone has ever put into perspective what is going on. I don't really care anymore, now things are better and I don't have to worry about that stuff.

Things stabilized in highschool. I drove myself to school and home and did not talk to my parents. I tolerated sitting through dinner with them, and then otherwise spent 100% of my time on my computer. I had friends, I got my work done and graduated with a 3.4 gpa and high sat scores. I wasn't self harming which was a plus. The school helped a lot and gave structure to my life that my parents were unable to provide. I think that the shock of exiting highschool and entering uni is what drove me over the edge. I was suddenly on my own, feeding myself and looking after myself after escaping a shitty household. Plus while I was in uni back at home my parents were beginning to start the divorce process, which fucked me up a lot. They live separate now.

Did he get mentally stable in the past 2 years?

I have a full time job, I don't talk to my mom anymore. My doctor put me on atypical anti-psychotics and diagnosed me with PTSD because I (used to) often yell and scream at the wall as if it were life and death at the top of my lkungs when I'm alone telling her to "fuck off" "dont touch my stuff" "shut the fuck up", he says they are flash backs. I remember thinking I was schizophrenic when I went to him at first, I'm glad I'm not. After my perscription ran out he didn't refill it. He says he's not worried about me and I've been stable other than the occasional crying over ss13 when I try to apologize for what happened here in the tg discord server. Sometimes I still have nightmares. I don't scream and yell at the empty space anymore. I mostly just play video games and go to work. I'm going to back to university in 4 months, I'm afraid I'll relapse and life will become hell again but I have a better perspective now and I have hope. I really hope things stay this way.

Is he gonna revert to extreme salt after getting owned?

Are you referencing my server permaban? The hop dragged me into an area that I did not have ID access to get out of, in response I clicked them one time with disarm intent and then climbed into disposals. In retaliation to being pushed one single time with disarm intent the HoP set me to arrest, tracked me down 3 separate times (the first two I tried to solve IC and ran away) and then cuffed and put me unconscious and instructed the medical staff to remove all my limbs. The admin gave me the silent treatment and during the ahelp process, then the admin literally lied to my face and claimed that the HoP wasn't removing my limbs, then the admin went back to giving me the silent treatment while I sat there at my computer watching the screen waiting for something to happen. I sat unconscious on the operating table for 40+ minutes before suiciding and ragequitting and then getting permabanned. I wasn't salty because I got owned, I was salty because I was right about being the victim of insane levels of over escalation and nothing I could do or say could communicate to the admin who was giving me the silent treatment. I kept begging for help, he kept ignoring me. Sorry I got so mad and raged in ahelp instead of letting it slide and making an admin complaint. I just keep going over it in my head over and over again. I clicked him one time with disarm intent. What did I do to deserve being removed from the round for 40 minutes? Would you validhunt a clown for slippnig you? We were alone together in the HoP office. I clicked them once then ran into disposals because they wouldn't open the door for me to let me out. There was no danger, no antags, no plasmafire or hull breach that could have harmed them. They took 0 damage and were inconvenienced for literally a single second. Then I ran away and avoided them by going to the chapel and playing with the chaplain. The admin himself said he was treating me poorly on purpose because he thought I was banbaiting. It enrages me and you'd be enraged too.

I don't know how to approach this topic. On one hand in my admin complaint I made after getting permabanned, he told me himself and admitted that he handled it poorly. He admitted himself to purposefully singling me out and treating me poorly because me because he just assumed I deserved it. Anyone who looks at this situation should see that what should've happened should've taken literally seconds. The admin should have banned the HoP for lying in ahelps. The admin should have just told the hop "STOP IT". Something should have happened, but I sat there AFK watching my horizontal character unconscious on the operating table for 40 minutes. I just sat there waiting.

On the other hand I legitimately am ashamed of what I wrote in the ahelp. How could I possibly not be ashamed? I was raging like a toddler. He didn't deserve to have to sit there and read that shit. I should know better than to do that, I should never have done that. I want to apologize for it but I'm always trapped between these two extremes. Either Nervere drops a fucked up loaded question like ""How could you look at this ahelp log of yourself and not be ashamed?"" and then immediately closes and locks the thread so I can't respond to it, or the opposite extreme happens and I just sit there apologizing profusely for what I said over and over again and then leave the thread out of shame and guilt. I hate this fucking stupid position I'm in where I simultaneously cannot acknowledge how fucked up that round was (because if I do then it looks like I'm deflecting and refusing to admit guilt) and at the same time need to apologize because what I did was wrong. It just feels like no matter what I say or do nothing works. I'm insanely ashamed of what I said. I feel guilty about it every single time I think about it. And then also I get enraged thinking about the fact that everyone thinks I'm some kind of fucked up greytiding greifing piece of shit who starts fights and valids myself only to ahelp it when it goes wrong.

I pushed the motherfucker ONE TIME! and then ran away because he locked me in a room I couldn't get out of. He hunted me down 3 times, put me under anesthesia buckelcuffed to the operating table, and said he was removing all my limbs, and then kept me there for 40 minutes before I finally suicided! Shouldn't it have been an open and shut case? Shouldn't he have been banned instantly for flat out lying to the admins and claiming he wasn't actually going to remove my limbs? What am I missing?

Also he changed his mind about being ready to come back in a whopping 1 hour and 8 minutes(!!)

I panicked after reading what Nervere said. I'm horrified. I was hoping I could make an unban appeal to the server without ever trying to get unbanned from the discord. I have zero defense for what I said, and never ever intend to go on the record claiming what I said was appropriate. I wish every single day I could go back in time to the day I wrote that discord message and not write it. After I got banned, the only reason I made an unban appeal was because when you receive discord bans you cannot see the reason and so I thought the only way for me to see the reason was to go to the forums. Then Nervere publicly pasted the one single message I wrote out and immediately closed and locked the thread. I can never delete it, nobody will ever take it down. It kills me inside watching it slowly turn into this tumor that infects more and more of my life. On beestation there was an admin who had it out for me who was passing around what I had said to the other admins trying to rile up support to get me banned behind my back. When i tried to go to the beestation discord server they banned me there, and then they banned me from the LRP and the MRP server too with the reason "mirroring tg station ban". No other server will ever take me if they so much as google my Ckey. In real life when someone says something like that to your face and you're ashamed your first instinct is to apologize and hide out of shame, and then you wait. You wait and if they stay mad at you then you apologize again and wait longer. You repeat this process until they say "ok, I'm ready for you to talk" but it doesn't work that way on the internet. The threads NEVER GO AWAY, no matter how many times I come back to apologize for what I said over and over it only gets WORSE not better. The story has become a sick twisted nightmare and gets more and more fucked up every time I try to apologize, First it was one stupid message, then later according to Nervere it was """openly speaking about your child rape fantasies on Lifeweb before.""". Then a few years later he said I was """talking at length about how'd you'd go on Lifeweb to "roleplay" as a child and get yourself raped to fulfill your fucked up fantasies.""". What the fuck? Talking "at length"? Fucking hell. Roleplaying as a child? I was 15 years old! of course I played as a child. fufill fucked up fantasies? I didn't choose to get raped and murdered, the guy MURDERED me I didn't ask him to do it. I want to explain myself but I feel disgusting even trying to type out a response. I feel disgusting for thinking that I can somehow make things better by "defending" myself. Fuck that I don't want to defend myself I want to admit guilt and apologize over and over and over again, but every time I do it just makes the problem worse because suddenly there more and more and more threads open. More people see what I wrote when I try to apologize. More people get mad. I'm really sorry.

I hope Nervere is not writing these things out to make more drama and make things worse on purpose. Sometimes I feel like he's trying to harm me and willing to bend the truth to do so because I put a target on my back. If I ever get doxxed or someone in real life digs up what I wrote then I'll probably just off myself at that point. There's zero defense for what I said and the threads will never go away.

I dont blame him for being mad and trying to hurt me, Nervere if you're reading this I'm not mad at you, I deserved to be banned from the discord for what I said, you have every right to be angry at me for what I wrote. I'm sorry dude. Please don't make it worse. I dont want drama, I only want to apologize over and over again. I only want to say sorry. I feel nothing except guilt and shame. Nobody deserved to read those things I had written, I'm sorry.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I tried to reach out to nervere to apologize but he won't respond to me anywhere private. He only wants to write harmful messages and then lock and resolve my threads before I can respond. I tried to reach out to Vekter after seeing him write this:

As far as the behavior exhibited on Discord, I have what's probably a very unpopular opinion that things you do online don't necessarily translate to how you behave or what you believe in the real world.

It was the first time anyone had seen what I had written and actually considered letting me talk about it. I thought that the only way to handle what I had said would be to just apologize over and over and over again.
Unfortunately Vektor wasn't interested in talking to me either, and told me if I had problems with Nervere to go talk to him myself.
I've also talked a bit to coconutwarrior in PMs about what had happened. He asked me to keep things public so I made the unban request. Then after my unban request got locked and resolved he asked me not to make another for a year and to take a break from this game. I wrote out a massive massive appeal and saved it to drafts, but I'm just going to leave it there and 12 months from now look at it again and see if it's worth posting or not. This morning I asked him to delete my forum account and purge every thread made about me or that I made. He hasn't responded yet. If he says yes that means this is probably going to be goodbye. I don't want to quit this game because I genuinely love it, it's a wonderful little video game, but I don't really see any other way out except just moving on. Sorry guys.

In conclusion I'm terrifed. Every day I cant sleep and can't live with myself. I am afraid of being doxxed, I am afraid of this conflict leaking into my personal life. I did not find this thread through the forums, I found this thread by googling myself. I keep repeating over and over in my head that the threads will never go down. I can't forgive myself. What I said upset Nervere in such a horrific way, the things he said have been burened into my mind and I will never forget it. I do not blame him for his reaction to what I said, I deserved it.

I dont know. I hope I got everything out there. I'm probably going to regret posting this, it's fucking disgusting and humiliating. I'm so ashamed. I wish I could handle this without resorting to sob stories and trying to get sympathy, I tried to apologize without opening up and getting pity but it didn't work. I tried to open up and explain what was going on in my life when I wrote that message but it just enraged Nervere further. I feel so bad for him, I can see how much it upsets him. I'm probably going to wake up tomorrow and regret writing this and delete the damn thing. I dont know.

If you have any more questions feel free to ask, I will answer them. I have nothing to lose.

[Jonathan Gupta]

Thank you for asking these questions, you are the first person who has shown interest.

https://tgstation13.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=28822

Let's ask the important questions: is he a pedophile?

No.

Spoiler:

When I was 15 years old I played 2 games of lifeweb out of curiosity. I played as a child because I was 15 years old.
In the first game nothing interesting happened, I starved to death and waited for the next round.
In the next round I joined as a miner child, a man walked into the mines with a pickaxe and killed me. He dragged my body into a room and raped the corpse. I got bored, then I left.
4 years later In the tg station discord someone mentioned lifeweb and I remmebered the experience. For some reason I thought it would be edgy humor to say I jacked off to it. I'm sorry, that was disgusting. I should never have subjected anyone to that discord message.

Now this is going to sound weird but since this is off-topic I do feel comfortable divering from the point for a moment to bring up some memories I have of this game.
When I first found ss13 I was at summer camp between 7th and 8th grade. I think I was 13 at the time, and I thuoght it was cool. I read the entire /tg/ wiki on my phone and thought it was the coolest thing ever. I literally read the wiki cover to cover. When i finally got home from summer camp I downloaded it and went to go play. I immediately dismissed most of the servers such as bay and goon since I didn't recognize any of it after reading the /tg/ wiki.

The only server I could find on the server browser that ran TG code was NoX.
I think that, and I think you'd agree, there is something very wrong with a 13 year old boy in a dysfunctional household playing on a roleplay server where the rules state that ERP and rape are acceptable. It simply made you valid. I can't remember how many times I was slip cuffed and then dragged to the dorms to be raped by some older more experienced player who thought they were fucking with me. I can't remember if they kept doing it after they doxxed my digg acount and found out how old I was.
Imagine this but instead of being glued to a wall in gmod, It was me being cuffed to a chair in a dorm room on deltastation while someone typed out their rape fantasies.
That shit really fucked me up and might have traumatized me, I lost many nights of sleep playing on NoX and really wish I could go back in time and not play on that server.

I never repeated what I saw on anyone else in this video game. I never went and did it again to another person. Strangely, when I play antag I don't even feel comfortable killing someone 1 on 1. It just feels bad I feel like I am singling them out and they just want to play, I prefer plasmaflooding so everyone gets a fair chance and I don't have to look at them while they struggle. I never sexualized what I saw in those games as an adult. I don't do that kind of thing. I'm sorry I thought it would be funny to say I did, I thought anyone who saw that message would just know I was trying to intentionally over exaggerate for comedic effect and that was really really really fucking stupid of me.

I rationalized it though. In my head they were just fucking with me and they were doing it to illicit a reaction because they were playing games and they enjoyed it. They just kept fucking with me, I was raging at them in chat and raging at admins too. I was completely paranoid, I was constantly in all caps insisting people were metagruding me. I saw a video a while ago of someone with schizophrenia having breakdowns in public insisting other people were stalking her. She kept raging and screaming at random people who just wanted to be left alone, insisting that she was being targeted and being stalked. I think I acted like that in response to the constant rape on NoX. That shit really fucked me up. Later when I played on yogs when I was 14 I kept doing this. People would fuck with me, in typical grytide fashion aka slipping cuffing stealing IDs and shoes and stuff, and I would always start panicking thinking they were doing to me the same things that was being done to me on Nox. I think this might be why I kept trying to laugh at rape jokes. I thought someone had to see things the way I saw them and validate that perspective. "LOL you got raped and murdered in a video game" isn't healthy though.

God it feels so digusting writing this out. I didn't want to have to defend myself, I know what I said was wrong. I know I know I know. I really wanted to just apologize as much as I possibly could and then wait it out and take whatever shit people would give me for it, but no matter how long I wait it doesn't get any better. Please if anyone reads this, I want you to know I do not think that my experiences justify what I say period. They don't. This is just an explanation. I just want to explain it.

Was that sob story made up?

No.
Here is a picture of me from 2019 the day I dropped out and moved home from the dorms at university. I am 6'1" and weighed 114 lbs in this picture. This is NSFW. https://tgstation13.download/dip/discordimageproxy.php/attachments/ ... nknown.png

At uni I never left my room unless I was forced to. Every 2-3 days I ordered a massive meal from uber eats consisting only of mcdonalds. Picking up these meals from the curb to put in my refrigerator was the only times I ever left my room unless there was an exam. I skipped every lecture, I did not attend labs, I turned in homework online and passed 6/8 of my classes by cramming from the textbook, usually in crazy frantic manic episodes where I would study for 16 hours straight back to back for a 1-3 days. I lived in a tiny tiny single dorm room knee high in garbage with the lights off like this for nearly 14 months straight. I was beating myself, I still have a scar on my hand from smashing my fists against my head.
Every day other than cramming was spent playing video games. I played league of legends 16 hours a day every day for a few months straight before getting permad, then when my wrist was so badly injured from playing league I would just grind rotmg with a hacked aimbot client with 1 hand until my wrist was ready to play again. At one point I played ksp, then later back to ss13, then later back to league. I was regularly skipping nights of sleep, sometimes two nights a week, having manic episodes where I would just grind nonstop at whatever game had my attention for hours. This was usually the source of the flaming and fucked up messages I wrote came from. Every single one of my league of legends permabans was recieved after 24-48 hours of sleep deprivation. Most of the times I've received ahelps in ss13 came after I skipped nights of sleep.

Is he mentally stable enough to play here?

The headmins politely asked me to not make another appeal for another year. They're probably right, this game and community isn't good for me at all. I'm not going to come back for a while.
I'm in a better place now in real life, I live with my dad who's concerned for my health and supports me gaining weight and seeing a psychologist. The psychologist isn't worried about me. I used to see him weekly, now I only see him monthly and since we rarely have anything to talk about I'll likely see him bimonthly soon.
I gained 13 lbs since my low point and weigh 126 lbs, which is a step in the right direction closer to my target of >18.5 bmi.

Was he ever mentally stable?

I don't know if I was ever mentally stable. Starting in kindergarten I had problems fighting with other kids. I didn't have any friends, and whenever someone made a joke at my expense I'd confront them and tell them to stop. They'd always say it's no big deal it's just a joke and make fun of me more, and then I'd get angry and start arguing with them. I ended up getting kicked out of my first school for arguing with other kids and then claiming I was being bullied, and then getting kicked out of my middle school for refusing to do homework and faking sickness over and over to stay home. I don't know if I was ever mentally stable, my parents just fought all the time. They would argue for hours in the kitchen while I tried to play video games and ignore them in the other room. Sometimes I don't know what's real and what's fake. My mom did things I don't think I have the words to describe. I dont know how to say it. She kept taking me to doctors and humiliating me in front of them, saying I was a bad kid and needed to be medicated and that I was making her life miserable. I was having night terrors and continued to wet the bed up through 12 years old. I refused to speak to psychologists up until after I cut contact with her, I thought that she was using them as a tool to try to control me. I think I just broke down writing this. I sometimes don't know who to blame or what to blame. We never stopped fighting, we never ever apologized. Nobody in my household was comfortable showing emotion or admitting to any weaknesses, no joking, no singing, no story telling. Mostly silence unless we were fighting. I had no relationship with my parents. We only fought, we picked fights over everything. I was obsessed with avoiding conflict and never opening myself up to attacks, I tried to never speak out or draw any attention to myself but it didn't work. She picked fights over things that were meaningless and bullied me for my clothes and hair despite me only wearing what she bought me and getting haircuts when she told me to get them. As I got older eventually she would start fights over me looking at her funny demanding I apologize. I blame alcohol and nicotine. I blame her dad for leaving her. I blame the fact that she was the victim of horrific bullying as a child. I blame my extended family who never stepped in and separated the two of us from one another. I blame the school system and medical system who repeatedly told me my family was loving and caring and good, because they were tricked by the act that we put on in public.

I don't know if the part of the sob story where I said I was being abused is made up or not. I don't know if she abused me or if I was a bad kid who was at fault for not doing what she said to do. My sister says she thinks my mom was verbally abusive towards my dad. My family outside of my household has only one time mentioned my household's dynamics. My uncle once said "Kainoa, your mom has too much control over your life". That was the only time anyone has ever put into perspective what is going on. I don't really care anymore, now things are better and I don't have to worry about that stuff.

Things stabilized in highschool. I drove myself to school and home and did not talk to my parents. I tolerated sitting through dinner with them, and then otherwise spent 100% of my time on my computer. I had friends, I got my work done and graduated with a 3.4 gpa and high sat scores. I wasn't self harming which was a plus. The school helped a lot and gave structure to my life that my parents were unable to provide. I think that the shock of exiting highschool and entering uni is what drove me over the edge. I was suddenly on my own, feeding myself and looking after myself after escaping a shitty household. Plus while I was in uni back at home my parents were beginning to start the divorce process, which fucked me up a lot. They live separate now.

Did he get mentally stable in the past 2 years?

I have a full time job, I don't talk to my mom anymore. My doctor put me on atypical anti-psychotics and diagnosed me with PTSD because I (used to) often yell and scream at the wall as if it were life and death at the top of my lkungs when I'm alone telling her to "fuck off" "dont touch my stuff" "shut the fuck up", he says they are flash backs. I remember thinking I was schizophrenic when I went to him at first, I'm glad I'm not. After my perscription ran out he didn't refill it. He says he's not worried about me and I've been stable other than the occasional crying over ss13 when I try to apologize for what happened here in the tg discord server. Sometimes I still have nightmares. I don't scream and yell at the empty space anymore. I mostly just play video games and go to work. I'm going to back to university in 4 months, I'm afraid I'll relapse and life will become hell again but I have a better perspective now and I have hope. I really hope things stay this way.

Is he gonna revert to extreme salt after getting owned?

Are you referencing my server permaban? The hop dragged me into an area that I did not have ID access to get out of, in response I clicked them one time with disarm intent and then climbed into disposals. In retaliation to being pushed one single time with disarm intent the HoP set me to arrest, tracked me down 3 separate times (the first two I tried to solve IC and ran away) and then cuffed and put me unconscious and instructed the medical staff to remove all my limbs. The admin gave me the silent treatment and during the ahelp process, then the admin literally lied to my face and claimed that the HoP wasn't removing my limbs, then the admin went back to giving me the silent treatment while I sat there at my computer watching the screen waiting for something to happen. I sat unconscious on the operating table for 40+ minutes before suiciding and ragequitting and then getting permabanned. I wasn't salty because I got owned, I was salty because I was right about being the victim of insane levels of over escalation and nothing I could do or say could communicate to the admin who was giving me the silent treatment. I kept begging for help, he kept ignoring me. Sorry I got so mad and raged in ahelp instead of letting it slide and making an admin complaint. I just keep going over it in my head over and over again. I clicked him one time with disarm intent. What did I do to deserve being removed from the round for 40 minutes? Would you validhunt a clown for slippnig you? We were alone together in the HoP office. I clicked them once then ran into disposals because they wouldn't open the door for me to let me out. There was no danger, no antags, no plasmafire or hull breach that could have harmed them. They took 0 damage and were inconvenienced for literally a single second. Then I ran away and avoided them by going to the chapel and playing with the chaplain. The admin himself said he was treating me poorly on purpose because he thought I was banbaiting. It enrages me and you'd be enraged too.

I don't know how to approach this topic. On one hand in my admin complaint I made after getting permabanned, he told me himself and admitted that he handled it poorly. He admitted himself to purposefully singling me out and treating me poorly because me because he just assumed I deserved it. Anyone who looks at this situation should see that what should've happened should've taken literally seconds. The admin should have banned the HoP for lying in ahelps. The admin should have just told the hop "STOP IT". Something should have happened, but I sat there AFK watching my horizontal character unconscious on the operating table for 40 minutes. I just sat there waiting.

On the other hand I legitimately am ashamed of what I wrote in the ahelp. How could I possibly not be ashamed? I was raging like a toddler. He didn't deserve to have to sit there and read that shit. I should know better than to do that, I should never have done that. I want to apologize for it but I'm always trapped between these two extremes. Either Nervere drops a fucked up loaded question like ""How could you look at this ahelp log of yourself and not be ashamed?"" and then immediately closes and locks the thread so I can't respond to it, or the opposite extreme happens and I just sit there apologizing profusely for what I said over and over again and then leave the thread out of shame and guilt. I hate this fucking stupid position I'm in where I simultaneously cannot acknowledge how fucked up that round was (because if I do then it looks like I'm deflecting and refusing to admit guilt) and at the same time need to apologize because what I did was wrong. It just feels like no matter what I say or do nothing works. I'm insanely ashamed of what I said. I feel guilty about it every single time I think about it. And then also I get enraged thinking about the fact that everyone thinks I'm some kind of fucked up greytiding greifing piece of shit who starts fights and valids myself only to ahelp it when it goes wrong.

I pushed the motherfucker ONE TIME! and then ran away because he locked me in a room I couldn't get out of. He hunted me down 3 times, put me under anesthesia buckelcuffed to the operating table, and said he was removing all my limbs, and then kept me there for 40 minutes before I finally suicided! Shouldn't it have been an open and shut case? Shouldn't he have been banned instantly for flat out lying to the admins and claiming he wasn't actually going to remove my limbs? What am I missing?

Also he changed his mind about being ready to come back in a whopping 1 hour and 8 minutes(!!)

I panicked after reading what Nervere said. I'm horrified. I was hoping I could make an unban appeal to the server without ever trying to get unbanned from the discord. I have zero defense for what I said, and never ever intend to go on the record claiming what I said was appropriate. I wish every single day I could go back in time to the day I wrote that discord message and not write it. After I got banned, the only reason I made an unban appeal was because when you receive discord bans you cannot see the reason and so I thought the only way for me to see the reason was to go to the forums. Then Nervere publicly pasted the one single message I wrote out and immediately closed and locked the thread. I can never delete it, nobody will ever take it down. It kills me inside watching it slowly turn into this tumor that infects more and more of my life. On beestation there was an admin who had it out for me who was passing around what I had said to the other admins trying to rile up support to get me banned behind my back. When i tried to go to the beestation discord server they banned me there, and then they banned me from the LRP and the MRP server too with the reason "mirroring tg station ban". No other server will ever take me if they so much as google my Ckey. In real life when someone says something like that to your face and you're ashamed your first instinct is to apologize and hide out of shame, and then you wait. You wait and if they stay mad at you then you apologize again and wait longer. You repeat this process until they say "ok, I'm ready for you to talk" but it doesn't work that way on the internet. The threads NEVER GO AWAY, no matter how many times I come back to apologize for what I said over and over it only gets WORSE not better. The story has become a sick twisted nightmare and gets more and more fucked up every time I try to apologize, First it was one stupid message, then later according to Nervere it was """openly speaking about your child rape fantasies on Lifeweb before.""". Then a few years later he said I was """talking at length about how'd you'd go on Lifeweb to "roleplay" as a child and get yourself raped to fulfill your fucked up fantasies.""". What the fuck? Talking "at length"? Fucking hell. Roleplaying as a child? I was 15 years old! of course I played as a child. fufill fucked up fantasies? I didn't choose to get raped and murdered, the guy MURDERED me I didn't ask him to do it. I want to explain myself but I feel disgusting even trying to type out a response. I feel disgusting for thinking that I can somehow make things better by "defending" myself. Fuck that I don't want to defend myself I want to admit guilt and apologize over and over and over again, but every time I do it just makes the problem worse because suddenly there more and more and more threads open. More people see what I wrote when I try to apologize. More people get mad. I'm really sorry.

I hope Nervere is not writing these things out to make more drama and make things worse on purpose. Sometimes I feel like he's trying to harm me and willing to bend the truth to do so because I put a target on my back. If I ever get doxxed or someone in real life digs up what I wrote then I'll probably just off myself at that point. There's zero defense for what I said and the threads will never go away.

I dont blame him for being mad and trying to hurt me, Nervere if you're reading this I'm not mad at you, I deserved to be banned from the discord for what I said, you have every right to be angry at me for what I wrote. I'm sorry dude. Please don't make it worse. I dont want drama, I only want to apologize over and over again. I only want to say sorry. I feel nothing except guilt and shame. Nobody deserved to read those things I had written, I'm sorry.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I tried to reach out to nervere to apologize but he won't respond to me anywhere private. He only wants to write harmful messages and then lock and resolve my threads before I can respond. I tried to reach out to Vekter after seeing him write this:

As far as the behavior exhibited on Discord, I have what's probably a very unpopular opinion that things you do online don't necessarily translate to how you behave or what you believe in the real world.

It was the first time anyone had seen what I had written and actually considered letting me talk about it. I thought that the only way to handle what I had said would be to just apologize over and over and over again.
Unfortunately Vektor wasn't interested in talking to me either, and told me if I had problems with Nervere to go talk to him myself.
I've also talked a bit to coconutwarrior in PMs about what had happened. He asked me to keep things public so I made the unban request. Then after my unban request got locked and resolved he asked me not to make another for a year and to take a break from this game. I wrote out a massive massive appeal and saved it to drafts, but I'm just going to leave it there and 12 months from now look at it again and see if it's worth posting or not. This morning I asked him to delete my forum account and purge every thread made about me or that I made. He hasn't responded yet. If he says yes that means this is probably going to be goodbye. I don't want to quit this game because I genuinely love it, it's a wonderful little video game, but I don't really see any other way out except just moving on. Sorry guys.

In conclusion, I'm terrified. Every day I can't sleep and can't live with myself. I am afraid of being doxxed, I am afraid of this conflict leaking into my personal life. I did not find this thread through the forums, I found this thread by googling myself. I keep repeating over and over in my head that the threads will never go down. I can't forgive myself. What I said upset Nervere in such a horrific way, the things he said have been burned into my mind and I will never forget it. I do not blame him for his reaction to what I said, I deserved it.

I don't know. I hope I got everything out there. I'm probably going to regret posting this, it's fucking disgusting and humiliating. I'm so ashamed. I wish I could handle this without resorting to sob stories and trying to get sympathy, I tried to apologize without opening up and getting pity but it didn't work. I tried to open up and explain what was going on in my life when I wrote that message but it just enraged Nervere further. I feel so bad for him, I can see how much it upsets him. I'm probably going to wake up tomorrow and regret writing this and delete the damn thing. I don't know.

If you have any more questions feel free to ask, I will answer them. I have nothing to lose.

TL;DR

[Rohen_Tahir]

Thank you for asking these questions, you are the first person who has shown interest.

https://tgstation13.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=28822

Let's ask the important questions: is he a pedophile?

No.

Spoiler:

When I was 15 years old I played 2 games of lifeweb out of curiosity. I played as a child because I was 15 years old.
In the first game nothing interesting happened, I starved to death and waited for the next round.
In the next round I joined as a miner child, a man walked into the mines with a pickaxe and killed me. He dragged my body into a room and raped the corpse. I got bored, then I left.
4 years later In the tg station discord someone mentioned lifeweb and I remmebered the experience. For some reason I thought it would be edgy humor to say I jacked off to it. I'm sorry, that was disgusting. I should never have subjected anyone to that discord message.

Now this is going to sound weird but since this is off-topic I do feel comfortable divering from the point for a moment to bring up some memories I have of this game.
When I first found ss13 I was at summer camp between 7th and 8th grade. I think I was 13 at the time, and I thuoght it was cool. I read the entire /tg/ wiki on my phone and thought it was the coolest thing ever. I literally read the wiki cover to cover. When i finally got home from summer camp I downloaded it and went to go play. I immediately dismissed most of the servers such as bay and goon since I didn't recognize any of it after reading the /tg/ wiki.

The only server I could find on the server browser that ran TG code was NoX.
I think that, and I think you'd agree, there is something very wrong with a 13 year old boy in a dysfunctional household playing on a roleplay server where the rules state that ERP and rape are acceptable. It simply made you valid. I can't remember how many times I was slip cuffed and then dragged to the dorms to be raped by some older more experienced player who thought they were fucking with me. I can't remember if they kept doing it after they doxxed my digg acount and found out how old I was.
Imagine this but instead of being glued to a wall in gmod, It was me being cuffed to a chair in a dorm room on deltastation while someone typed out their rape fantasies.
That shit really fucked me up and might have traumatized me, I lost many nights of sleep playing on NoX and really wish I could go back in time and not play on that server.

I never repeated what I saw on anyone else in this video game. I never went and did it again to another person. Strangely, when I play antag I don't even feel comfortable killing someone 1 on 1. It just feels bad I feel like I am singling them out and they just want to play, I prefer plasmaflooding so everyone gets a fair chance and I don't have to look at them while they struggle. I never sexualized what I saw in those games as an adult. I don't do that kind of thing. I'm sorry I thought it would be funny to say I did, I thought anyone who saw that message would just know I was trying to intentionally over exaggerate for comedic effect and that was really really really fucking stupid of me.

I rationalized it though. In my head they were just fucking with me and they were doing it to illicit a reaction because they were playing games and they enjoyed it. They just kept fucking with me, I was raging at them in chat and raging at admins too. I was completely paranoid, I was constantly in all caps insisting people were metagruding me. I saw a video a while ago of someone with schizophrenia having breakdowns in public insisting other people were stalking her. She kept raging and screaming at random people who just wanted to be left alone, insisting that she was being targeted and being stalked. I think I acted like that in response to the constant rape on NoX. That shit really fucked me up. Later when I played on yogs when I was 14 I kept doing this. People would fuck with me, in typical grytide fashion aka slipping cuffing stealing IDs and shoes and stuff, and I would always start panicking thinking they were doing to me the same things that was being done to me on Nox. I think this might be why I kept trying to laugh at rape jokes. I thought someone had to see things the way I saw them and validate that perspective. "LOL you got raped and murdered in a video game" isn't healthy though.

God it feels so digusting writing this out. I didn't want to have to defend myself, I know what I said was wrong. I know I know I know. I really wanted to just apologize as much as I possibly could and then wait it out and take whatever shit people would give me for it, but no matter how long I wait it doesn't get any better. Please if anyone reads this, I want you to know I do not think that my experiences justify what I say period. They don't. This is just an explanation. I just want to explain it.

Was that sob story made up?

No.
Here is a picture of me from 2019 the day I dropped out and moved home from the dorms at university. I am 6'1" and weighed 114 lbs in this picture. This is NSFW. https://tgstation13.download/dip/discordimageproxy.php/attachments/ ... nknown.png

At uni I never left my room unless I was forced to. Every 2-3 days I ordered a massive meal from uber eats consisting only of mcdonalds. Picking up these meals from the curb to put in my refrigerator was the only times I ever left my room unless there was an exam. I skipped every lecture, I did not attend labs, I turned in homework online and passed 6/8 of my classes by cramming from the textbook, usually in crazy frantic manic episodes where I would study for 16 hours straight back to back for a 1-3 days. I lived in a tiny tiny single dorm room knee high in garbage with the lights off like this for nearly 14 months straight. I was beating myself, I still have a scar on my hand from smashing my fists against my head.
Every day other than cramming was spent playing video games. I played league of legends 16 hours a day every day for a few months straight before getting permad, then when my wrist was so badly injured from playing league I would just grind rotmg with a hacked aimbot client with 1 hand until my wrist was ready to play again. At one point I played ksp, then later back to ss13, then later back to league. I was regularly skipping nights of sleep, sometimes two nights a week, having manic episodes where I would just grind nonstop at whatever game had my attention for hours. This was usually the source of the flaming and fucked up messages I wrote came from. Every single one of my league of legends permabans was recieved after 24-48 hours of sleep deprivation. Most of the times I've received ahelps in ss13 came after I skipped nights of sleep.

Is he mentally stable enough to play here?

The headmins politely asked me to not make another appeal for another year. They're probably right, this game and community isn't good for me at all. I'm not going to come back for a while.
I'm in a better place now in real life, I live with my dad who's concerned for my health and supports me gaining weight and seeing a psychologist. The psychologist isn't worried about me. I used to see him weekly, now I only see him monthly and since we rarely have anything to talk about I'll likely see him bimonthly soon.
I gained 13 lbs since my low point and weigh 126 lbs, which is a step in the right direction closer to my target of >18.5 bmi.

Was he ever mentally stable?

I don't know if I was ever mentally stable. Starting in kindergarten I had problems fighting with other kids. I didn't have any friends, and whenever someone made a joke at my expense I'd confront them and tell them to stop. They'd always say it's no big deal it's just a joke and make fun of me more, and then I'd get angry and start arguing with them. I ended up getting kicked out of my first school for arguing with other kids and then claiming I was being bullied, and then getting kicked out of my middle school for refusing to do homework and faking sickness over and over to stay home. I don't know if I was ever mentally stable, my parents just fought all the time. They would argue for hours in the kitchen while I tried to play video games and ignore them in the other room. Sometimes I don't know what's real and what's fake. My mom did things I don't think I have the words to describe. I dont know how to say it. She kept taking me to doctors and humiliating me in front of them, saying I was a bad kid and needed to be medicated and that I was making her life miserable. I was having night terrors and continued to wet the bed up through 12 years old. I refused to speak to psychologists up until after I cut contact with her, I thought that she was using them as a tool to try to control me. I think I just broke down writing this. I sometimes don't know who to blame or what to blame. We never stopped fighting, we never ever apologized. Nobody in my household was comfortable showing emotion or admitting to any weaknesses, no joking, no singing, no story telling. Mostly silence unless we were fighting. I had no relationship with my parents. We only fought, we picked fights over everything. I was obsessed with avoiding conflict and never opening myself up to attacks, I tried to never speak out or draw any attention to myself but it didn't work. She picked fights over things that were meaningless and bullied me for my clothes and hair despite me only wearing what she bought me and getting haircuts when she told me to get them. As I got older eventually she would start fights over me looking at her funny demanding I apologize. I blame alcohol and nicotine. I blame her dad for leaving her. I blame the fact that she was the victim of horrific bullying as a child. I blame my extended family who never stepped in and separated the two of us from one another. I blame the school system and medical system who repeatedly told me my family was loving and caring and good, because they were tricked by the act that we put on in public.

I don't know if the part of the sob story where I said I was being abused is made up or not. I don't know if she abused me or if I was a bad kid who was at fault for not doing what she said to do. My sister says she thinks my mom was verbally abusive towards my dad. My family outside of my household has only one time mentioned my household's dynamics. My uncle once said "Kainoa, your mom has too much control over your life". That was the only time anyone has ever put into perspective what is going on. I don't really care anymore, now things are better and I don't have to worry about that stuff.

Things stabilized in highschool. I drove myself to school and home and did not talk to my parents. I tolerated sitting through dinner with them, and then otherwise spent 100% of my time on my computer. I had friends, I got my work done and graduated with a 3.4 gpa and high sat scores. I wasn't self harming which was a plus. The school helped a lot and gave structure to my life that my parents were unable to provide. I think that the shock of exiting highschool and entering uni is what drove me over the edge. I was suddenly on my own, feeding myself and looking after myself after escaping a shitty household. Plus while I was in uni back at home my parents were beginning to start the divorce process, which fucked me up a lot. They live separate now.

Did he get mentally stable in the past 2 years?

I have a full time job, I don't talk to my mom anymore. My doctor put me on atypical anti-psychotics and diagnosed me with PTSD because I (used to) often yell and scream at the wall as if it were life and death at the top of my lkungs when I'm alone telling her to "fuck off" "dont touch my stuff" "shut the fuck up", he says they are flash backs. I remember thinking I was schizophrenic when I went to him at first, I'm glad I'm not. After my perscription ran out he didn't refill it. He says he's not worried about me and I've been stable other than the occasional crying over ss13 when I try to apologize for what happened here in the tg discord server. Sometimes I still have nightmares. I don't scream and yell at the empty space anymore. I mostly just play video games and go to work. I'm going to back to university in 4 months, I'm afraid I'll relapse and life will become hell again but I have a better perspective now and I have hope. I really hope things stay this way.

Is he gonna revert to extreme salt after getting owned?

Are you referencing my server permaban? The hop dragged me into an area that I did not have ID access to get out of, in response I clicked them one time with disarm intent and then climbed into disposals. In retaliation to being pushed one single time with disarm intent the HoP set me to arrest, tracked me down 3 separate times (the first two I tried to solve IC and ran away) and then cuffed and put me unconscious and instructed the medical staff to remove all my limbs. The admin gave me the silent treatment and during the ahelp process, then the admin literally lied to my face and claimed that the HoP wasn't removing my limbs, then the admin went back to giving me the silent treatment while I sat there at my computer watching the screen waiting for something to happen. I sat unconscious on the operating table for 40+ minutes before suiciding and ragequitting and then getting permabanned. I wasn't salty because I got owned, I was salty because I was right about being the victim of insane levels of over escalation and nothing I could do or say could communicate to the admin who was giving me the silent treatment. I kept begging for help, he kept ignoring me. Sorry I got so mad and raged in ahelp instead of letting it slide and making an admin complaint. I just keep going over it in my head over and over again. I clicked him one time with disarm intent. What did I do to deserve being removed from the round for 40 minutes? Would you validhunt a clown for slippnig you? We were alone together in the HoP office. I clicked them once then ran into disposals because they wouldn't open the door for me to let me out. There was no danger, no antags, no plasmafire or hull breach that could have harmed them. They took 0 damage and were inconvenienced for literally a single second. Then I ran away and avoided them by going to the chapel and playing with the chaplain. The admin himself said he was treating me poorly on purpose because he thought I was banbaiting. It enrages me and you'd be enraged too.

I don't know how to approach this topic. On one hand in my admin complaint I made after getting permabanned, he told me himself and admitted that he handled it poorly. He admitted himself to purposefully singling me out and treating me poorly because me because he just assumed I deserved it. Anyone who looks at this situation should see that what should've happened should've taken literally seconds. The admin should have banned the HoP for lying in ahelps. The admin should have just told the hop "STOP IT". Something should have happened, but I sat there AFK watching my horizontal character unconscious on the operating table for 40 minutes. I just sat there waiting.

On the other hand I legitimately am ashamed of what I wrote in the ahelp. How could I possibly not be ashamed? I was raging like a toddler. He didn't deserve to have to sit there and read that shit. I should know better than to do that, I should never have done that. I want to apologize for it but I'm always trapped between these two extremes. Either Nervere drops a fucked up loaded question like ""How could you look at this ahelp log of yourself and not be ashamed?"" and then immediately closes and locks the thread so I can't respond to it, or the opposite extreme happens and I just sit there apologizing profusely for what I said over and over again and then leave the thread out of shame and guilt. I hate this fucking stupid position I'm in where I simultaneously cannot acknowledge how fucked up that round was (because if I do then it looks like I'm deflecting and refusing to admit guilt) and at the same time need to apologize because what I did was wrong. It just feels like no matter what I say or do nothing works. I'm insanely ashamed of what I said. I feel guilty about it every single time I think about it. And then also I get enraged thinking about the fact that everyone thinks I'm some kind of fucked up greytiding greifing piece of shit who starts fights and valids myself only to ahelp it when it goes wrong.

I pushed the motherfucker ONE TIME! and then ran away because he locked me in a room I couldn't get out of. He hunted me down 3 times, put me under anesthesia buckelcuffed to the operating table, and said he was removing all my limbs, and then kept me there for 40 minutes before I finally suicided! Shouldn't it have been an open and shut case? Shouldn't he have been banned instantly for flat out lying to the admins and claiming he wasn't actually going to remove my limbs? What am I missing?

Also he changed his mind about being ready to come back in a whopping 1 hour and 8 minutes(!!)

I panicked after reading what Nervere said. I'm horrified. I was hoping I could make an unban appeal to the server without ever trying to get unbanned from the discord. I have zero defense for what I said, and never ever intend to go on the record claiming what I said was appropriate. I wish every single day I could go back in time to the day I wrote that discord message and not write it. After I got banned, the only reason I made an unban appeal was because when you receive discord bans you cannot see the reason and so I thought the only way for me to see the reason was to go to the forums. Then Nervere publicly pasted the one single message I wrote out and immediately closed and locked the thread. I can never delete it, nobody will ever take it down. It kills me inside watching it slowly turn into this tumor that infects more and more of my life. On beestation there was an admin who had it out for me who was passing around what I had said to the other admins trying to rile up support to get me banned behind my back. When i tried to go to the beestation discord server they banned me there, and then they banned me from the LRP and the MRP server too with the reason "mirroring tg station ban". No other server will ever take me if they so much as google my Ckey. In real life when someone says something like that to your face and you're ashamed your first instinct is to apologize and hide out of shame, and then you wait. You wait and if they stay mad at you then you apologize again and wait longer. You repeat this process until they say "ok, I'm ready for you to talk" but it doesn't work that way on the internet. The threads NEVER GO AWAY, no matter how many times I come back to apologize for what I said over and over it only gets WORSE not better. The story has become a sick twisted nightmare and gets more and more fucked up every time I try to apologize, First it was one stupid message, then later according to Nervere it was """openly speaking about your child rape fantasies on Lifeweb before.""". Then a few years later he said I was """talking at length about how'd you'd go on Lifeweb to "roleplay" as a child and get yourself raped to fulfill your fucked up fantasies.""". What the fuck? Talking "at length"? Fucking hell. Roleplaying as a child? I was 15 years old! of course I played as a child. fufill fucked up fantasies? I didn't choose to get raped and murdered, the guy MURDERED me I didn't ask him to do it. I want to explain myself but I feel disgusting even trying to type out a response. I feel disgusting for thinking that I can somehow make things better by "defending" myself. Fuck that I don't want to defend myself I want to admit guilt and apologize over and over and over again, but every time I do it just makes the problem worse because suddenly there more and more and more threads open. More people see what I wrote when I try to apologize. More people get mad. I'm really sorry.

I hope Nervere is not writing these things out to make more drama and make things worse on purpose. Sometimes I feel like he's trying to harm me and willing to bend the truth to do so because I put a target on my back. If I ever get doxxed or someone in real life digs up what I wrote then I'll probably just off myself at that point. There's zero defense for what I said and the threads will never go away.

I dont blame him for being mad and trying to hurt me, Nervere if you're reading this I'm not mad at you, I deserved to be banned from the discord for what I said, you have every right to be angry at me for what I wrote. I'm sorry dude. Please don't make it worse. I dont want drama, I only want to apologize over and over again. I only want to say sorry. I feel nothing except guilt and shame. Nobody deserved to read those things I had written, I'm sorry.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I tried to reach out to nervere to apologize but he won't respond to me anywhere private. He only wants to write harmful messages and then lock and resolve my threads before I can respond. I tried to reach out to Vekter after seeing him write this:

As far as the behavior exhibited on Discord, I have what's probably a very unpopular opinion that things you do online don't necessarily translate to how you behave or what you believe in the real world.

It was the first time anyone had seen what I had written and actually considered letting me talk about it. I thought that the only way to handle what I had said would be to just apologize over and over and over again.
Unfortunately Vektor wasn't interested in talking to me either, and told me if I had problems with Nervere to go talk to him myself.
I've also talked a bit to coconutwarrior in PMs about what had happened. He asked me to keep things public so I made the unban request. Then after my unban request got locked and resolved he asked me not to make another for a year and to take a break from this game. I wrote out a massive massive appeal and saved it to drafts, but I'm just going to leave it there and 12 months from now look at it again and see if it's worth posting or not. This morning I asked him to delete my forum account and purge every thread made about me or that I made. He hasn't responded yet. If he says yes that means this is probably going to be goodbye. I don't want to quit this game because I genuinely love it, it's a wonderful little video game, but I don't really see any other way out except just moving on. Sorry guys.

In conclusion, I'm terrified. Every day I can't sleep and can't live with myself. I am afraid of being doxxed, I am afraid of this conflict leaking into my personal life. I did not find this thread through the forums, I found this thread by googling myself. I keep repeating over and over in my head that the threads will never go down. I can't forgive myself. What I said upset Nervere in such a horrific way, the things he said have been burned into my mind and I will never forget it. I do not blame him for his reaction to what I said, I deserved it.

I don't know. I hope I got everything out there. I'm probably going to regret posting this, it's fucking disgusting and humiliating. I'm so ashamed. I wish I could handle this without resorting to sob stories and trying to get sympathy, I tried to apologize without opening up and getting pity but it didn't work. I tried to open up and explain what was going on in my life when I wrote that message but it just enraged Nervere further. I feel so bad for him, I can see how much it upsets him. I'm probably going to wake up tomorrow and regret writing this and delete the damn thing. I don't know.

If you have any more questions feel free to ask, I will answer them. I have nothing to lose.

TL;DR

[Jonathan Gupta]

Thank you for asking these questions, you are the first person who has shown interest.

https://tgstation13.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=28822

Let's ask the important questions: is he a pedophile?

No.

Spoiler:

When I was 15 years old I played 2 games of lifeweb out of curiosity. I played as a child because I was 15 years old.
In the first game nothing interesting happened, I starved to death and waited for the next round.
In the next round I joined as a minor child, a man walked into the mines with a pickaxe and killed me. He dragged my body into a room and raped the corpse. I got bored, then I left.
4 years later In the tg station discord, someone mentioned lifeweb and I remembered the experience. For some reason, I thought it would be edgy humor to say I jacked off to it. I'm sorry, that was disgusting. I should never have subjected anyone to that discord message.

Now, this is going to sound weird but since this is off-topic I do feel comfortable diverting from the point for a moment to bring up some memories I have of this game.
When I first found ss13 I was at summer camp between 7th and 8th grade. I think I was 13 at the time, and I thought it was cool. I read the entire /tg/ wiki on my phone and thought it was the coolest thing ever. I literally read the wiki cover to cover. When I finally got home from the summer camp I downloaded it and went to go play. I immediately dismissed most of the servers such as bay and goon since I didn't recognize any of them after reading the /tg/ wiki.

The only server I could find on the server browser that ran TG code was NoX.
I think that and I think you'd agree, there is something very wrong with a 13-year-old boy in a dysfunctional household playing on a roleplay server where the rules state that ERP and rape are acceptable. It simply made you valid. I can't remember how many times I was slip cuffed and then dragged to the dorms to be raped by some older more experienced player who thought they were fucking with me. I can't remember if they kept doing it after they doxxed my digg account and found out how old I was.
Imagine this but instead of being glued to a wall in gmod, It was me being cuffed to a chair in a dorm room on deltastation while someone typed out their rape fantasies.
That shit really fucked me up and might have traumatized me, I lost many nights of sleep playing on NoX and really wish I could go back in time and not play on that server.

I never repeated what I saw on anyone else in this video game. I never went and did it again to another person. Strangely, when I play antag I don't even feel comfortable killing someone 1 on 1. It just feels bad I feel like I am singling them out and they just want to play, I prefer plasmaflooding so everyone gets a fair chance and I don't have to look at them while they struggle. I never sexualized what I saw in those games as an adult. I don't do that kind of thing. I'm sorry I thought it would be funny to say I did, I thought anyone who saw that message would just know I was trying to intentionally exaggerate for comedic effect and that was really really really fucking stupid of me.

I rationalized it though. In my head, they were just fucking with me and they were doing it to elicit a reaction because they were playing games and they enjoyed it. They just kept fucking with me, I was raging at them in chat and raging at admins too. I was completely paranoid, I was constantly in all caps insisting people were metagruding me. I saw a video a while ago of someone with schizophrenia having breakdowns in public insisting other people were stalking her. She kept raging and screaming at random people who just wanted to be left alone, insisting that she was being targeted and being stalked. I think I acted like that in response to the constant rape on NoX. That shit really fucked me up. Later when I played on yogs when I was 14 I kept doing this. People would fuck with me, in typical greytide fashion aka slipping cuffing stealing IDs and shoes and stuff, and I would always start panicking thinking they were doing to me the same things that were being done to me on Nox. I think this might be why I kept trying to laugh at rape jokes. I thought someone had to see things the way I saw them and validate that perspective. "LOL you got raped and murdered in a video game" isn't healthy though.

God, it feels so disgusting writing this out. I didn't want to have to defend myself, I know what I said was wrong. I know I know I know. I really wanted to just apologize as much as I possibly could and then wait it out and take whatever shit people would give me for it, but no matter how long I wait it doesn't get any better. Please if anyone reads this, I want you to know I do not think that my experiences justify what I say period. They don't. This is just an explanation. I just want to explain it.

Was that sob story made up?

No.
Here is a picture of me from 2019 the day I dropped out and moved home from the dorms at university. I am 6'1" and weighed 114 lbs in this picture. This is NSFW. https://tgstation13.download/dip/discordimageproxy.php/attachments/ ... nknown.png

At uni, I never left my room unless I was forced to. Every 2-3 days I ordered a massive meal from uber eats consisting only of McDonald's. Picking up these meals from the curb to put in my refrigerator was the only time I ever left my room unless there was an exam. I skipped every lecture, I did not attend labs, I turned in homework online and passed 6/8 of my classes by cramming from the textbook, usually in crazy frantic manic episodes where I would study for 16 hours straight back to back for a 1-3 days. I lived in a tiny tiny single dorm room knee-high in the garbage with the lights off like this for nearly 14 months straight. I was beating myself, I still have a scar on my hand from smashing my fists against my head.
Every day other than cramming was spent playing video games. I played league of legends 16 hours a day every day for a few months straight before getting permad, then when my wrist was so badly injured from playing league I would just grind rotmg with a hacked aimbot client with 1 hand until my wrist was ready to play again. At one point I played ksp, then later back to ss13, then later back to league. I was regularly skipping nights of sleep, sometimes two nights a week, having manic episodes where I would just grind nonstop at whatever game had my attention for hours. This was usually the source of the flaming and fucked up messages I wrote came from. Every single one of my league of legends permabans was received after 24-48 hours of sleep deprivation. Most of the times I've received ahelps in ss13 came after I skipped nights of sleep.

Is he mentally stable enough to play here?

The headmins politely asked me to not make another appeal for another year. They're probably right, this game and community isn't good for me at all. I'm not going to come back for a while.
I'm in a better place now in real life, I live with my dad who's concerned for my health and supports me in gaining weight and seeing a psychologist. The psychologist isn't worried about me. I used to see him weekly, now I only see him monthly, and since we rarely have anything to talk about I'll likely see him bimonthly soon.
I gained 13 lbs since my low point and weigh 126 lbs, which is a step in the right direction closer to my target of >18.5 BMI.

Was he ever mentally stable?

I don't know if I was ever mentally stable. Starting in kindergarten I had problems fighting with other kids. I didn't have any friends, and whenever someone made a joke at my expense I'd confront them and tell them to stop. They'd always say it's no big deal it's just a joke and make fun of me more, and then I'd get angry and start arguing with them. I ended up getting kicked out of my first school for arguing with other kids and then claiming I was being bullied and then getting kicked out of my middle school for refusing to do homework and faking sickness over and over to stay home. I don't know if I was ever mentally stable, my parents just fought all the time. They would argue for hours in the kitchen while I tried to play video games and ignore them in the other room. Sometimes I don't know what's real and what's fake. My mom did things I don't think I have the words to describe. I don't know how to say it. She kept taking me to doctors and humiliating me in front of them, saying I was a bad kid and needed to be medicated and that I was making her life miserable. I was having night terrors and continued to wet the bed up through 12 years old. I refused to speak to psychologists up until after I cut contact with her, I thought that she was using them as a tool to try to control me. I think I just broke down writing this. I sometimes don't know who to blame or what to blame. We never stopped fighting, we never apologized. Nobody in my household was comfortable showing emotion or admitting to any weaknesses, no joking, no singing, no storytelling. Mostly silence unless we were fighting. I had no relationship with my parents. We only fought, we picked fights over everything. I was obsessed with avoiding conflict and never opening myself up to attacks, I tried to never speak out or draw any attention to myself but it didn't work. She picked fights over things that were meaningless and bullied me for my clothes and hair despite me only wearing what she bought me and getting haircuts when she told me to get them. As I got older eventually she would start fights over me looking at her funny demanding I apologize. I blame alcohol and nicotine. I blame her dad for leaving her. I blame the fact that she was the victim of horrific bullying as a child. I blame my extended family who never stepped in and separated the two of us from one another. I blame the school system and medical system who repeatedly told me my family was loving and caring and good because they were tricked by the act that we put on in public.

I don't know if the part of the sob story where I said I was being abused is made up or not. I don't know if she abused me or if I was a bad kid who was at fault for not doing what she said to do. My sister says she thinks my mom was verbally abusive towards my dad. My family outside of my household has only one time mentioned my household's dynamics. My uncle once said, "Kainoa, your mom has too much control over your life". That was the only time anyone has ever put into perspective what is going on. I don't really care anymore, now things are better and I don't have to worry about that stuff.

Things stabilized in high school. I drove myself to school and home and did not talk to my parents. I tolerated sitting through dinner with them, and then otherwise spent 100% of my time on my computer. I had friends, I got my work done, and graduated with a 3.4 GPA and high sat scores. I wasn't self-harming which was a plus. The school helped a lot and gave structure to my life that my parents were unable to provide. I think that the shock of exiting high school and entering uni is what drove me over the edge. I was suddenly on my own, feeding myself and looking after myself after escaping a shitty household. Plus while I was in uni back at home my parents were beginning to start the divorce process, which fucked me up a lot. They live separately now.

Did he get mentally stable in the past 2 years?

I have a full-time job, I don't talk to my mom anymore. My doctor put me on atypical anti-psychotics and diagnosed me with PTSD because I (used to) often yell and scream at the wall as if it were life and death at the top of my lungs when I'm alone telling her to "fuck off" "don't touch my stuff" "shut the fuck up", he says they are flashbacks. I remember thinking I was schizophrenic when I went to him at first, I'm glad I'm not. After my prescription ran out he didn't refill it. He says he's not worried about me and I've been stable other than the occasional crying over ss13 when I try to apologize for what happened here in the tg discord server. Sometimes I still have nightmares. I don't scream and yell at the space anymore. I mostly just play video games and go to work. I'm going back to university in 4 months, I'm afraid I'll relapse and life will become hell again but I have a better perspective now and I have hope. I really hope things stay this way.

Is he gonna revert to extreme salt after getting owned?

Are you referencing my server permaban? The hop dragged me into an area that I did not have ID access to get out of, in response I clicked them one time with disarm intent and then climbed into disposals. In retaliation to being pushed one single time with disarm intent, the HoP set me to arrest, tracked me down 3 separate times (the first two I tried to solve IC and ran away), and then cuffed and put me unconscious and instructed the medical staff to remove all my limbs. The admin gave me the silent treatment and during the ahelp process, then the admin literally lied to my face and claimed that the HoP wasn't removing my limbs, then the admin went back to giving me the silent treatment while I sat there at my computer watching the screen waiting for something to happen. I sat unconscious on the operating table for 40+ minutes before suiciding and ragequitting and then getting permabanned. I wasn't salty because I got owned, I was salty because I was right about being the victim of insane levels of over escalation, and nothing I could do or say could communicate to the admin who was giving me the silent treatment. I kept begging for help, he kept ignoring me. Sorry I got so mad and raged in ahelp instead of letting it slide and making an admin complaint. I just keep going over it in my head over and over again. I clicked him one time with disarm intent. What did I do to deserve being removed from the round for 40 minutes? Would you validhunt a clown for slipping you? We were alone together in the HoP office. I clicked them once then ran into disposals because they wouldn't open the door for me to let me out. There was no danger, no antags, no plasmafire or hull breach that could have harmed them. They took 0 damage and were inconvenienced for literally a single second. Then I ran away and avoided them by going to the chapel and playing with the chaplain. The admin himself said he was treating me poorly on purpose because he thought I was banbaiting. It enrages me and you'd be enraged too.

I don't know how to approach this topic. On one hand in my admin complaint I made after getting permabanned, he told me himself and admitted that he handled it poorly. He admitted himself to purposefully singling me out and treating me poorly because he just assumed I deserved it. Anyone who looks at this situation should see that what should've happened should've taken literally seconds. The admin should have banned the HoP for lying in ahelps. The admin should have just told the hop "STOP IT". Something should have happened, but I sat there AFK watching my horizontal character unconscious on the operating table for 40 minutes. I just sat there waiting.

On the other hand, I legitimately am ashamed of what I wrote in the ahelp. How could I possibly not be ashamed? I was raging like a toddler. He didn't deserve to have to sit there and read that shit. I should know better than to do that, I should never have done that. I want to apologize for it but I'm always trapped between these two extremes. Either Nervere drops a fucked up loaded question like "How could you look at this ahelp log of yourself and not be ashamed?" and then immediately closes and locks the thread so I can't respond to it, or the opposite extreme happens and I just sit there apologizing profusely for what I said over and over again and then leave the thread out of shame and guilt. I hate this fucking stupid position I'm in where I simultaneously cannot acknowledge how fucked up that round was (because if I do then it looks like I'm deflecting and refusing to admit guilt) and at the same time need to apologize because what I did was wrong. It just feels like no matter what I say or do nothing works. I'm insanely ashamed of what I said. I feel guilty about it every single time I think about it. And then also I get enraged thinking about the fact that everyone thinks I'm some kind of fucked up greytiding griefing piece of shit who starts fights and valids myself only to ahelp it when it goes wrong.

I pushed the motherfucker ONE TIME! and then ran away because he locked me in a room I couldn't get out of. He hunted me down 3 times, put me under anesthesia buckelcuffed to the operating table, and said he was removing all my limbs, and then kept me there for 40 minutes before I finally suicided! Shouldn't it have been an open and shut case? Shouldn't he have been banned instantly for flat out lying to the admins and claiming he wasn't actually going to remove my limbs? What am I missing?

Also he changed his mind about being ready to come back in a whopping 1 hour and 8 minutes(!!)

I panicked after reading what Nervere said. I'm horrified. I was hoping I could make an unban appeal to the server without ever trying to get unbanned from the discord. I have zero defense for what I said, and never intend to go on the record claiming what I said was appropriate. I wish every single day I could go back in time to the day I wrote that discord message and not write it. After I got banned, the only reason I made an unban appeal was because when you receive discord bans you cannot see the reason and so I thought the only way for me to see the reason was to go to the forums. Then Nervere publicly pasted the one single message I wrote out and immediately closed and locked the thread. I can never delete it, nobody will ever take it down. It kills me inside watching it slowly turn into this tumor that infects more and more of my life. On beestation there was an admin who had it out for me who was passing around what I had said to the other admins trying to rile up support to get me banned behind my back. When I tried to go to the bee station discord server they banned me there, and then they banned me from the LRP and the MRP server too with the reason "mirroring tg station ban". No other server will ever take me if they so much as google my Ckey. In real life when someone says something like that to your face and you're ashamed your first instinct is to apologize and hide out of shame, and then you wait. You wait and if they stay mad at you then you apologize again and wait longer. You repeat this process until they say "ok, I'm ready for you to talk" but it doesn't work that way on the internet. The threads NEVER GO AWAY, no matter how many times I come back to apologize for what I said over and over it only gets WORSE, not better. The story has become a sick twisted nightmare and gets more and more fucked up every time I try to apologize, First, it was one stupid message, then later according to Nervere it was " openly speaking about your child rape fantasies on Life web before.". Then a few years later he said I was " talking at length about how'd you'd go on Lifeweb to "roleplay" as a child and get yourself raped to fulfill your fucked up fantasies.". What the fuck? Talking "at length"? Fucking hell. Roleplaying as a child? I was 15 years old! of course, I played as a child. fulfill fucked up fantasies? I didn't choose to get raped and murdered, the guy MURDERED me I didn't ask him to do it. I want to explain myself but I feel disgusting even trying to type out a response. I feel disgusting for thinking that I can somehow make things better by "defending" myself. Fuck that I don't want to defend myself I want to admit guilt and apologize over and over and over again, but every time I do it just makes the problem worse because suddenly there more and more and more threads open. More people see what I wrote when I try to apologize. More people get mad. I'm really sorry.

I hope Nervere is not writing these things out to make more drama and make things worse on purpose. Sometimes I feel like he's trying to harm me and willing to bend the truth to do so because I put a target on my back. If I ever get doxxed or someone in real life digs up what I wrote then I'll probably just off myself at that point. There's zero defense for what I said and the threads will never go away.

I don't blame him for being mad and trying to hurt me, Nervere if you're reading this I'm not mad at you, I deserved to be banned from the discord for what I said, you have every right to be angry at me for what I wrote. I'm sorry dude. Please don't make it worse. I don't want drama, I only want to apologize over and over again. I only want to say sorry. I feel nothing except guilt and shame. Nobody deserved to read those things I had written, I'm sorry.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I tried to reach out to nervere to apologize but he won't respond to me anywhere private. He only wants to write harmful messages and then lock and resolve my threads before I can respond. I tried to reach out to Vekter after seeing him write this:

As far as the behavior exhibited on Discord, I have what's probably a very unpopular opinion that things you do online don't necessarily translate to how you behave or what you believe in the real world.

It was the first time anyone had seen what I had written and actually considered letting me talk about it. I thought that the only way to handle what I had said would be to just apologize over and over and over again.
Unfortunately, Vektor wasn't interested in talking to me either and told me if I had problems with Nervere to go talk to him myself.
I've also talked a bit to coconutwarrior in PMs about what had happened. He asked me to keep things public so I made the unban request. Then after my unban request got locked and resolved he asked me not to make another for a year and to take a break from this game. I wrote out a massive massive appeal and saved it to drafts, but I'm just going to leave it there and 12 months from now look at it again and see if it's worth posting or not. This morning I asked him to delete my forum account and purge every thread made about me or that I made. He hasn't responded yet. If he says yes that means this is probably going to be goodbye. I don't want to quit this game because I genuinely love it, it's a wonderful little video game, but I don't really see any other way out except just moving on. Sorry guys.

In conclusion, I'm terrified. Every day I can't sleep and can't live with myself. I am afraid of being doxxed, I am afraid of this conflict leaking into my personal life. I did not find this thread through the forums, I found this thread by googling myself. I keep repeating over and over in my head that the threads will never go down. I can't forgive myself. What I said upset Nervere in such a horrific way, the things he said have been burned into my mind and I will never forget it. I do not blame him for his reaction to what I said, I deserved it.

I don't know. I hope I got everything out there. I'm probably going to regret posting this, it's fucking disgusting and humiliating. I'm so ashamed. I wish I could handle this without resorting to sob stories and trying to get sympathy, I tried to apologize without opening up and getting pity but it didn't work. I tried to open up and explain what was going on in my life when I wrote that message but it just enraged Nervere further. I feel so bad for him, I can see how much it upsets him. I'm probably going to wake up tomorrow and regret writing this and delete the damn thing. I don't know.

If you have any more questions feel free to ask, I will answer them. I have nothing to lose.

Way too long, did read. Word of advice, don't be afraid to say the full story though sometimes I have the same problem. Things happen at the moment(I have been victim to this sin)

[TothBrush]

TL;DR

is he a pedophile?
No.

Was that sob story made up?
No.

Is he mentally stable enough to play here?
No.

Was he ever mentally stable?
No.

Did he get mentally stable in the past 2 years?
Yes.

Is he gonna revert to extreme salt after getting owned?
inconclusive.

[Jonathan Gupta]

TL;DR

Is he gonna revert to extreme salt after getting owned? Inconclusive.

Probably stay off of ss13, all of us are bumbling autists who love trolling(except for a select few).

[Tlaltecuhtli]

tldr

[TothBrush]

Way too long, did read. Word of advice, don't be afraid to say the full story though sometimes I have the same problem. Things happen at the moment(I have been victim to this sin)

I dunno man, every time I work up the courage to spit it out the thread is already locked. It happened like 5 times now.

[oranges]

aren't you the guy who speedrunned R&D and argued with a roboticist or something and I banned you?

also I wouldn't worry about nervere that much he's very salty and bitter now that he got turfed out of being an admin, he was kind of a cunt in the end (I would know)

[TothBrush]

aren't you the guy who speedrunned R&D and argued with a roboticist or something and I banned you?

The roboticist went into R&D and took all the materials out of it, then hoarded it in robotics where the scientists couldn't reach it. This was less than 3 minutes into the round. I was demanding he give back enough material for me to print machine parts so I could play xenobiology. He said "fuck off" and we got in a fight. It escalated to the point where he got the other roboticists to get into the fight with me. Together the 3 of them full stripped me, confiscated all my items, and then dumped me in disposals. In retaliation I burnt down the room. The roboticist then killed himself by standing in the fire and ahelped it getting me banned. I even ran into the fire and dragged his dead body out and had him cloned. You didn't care though and still banned me.

I stand by the belief that if you take items I need to do my job from a place I have access to, and then move them to a place I don't have access to and refuse to let me have them back, you are greifing. If the CMO decides to confiscate all the chem dispensers and hides in them in the bridge so the chemists can't play chemistry, they are greifing. If the CE decides to confiscate all the pipe dispensers and space them so that the atmos tech can't play atmos then they are greifing. If the QM confiscates all the miner's equipment and throws it into his office so the miners can't go mine, they are greifing. Same goes for a roboticists taking all the materials from R&D and then reefusing to give me enough metal to print machine parts for my job. They were greifing and I was explicitly told by an admin it was an IC issue. I got full stripped and dumped down disposals and couldn't play the game at all after that since they took my ID.

I tried to ahelp when he took all the mats from rnd, admins told me "IC issue". If the admins tell me it's an IC conflict I'll treat it as an IC conflict. If someone fullstrips me including my ID and puts me in disposals I SHOULD have the right to fight back like hell and destroy their shit too on LRP.

Also aren't you the guy who removed my favorite mechanic from the game because I got too good at it? I spent hours working on that and I was the best at it, and I was really proud of it too. Then literally just a few days later you removed it from the game claiming it was OP. Made me feel like shit and I've been bitter about that ever since. You removed it from the game and I demanded answers, you said the people on the other server, the one I dont play on, were abusing it. I had never seen anyone else ever use it other than me and whenever I played I was the only person who even knew how to do it most of the time.

https://i.imgur.com/VN7ExIB.png god holy fuck I remember that round. What a massive massive pain in the ass, I got banned for posting this thread because I got so excited and was so proud of myself that I posted it as soon as I accomplished it and then realized afterwards that the round was still going on. Then I didn't even get to play as xenoling, since another xenobiologist didn't know what xenoling was and dragged my body to medbay getting me de-egged and deleted from the round due to the fact that once conciousness is transfered to the headslug and the eggs are laid you literally get deleted from the round if your body is de-egged. What a pain in the ass holy shit.

Also aren't you the guy who threatened to ban me if I locked someone in a room for 10 seconds and monologued to him from outside the door?

[Jonathan Gupta]

Way too long, did read. Word of advice, don't be afraid to say the full story though sometimes I have the same problem. Things happen at the moment(I have been victim to this sin)

I dunno man, every time I work up the courage to spit it out the thread is already locked. It happened like 5 times now.

Don't take so long it's a make or break thing. I make my decisions immediately and don't think before I speak(That's how you get permad or just straight out retarded).

[Rohen_Tahir]

Way too long, did read. Word of advice, don't be afraid to say the full story though sometimes I have the same problem. Things happen at the moment(I have been victim to this sin)

I dunno man, every time I work up the courage to spit it out the thread is already locked. It happened like 5 times now.

Don't take so long it's a make or break thing. I make my decisions immediately and don't think before I speak(That's how you get permad or just straight out retarded).

I bet all my antag tokens that your next ban will be for R11.

[Jonathan Gupta]

Way too long, did read. Word of advice, don't be afraid to say the full story though sometimes I have the same problem. Things happen at the moment(I have been victim to this sin)

I dunno man, every time I work up the courage to spit it out the thread is already locked. It happened like 5 times now.

Don't take so long it's a make or break thing. I make my decisions immediately and don't think before I speak(That's how you get permad or just straight out retarded).

I bet all my antag tokens that your next ban will be for R11.

I'm permad.

[Rohen_Tahir]

Way too long, did read. Word of advice, don't be afraid to say the full story though sometimes I have the same problem. Things happen at the moment(I have been victim to this sin)

I dunno man, every time I work up the courage to spit it out the thread is already locked. It happened like 5 times now.

Don't take so long it's a make or break thing. I make my decisions immediately and don't think before I speak(That's how you get permad or just straight out retarded).

I bet all my antag tokens that your next ban will be for R11.

I'm permad.

Again?

[Jonathan Gupta]

Way too long, did read. Word of advice, don't be afraid to say the full story though sometimes I have the same problem. Things happen at the moment(I have been victim to this sin)

I dunno man, every time I work up the courage to spit it out the thread is already locked. It happened like 5 times now.

Don't take so long it's a make or break thing. I make my decisions immediately and don't think before I speak(That's how you get permad or just straight out retarded).

I bet all my antag tokens that your next ban will be for R11.

I'm permad.

Again?

yep. Sadly was not dusty(Want Note and full ban)?

Screenshot 2021-04-28 9.51.15 AM.png (4.92 KiB) Viewed 5768 times

[Rohen_Tahir]

Way too long, did read. Word of advice, don't be afraid to say the full story though sometimes I have the same problem. Things happen at the moment(I have been victim to this sin)

I dunno man, every time I work up the courage to spit it out the thread is already locked. It happened like 5 times now.

Don't take so long it's a make or break thing. I make my decisions immediately and don't think before I speak(That's how you get permad or just straight out retarded).

I bet all my antag tokens that your next ban will be for R11.

I'm permad.

Again?

yep. Sadly was not dusty(Want Note and full ban)?

Screenshot 2021-04-28 9.51.15 AM.png

Please post the ban details, I need to know.

[Jonathan Gupta]

Way too long, did read. Word of advice, don't be afraid to say the full story though sometimes I have the same problem. Things happen at the moment(I have been victim to this sin)

I dunno man, every time I work up the courage to spit it out the thread is already locked. It happened like 5 times now.

Don't take so long it's a make or break thing. I make my decisions immediately and don't think before I speak(That's how you get permad or just straight out retarded).

I bet all my antag tokens that your next ban will be for R11.

I'm permad.

Again?

yep. Sadly was not dusty(Want Note and full ban)?

Screenshot 2021-04-28 9.51.15 AM.png

Please post the ban details, I need to know.

https://atlantaned.space/banbus/ticket/408f4424cc233571 I'm quite embarrassed about this one...
https://atlantaned.space/banbus/ticket/09b76c169b1f5405

[Rohen_Tahir]

Way too long, did read. Word of advice, don't be afraid to say the full story though sometimes I have the same problem. Things happen at the moment(I have been victim to this sin)

I dunno man, every time I work up the courage to spit it out the thread is already locked. It happened like 5 times now.

Don't take so long it's a make or break thing. I make my decisions immediately and don't think before I speak(That's how you get permad or just straight out retarded).

I bet all my antag tokens that your next ban will be for R11.

I'm permad.

Again?

yep. Sadly was not dusty(Want Note and full ban)?

Screenshot 2021-04-28 9.51.15 AM.png

Please post the ban details, I need to know.

https://atlantaned.space/banbus/ticket/408f4424cc233571 I'm quite embarrassed about this one...
https://atlantaned.space/banbus/ticket/09b76c169b1f5405

Clearly, you love abductor

[Jonathan Gupta]

Way too long, did read. Word of advice, don't be afraid to say the full story though sometimes I have the same problem. Things happen at the moment(I have been victim to this sin)

I dunno man, every time I work up the courage to spit it out the thread is already locked. It happened like 5 times now.

Don't take so long it's a make or break thing. I make my decisions immediately and don't think before I speak(That's how you get permad or just straight out retarded).

I bet all my antag tokens that your next ban will be for R11.

I'm permad.

Again?

yep. Sadly was not dusty(Want Note and full ban)?

Screenshot 2021-04-28 9.51.15 AM.png

Please post the ban details, I need to know.

https://atlantaned.space/banbus/ticket/408f4424cc233571 I'm quite embarrassed about this one...
https://atlantaned.space/banbus/ticket/09b76c169b1f5405

Clearly, you love abductor

yes, yes I do.

[Thunder11]

Why the fuck is this thread back from the grave

[Rohen_Tahir]

Why the fuck is this thread back from the grave

TothBrush replied with a massive post.

[oranges]

Also aren't you the guy who removed my favorite mechanic from the game because I got too good at it? I spent hours working on that and I was the best at it, and I was really proud of it too. Then literally just a few days later you removed it from the game claiming it was OP. Made me feel like shit and I've been bitter about that ever since. You removed it from the game and I demanded answers, you said the people on the other server, the one I dont play on, were abusing it. I had never seen anyone else ever use it other than me and whenever I played I was the only person who even knew how to do it most of the time.

its' good to be king

[TothBrush]

Also aren't you the guy who removed my favorite mechanic from the game because I got too good at it? I spent hours working on that and I was the best at it, and I was really proud of it too. Then literally just a few days later you removed it from the game claiming it was OP. Made me feel like shit and I've been bitter about that ever since. You removed it from the game and I demanded answers, you said the people on the other server, the one I dont play on, were abusing it. I had never seen anyone else ever use it other than me and whenever I played I was the only person who even knew how to do it most of the time.

its' good to be king

sometimes I wonder if you make other people dislike you on purpose.

[Malkraz]

Also aren't you the guy who removed my favorite mechanic from the game because I got too good at it? I spent hours working on that and I was the best at it, and I was really proud of it too. Then literally just a few days later you removed it from the game claiming it was OP. Made me feel like shit and I've been bitter about that ever since. You removed it from the game and I demanded answers, you said the people on the other server, the one I dont play on, were abusing it. I had never seen anyone else ever use it other than me and whenever I played I was the only person who even knew how to do it most of the time.

its' good to be king

my panties are soaked after hearing of this

[wesoda25]

I remember kainoa, they would always get in these ooc arguments with this one person whose name I forget. Although i think they might be banned too

[oranges]

Also aren't you the guy who removed my favorite mechanic from the game because I got too good at it? I spent hours working on that and I was the best at it, and I was really proud of it too. Then literally just a few days later you removed it from the game claiming it was OP. Made me feel like shit and I've been bitter about that ever since. You removed it from the game and I demanded answers, you said the people on the other server, the one I dont play on, were abusing it. I had never seen anyone else ever use it other than me and whenever I played I was the only person who even knew how to do it most of the time.

its' good to be king

sometimes I wonder if you make other people dislike you on purpose.

it's just incidental

Also aren't you the guy who removed my favorite mechanic from the game because I got too good at it? I spent hours working on that and I was the best at it, and I was really proud of it too. Then literally just a few days later you removed it from the game claiming it was OP. Made me feel like shit and I've been bitter about that ever since. You removed it from the game and I demanded answers, you said the people on the other server, the one I dont play on, were abusing it. I had never seen anyone else ever use it other than me and whenever I played I was the only person who even knew how to do it most of the time.

its' good to be king

my panties are soaked after hearing of this

delete this cursed post